Earlier this week after a long weekend break I experienced an old familiar episode of “feeling low”

When I feel like this, it has a physical as well as a mental dimension to it, and I feel completely overwhelmed by what seems to be a multitude of negativity flowing into my head whilst at the same time feeling light headed and anxious.

I have learned three important concepts for coping with this feeling through the Integral Coaching that I am undertaking and developing through:-

1/ When your are in it – notice it – give each thought a name i.e past, present or future issue

2/ When you are in it – tell yourself – IT WILL PASS!

3/ When you are in it – expand your experience to bring the issues which cause suffering some wider perspective.

So I noticed that my experience of feeling low on Tuesday morning was about future worries about whether I had the strength to continue in my pressured role at work and whether I would be able to continue until retirement which is some years ahead.

I noticed that this anxiety about the future is a recurring fear which has its roots in a past experience some years ago when I suffered a catastrophic loss of confidence in a previous role.

I noticed that the reality in the present is that I am doing really well, I am well respected, competent, hard-working and actually enjoying my job.

As I knew it would, the feeling passed and I am back in the present dealing with the pressures of each day as well as the rewards so that fears of the future have some perspective but are not in control of me.

By listening to myself and the feedback from others I was better placed to cope with my feelings earlier this week and I am better prepared for coping the next time that I am feeling low.

Try it!

My next blog will be: My Mothers Wonderful Dream

William Defoe

A friend of mine made me laugh when he related this little exchange that he had had with his wife recently.

His wife had taken a comment that he had made about “her mother having overreacting to the risk of snow” as a slur on her mother so she had retaliated by saying: “Well if I told Your Mother that I had been to the Moon, she would say that she had been to Mars”

I laughed at the exchange because it reminded me of a pact that I had made with my wife many years ago in respect of never bringing into our arguments disparaging remarks about our respective parents.

There was a time when in the midst of a disagreement and perhaps at the point where the argument was being lost, the easiest thing to do would be to reach out for the old “well Your Mother……” followed by a return of “Don’t lecture me about My Mother…. Your Mother.…….”

Over the years I have become extremely fond on my mother-in-law and my wife’s relationship with my mother is close even though I am sure that there have been occasions when the pact has been hard to keep!.

On the occasions when we are respectively irritated by them, we keep to our pact because we both know that if I said her mother should move to the Moon, my wife would say well you’re mother should move to Mars! (pointless!)

Go on – make a pact today to leave the family out of your arguments!

My next blog will be: Feeling Low

William Defoe

Whilst at Mass yesterday, I noticed this prayer, which is said at the start of every Mass in what is known as the Penitential Act.

“I confess to almighty God and to you, by brothers and sisters, that I have greatly sinned, in my thoughts and in my words, in what I have done and in what I have failed to do, (and, striking our breast, we say;) through my fault, through my fault, through my most grievous fault; therefore I ask blessed Mary, ever-Virgin, all the angels and saints, and you, my brothers and sisters, to pray for me to the Lord our God.”

I noticed once again that it is the men within the community who seem to beat their chests the hardest as they say “through my fault, through my fault, through my most grievous fault” and I always feel deeply moved by their humility.

Yesterday it was a man in his forties, who moved me deeply by his act of contrition.

The purpose of the prayer near the start of Mass is to acknowledge our sinfulness and our need of forgiveness.

Even taking this sentiment out of a religious context and simply acknowledging and reflecting, on the times we have hurt others by our actions, or our failure to act, might provide us with a resolve to reach out and put things right which is no bad thing.

I have recently felt hurt by the actions of a very much loved Aunt. I decided last week after many months of anguish to reach out beyond my pain to her needs. I called in to see her with a big bouquet of flowers and just gave her my present moment so that our differences melted into the background.

“therefore I ask blessed Mary, ever-Virgin, all the angels and saints, and you, my brothers and sisters, to pray for me to the Lord our God.”

My next blog will be: “Your Mother”

William Defoe

Although we are in our early fifties, my wife and I still hold hands on a very regular basis.We met each other when my wife was sixteen years old and I was seventeen years old,

We were in church this morning in a parish near where we had spent a lovely weekend break and as I looked at her hand within mine, I noticed that, although her hand is the same to me as it always has been, and oh so familiar, I noticed in that calm space that her hand has aged.

I felt a very sudden rush of wanting to protect her, to keep her safe, nothing must ever happen to her? What would I do?

I asked her in the car on our way home – “Why do you love me?” 

She said back to me “I love you because you look after me”

I said, “In what ways do I look after you?”

Slightly exasperated with me, she said “you carry my heavy bag to and from the beach on holiday and you sort out the finances and you are kind”

I squeeze her hand in mine –“Yes, true!”

What lovely hands she has  – have you noticed your loved ones hands recently? – look, kiss and squeeze them! and do it often!

My next blog will be: Through My Fault

William Defoe

After a period of several months I have re-started with a determined effort my family networking.

I had previously asked my brothers and sisters to make some space for me in their lives, at the same time I told them about the suffering I had endured for most of my adult life, as a result of my isolation and fear.

I had assumed that because I had not been able to find acceptance for the dilemma I had experienced, I would be rejected by them all and the wonderful truth is that I have not been.

The feeling at first was quite euphoric, but then over time, I started to play this silly game in which the networking only counted, if they contacted me first. I was foolish.

They took my lack of contact to mean that I was doing well and the family network was no longer a priority for me.

I began to feel marginalised and isolated again within my own understanding of my place within my family and I felt hurt and angry until matters came to a head when in explaining my feelings to my brother, I got angry with him for his neglect of me and he got angry back with me  for my foolishness.

So, if like me, you feel isolated within your family, don’t play games, keep the network alive by picking up the phone and becoming an active participant rather than the passive victim!

My next blog will be: Holding Hands

William Defoe

In the years of isolation which I suffered as a result of suppressing my sexuality, I have often displayed signs of stress and agitation, particularly towards my family, but also itching, waking early etc.

When I finally found the courage to reveal my torment to my wife and I experienced her acceptance and her love, I began my own journey of self-acceptance through a process I now know as Integral Coaching.

This particular approach to understanding my pain has not been in terms of finding a recovery; rather, my journey has been to see life as all-encompassing.

I have come to appreciate that my thoughts will sometimes drift into my past pain or into future anxieties and yet in the present I am learning to accept darkness and light, sadness and happiness and also my capacity to accommodate into my life being married and gay, and being Catholic and gay etc.

Recently, having experienced sustained periods of unhappiness and in response to my wife’s advice and my own needs, I reluctantly asked for some medication to calm me down when I am agitated.

At first I felt that I had failed in my attempt to move on in my life, but I have not failed, in fact I am continuing my journey of being open to all opportunities to find calm.

My wife said to me last weekend “have you remembered to take your “Chill Pill”?” As it happened I had. In that moment I sensed her satisfaction at the choice I had made to accommodate her needs as well as my own and it felt good.

She actually paid me a compliment about how nice I looked in my suit as I prepared to go to work yesterday – it was a most unexpected comment so I said to her “have you had one of my “Chill Pills”?” (Smile!)

My next blog will be: Family Networking

William Defoe

I grew up with a cliche ringing around my ears whenever I was feeling sorry for myself –“there are people a lot worse of than you in the world” – “think of the poor babies in Africa”

When I am in the midst of my unhappiness and everything feels hopeless to me, I resolutely refuse to acknowledge the pain of others in that moment, as I grapple with my attempts to emerge from the darkness.

I know, of course, that the cliche is in fact right and most likely, it is right at some level for all of us, but in that moment of pain we do well to focus on our own needs unless perhaps thinking of others brings some perspective.

I have a particular friend who is in a far worse situation vis-a-vis his mental health than I am. In fact a visit to him has the effect of certainly bringing a perspective to the difficulties in my life.

As a result of his torment, which I am privileged to have been appraised of by him, he has lost his job, his marriage is in difficulty and his motivation to move forward is very low.

So, yesterday, my wife and I visited him and his wife. We were able to encourage them to get outdoors with us, walk around a lake and talk before heading to the pub for a meal and a few drinks.

“Come back and see us very soon”, he says, as we leave for our two hour journey home.

“I’ll be back”, I say. He is my friend. I am resolved that I will never abandon him to his pain.

My next blog will be: Chill Pill

William Defoe

We will, no doubt, all have family and friends in our circle who have a reputation for being late. An old priest used to refer to my mother as “the late Mrs Defoe” and she is still alive 40 years later!

This post is not about being late in the sense of not being where you perhaps ought to be on time. This post is about a sense of judgement I feel is placed upon me when on my return from work on an evening, my wife will sometimes say “You’re Late”

I immediately feel judged because, in trying to build a place of calm in my life, I have, in recent years, kept work at work and home at home. For me, the dividing line in terms of the actual time that work ends and home starts is not the issue, it is the separation of the two which helps me to manage my life.

I recognise, less easily, the truth of my wife that she is concerned for my well being in terms of me eating late after being out at work for what seems to her an excessive amount of time.

So, I have asked her to express that concern differently because although her comments come from a place of love, in my attempt to be in the world, I need to avoid a sense of hearing her love as a judgement.

My next blog will be: Visiting a friend

William Defoe

When I am in the midst of unhappiness, I often hear these words in my head “I used to be Happy” quickly followed by “No you didn’t”

When the darkness in my life assumes precedence in my thoughts, the light struggles to emerge into the open and is quickly suppressed. 

The truth about the huge emotional upheavals that have been a feature of my life caused primarily by my conflicted sexuality, is that they have in fact ebbed and flowed and I can think of many times when I have experienced happiness.

The Integral Coaching that I have undertaken recently has empowered me not to think ahead to some idyllic future when happiness is dominant and constant, but to acknowledge and make a note of those times when they do occur, so that real happiness can be recalled, which will act as a beacon in the darkness.

So, my truth is that sometimes I am happy, and sometimes I am sad and actually they exist in my consciousness and memory together at the same time.

My goal is to make sure that I never think of happiness as being in the past tense! 

Will you try to join me in doing the same?

My next blog will be: You’re late!

William Defoe

In the western Christian tradition the Feast of Christmas – the birth of Our Lord, Jesus Christ, comes to an end on the 12th night with the symbolic arrival of The Three Kings (from the east) alternatively referred to as The Three Wise men who brought gifts to Jesus of Gold; Frankincense and Myrhh – this feast is called – “Epiphany”

These wise men represent the Gentiles – non Jews – to represent that the Good News of Jesus is for the whole world after the dear Jewish people.

My blog today, is to share a lovely Epiphany prayer which was sent to me today by a friend, which I would like to share with you:-

“As the wise men made their long journey to meet with God, so may each of us make that journey every day, facing our challenges and finding the energy and courage to keep going and the wisdom to know that the reward is worth everything.”

I have underlined the key sentiment for me in the prayer, because life can be a struggle for me , perhaps it is for you, but a way to manage this struggle is to live in the present, informed by the past, conscious of the future to come, but living the best we can for today.

My next blog will be : “I used to be Happy”

William Defoe