If a coiled spring is left under tension for many years, a type of fusion occurs between the coils as a result of the climatic conditions to which it is exposed.

If something happens – a seismic shift – which finally enables the unsprung spring to uncoil itself, then at the very moment of release, there is almost a hesitation before the full extent of the pressure which it has been under for so long – perhaps years – is finally released.

I don’t know the circumstances which brought footballer Andy Woodward to the moment when he decided to tell the media of the abuse he had suffered as a child at the hands of his football coach, all I do know, is that he is finally an unsprung spring and I salute his courage and those men who have come out of anonymity to support him.

His tears are the lubricant which I hope will enable him to speak out his torment of abuse as a child, and his suppression of it, within himself, for so many years.

I have not suffered any thing like the horrific abuse suffered by the physical and sexual violence which so many in our society have suffered, but my torment, my unsprung spring, was caused as a result of suppressing the truth about my own sexuality for so many years in conditions where I felt I was unable to be the person who I am.

A familial and religious rigidity in my own environment to a view of what was right and what was wrong, made it hard for me to acknowledge openly and in safety, the truth and depth of feelings I carried for my own sex.

Add to that a toxic mix of bullying at school and later, in the workplace and the life of an unsprung spring becomes intolerable not only to ourselves, but to those around us, those whom we love who suffer too.

My father, a quiet gentle man once exclaimed in exasperation that I was very highly strung – true, I was always on the defensive, like a kettle ready to boil, aggressive and moody.

Perhaps you feel like that, or you are close to someone who acts in ways which you do not understand.

In my case, a series of unhappy events at work, and then in the family, and a sense that relationships with my children were breaking down as a result of my controlling and aggressive parenting, lead me to take the first step in my liberation from fear.

The steps that followed my liberation through talking; and reading; and writing; and running; and crying; and laughing have helped to make sure that my spring is free, my spring is sprung, my spring has bounce once again.

My next blog will be: People Watching

William Defoe

One evening last week, I found myself sitting alone in my car having dropped off my adult daughter at the local garage to pick up her car, which had been in for repairs.

As I waited for her to let me know that I was released from my duties, I observed across the road from me, a man get out of his car and walk into a Chinese takeaway.

He was greeted by a man behind the counter and he ordered his supper (I assume).

He then picked up a newspaper and stood at the counter whilst waiting for his order to be prepared for him to take home (I assume).

After a few minutes, the man behind the counter brought our his order in a bag with little handles on it, and handed it to him – I presume there was some exchange of cash – and then the man left the takeaway, closing the door behind him and got back into his car and drove off.

Shall I end my blog there? – was the above of any interest to you whatsoever?

I have felt curiously drawn to the events that evening, because I am desperate to understand whether as an observer of the event:-

• was I part of it?
• was it relevant to me?
• did I benefit from it or contribute to it in any way
• was it an irrelevance?

At a fiscal level, I suppose I contribute to the taxes which pay for the maintenance of the roads on which the customer drove to reach the take away.

On a social level, if I had been in the queue behind the customer I would have been directly affected by having to wait my turn to be served or vice versa.

On a community level, I benefit from the economic well being and prosperity of the diverse community in which I live.

On a gastronomical level, I like Chinese food too!

But, I repeat, does all of the above have anything to say to me by being an observer to those events?.

I have arrived at the conclusion that I am involved as an observer, because on this occasion, I took notice, I involved myself in the observation of an everyday transaction between people in my community and I experienced a connection.

I have come to realise and appreciate, that, whilst I value my growing sense of self, it is nurtured in quiet reflection and deepening my self-knowledge, it is also nurtured in community whether active or passive.

So, in conclusion, my passive involvement as an observer of a transaction in which I was not involved, connected me to the society in which I live.

“You can go now Dad, my car is fixed” – “Thanks for the lift”

My next blog will be: Unsprung Spring

William Defoe

A few weeks ago I went away to the east coast of the UK for a long weekend.

On the day of our departure, having started off the day with my normal routine of a run, I noticed that as the day progressed, I felt steadily worse and worse and worse.

The feeling I experienced, reminded me of one of the key moments in one of my all time favourite action movies, Die-Hard 4*, when Bruce Willis and Justin Long discover that the villain, Timothy Olyphant has directed all the gas from the North Eastern states of the US to their location at a West Virginia power station.

There is this moment when they sense a deep foreboding and then react as they realise the force which is at that very moment travelling at an unstoppable pace to attempt to eliminate them.

In my case, the deep foreboding and unsettled state, took its course by first of all making me feel very tired and unsettled and anxious. During the night I woke up with a horrible sore throat and over the next few days the full force of the virus showed itself in a streaming nose and eyes, a headache, lethargy.

The common cold comes and goes, its one of life’s little treats, but I do think it has the effect of clearing out the build up of stress and anxiety because the common cold causes you to rest.

While I was away on my short break, I was at least able to rest and sleep and nurture the parts of me that needed space in a hectic period of my life.

The feeling I am most interested in, is the intensity of the feelings I had, before the cold took hold, those few hours before I realised I was coming down with a common cold.

I sensed into the awakening of my mind, to the situation in my body, that something was stirring, something was coming, something was going to require me to respond to its demand for my attention by resting, enduring, and recovering.

I think this feeling translates to the call of the mind to address our troubles, our challenges and our own self belief and our relationships, because the tension builds up and the hard part is determining what it is, that is calling from within.

In those times, I see a correlation with my response to the common cold, rest, be still, listen, moan a bit (perhaps inwardly) and emerge stronger, clearer and safer to face the path you decide to take.

My next blog will be: Being an Observer

William Defoe

*Die Hard 4 Film Synopsis

As the nation prepares to celebrate Independence Day, veteran cop John McClane (Bruce Willis) carries out another routine assignment: bringing in a computer hacker (Justin Long) for questioning. Meanwhile, a tech-savvy villain named Thomas Gabriel (Timothy Olyphant) launches an attack on America’s computer infrastructure. As chaos descends around him, McClane must use old-fashioned methods to fight the high-tech threat.

Recently, as I drove past a dry cleaners store I read this sign, much to my amusement:-

“DROP YOUR PANTS HERE”

Of course, in the context of the shop window in which this sign was displayed, the invitation makes sense, but out of this context a whole new meaning illuminated my mind!

Words and their context are open to interpretation, and also mis-interpretation, and I have so many times in the past taken offence at a mis spoken word to keep alive an argument or infer I have been hurt just to prolong an issue unresolved.

I have made strong attempts on my journey of self discovery, to interpret what is said to me, or about me, with as full a clarity and honesty as I am able to in the moment, and where this understanding is not possible, I have pondered over it to strengthen my understanding before seeking clarification.

This new approach to listening and deciphering, means that I am in a much better place to respond constructively and openly to criticism or praise, and I am much less likely to mis-understand a sentence and risk dropping my pants (literally) the next time I visit the dry cleaners!

My next blog will be: Die-Hard 4

William Defoe

During my journey to know and love self, which I have been undertaking these last four years, I have made a conscious choice not to think of my journey as a religious journey.

I have felt a strong need to keep the spiritual dimension to my life fairly separate from the coaching experience, and the reason for this is because I need to experience a faith in self, rather than expressing my journey as a faith in God.

I already have a faith in God, a strong faith but I find myself increasingly asking the question – Where is God?

This question  – “Where is God?” is a surprise to me, because until recently, I would have felt a deep sense of guilt, if not shame, for posing the question to myself, but I am firmly of the view that it is a mature question for me to consider?

Sometimes I shock myself by saying – there is no God.

This creates new space for me to explore my beliefs which is liberating and energising for my body and mind.

It is shocking, in a sense for me, because it goes against my deeply held inherent faith and the profound beliefs which I hold  at the core of my being, at the heart of my life; at the root of all things.

I have come to realise, that I find it much easier to believe in Christ and that He is the second person on the one and indivisible Holy Trinity – but where is God?

I recently heard, through an acquaintance, that her friend follows all the rituals of his Jewish faith but does not believe in God – am I essentially the same as him? – a man faithful to the traditions and rituals and devotions of my Catholic faith and yet unable to believe in God?

Am I simply attracted to the community and the friendships which come with belonging to a faith community?

St Mother Theresa of Calcutta said before her death that she had experienced years of not being able to sense the presence of God and yet she kept her faith and attended to the needs of the poor with her fellow sisters.

I have a strong vocation to help others and yet I still have this feeling that I am in search of God.

Am I looking for proof of God’s existence? – when good things happen I am conditioned to thank God, and when bad things happen to turn towards God for comfort – I relate strongly to these patterns of behaviour  – I have had moments of extreme comfort in His presence and yet the feeling is fleeting – transient – insufficient to put the doubts to rest.

I feel that I am actually nearer to finding God by questioning His existence.

In asking the questions and challenging my beliefs, I am doing the serious work of searching for God

I hope my search does not end before I die – I hope that my faith in Christ will see me through the challenges of having a belief/doubt in the existence of God, because ultimately I have come to realise that it is my faith, not evidential proof which will lead me to Him.

My next blog will be: Dry Cleaners

William Defoe

My daughter was laughing recently, as she recalled how a former boyfriend had called her, just before a planned date to tell her that he could no longer make it to the date because his fathers girlfriends cat had died.

Excuses!

I have been thinking about the times in which I have avoided a real or imagined outcome by making excuses to myself and others.

Excuses!

I have lived for long periods of my life thinking that if I communicate how I truly feel, I will lose something which is precious to me, perhaps my marriage or a relationship with my children or friends.

Excuses!

In recent years, through my development of self, I have created within me a space which allows me to bring more of my truth, and in some cases all of my truth to the key people in my life.

Excuses!

In 2012, after 25 years of marriage, I told my wife, whom I love, that I was in fact gay.

My inner narrative was that I could no longer live in a world of excuses and that she deserved to be told the truth, and that she would leave me.

Excuses!

The reality was that I had in fact created a space for dialogue, and because of my faithfulness to her throughout my years of struggle and isolation we moved together to a place of deeper understanding and compassion.

Excuses!

And perhaps, now, four years later the outcome would have been different, perhaps I might be separated or divorced, estranged from my children, perhaps lost some friends and gained some new ones – the mystery of all the what if’s we ask ourselves each day!

Excuses!

But I have come to appreciate that in order to move forward in my life, I had to end the excuses, and deal with the consequences in order for my soul to thrive.

No Excuses!

My next blog will be: Creating Space

William Defoe

As a child I noticed that friends and neighbours were defined as those whom were Catholic, like me,  and those whom were not.

I had a lot of Non-Catholic friends with whom I played on the street where I lived.

Ecumenism was in its infancy, and what it seemed to emphasize was the difference between us and the historic divisions which date back to the Reformation and Henry VIII.

Last week I attended a Mass (Catholic) in Ripon Cathedral (Anglican).

The welcome extended to our Bishop and Catholic faithful was warm and generous, and it felt to me like a privilege to be able to practice my faith in this historic and beautiful building which belongs to another Christian denomination.

It seems to me that there has been an Ecumenical Revolution in our country which seems to emphasize our shared heritage and faith in Jesus Christ.

On a world stage, world faiths of the monotheistic traditions work together and promote a common belief in one God and also to peoples of all faiths and none.

It seems to me that the gesture extended to my faith, to use the facilities of a sister faith, is more than a sharing of space, rather, it is a sharing of heart.

We must try to share what we have, respect our differences and celebrate our humanity which is the very essence of our faith or our non-faith view of the world which we share.

My next blog will be: I

William Defoe

If I was to assess the change, which I have undergone in recent years, I would say that I am a much quieter, less reactive individual.

I am comfortable being silent, even when I am in the company of others, and the nagging need to fill the silence with the sound of my own voice has been largely overcome.

If I eat a meal alone, which I often do, I will relax with my phone, looking at YouTube clips of comedians and politicians and religious leaders and the Royal Family and sporting moments which connect me to my interests.

However, if I am in the company of others whilst eating a meal, I consider it to be disrespectful to be engaged in phone gazing during the meal time.

In saying this, and having experienced at first hand, as a father of teenage children who have now reached adulthood, I can sympathise with parents who struggle to extricate their teenagers from their phones at meal time.

Whilst on holiday, one evening in Portugal, my wife and I went for a lovely meal to a Chinese restaurant.

On the table next to us, was a family, a mother and father with three children, all boys.

The parents and the older boy were all engrossed in their own mobile phones throughout their meal, whilst the younger boys aged approximately nine and seven, amused themselves.

I felt saddened by the scene.

I feel I am being judgmental in saying this, but in response to this observation, I say only that I have been there myself, in years gone by, for at least periods of time over a meal time.

I think in recent years the temptation to use our phones now they are an integral part of how we run our lives, has made their attraction and our addiction to them, even worse.

It seemed to me, that the parents were missing an opportunity to deepen their knowledge and love for each other and also for their children, but perhaps, for all I know, they had been fully engaged in occupying their sons on the beach throughout the day and now this was family chill time.

For me, meal time was a time to look into my wife’s eyes, hold her hands across the table, and connect with her at a deeper level, which gives our marriage, in the difficult reality of our situation, a better chance of  seeing us through to the end of our lives.

My next blog will be: Ecumenical Revolution

William Defoe