About four years ago I got into a mindset of getting fit and I lost a lot of weight as a result of regularly swimming, running and watching my diet.

The weight came off very substantially, but in the intervening period, although I still run occasionally and swim rarely, some of my weight losses have been reversed.

Whilst on holiday last week, I quite enjoyed getting into the pool, which was reasonably quiet and I found myself counting the lengths as I swam up and down.

The action of counting, irritated me because I sensed that the freedom that I wanted to experience in the present moment, whilst on holiday, had become some kind of process in which I would record mentally the lengths I had done.

I sensed the tension and listened to my inner voice telling my critic to stop counting,

I said to myself “Just Swim” and think of something else that makes you feel calm as you do.

You see, this was my time to refresh and replenish my body, mind and spirit and for those few days, my new found inner strength enabled me to assert my need for calm over my need to succeed.

My next blog will be:  Precarious Sparrows

William Defoe

I’m back after a lovely relaxing week on holiday with my wife in Alvor, Portugal!

I have noticed a capacity within me, which is strengthening, to hold the narrative of the present moment, whilst I have been away.

This means that I have not suffered, and those around me have not suffered either, from the times in the past when a deep foreboding descended on me as the days to the end of the holiday seemed to draw closer.

I had the same intuitive feeling that the holiday was coming to an end, but my inner teacher was able to bring me back to the present moment and was able to guide me to recognise that a holiday is just that with a start, a lovely middle and an appreciative and accepting end.

I felt able to say to my wife, what would you prefer to do today, and to allow her to lead and not feel in anyway that I was somehow sacrificing a deeply held preference.

I was able to read, reflect, pray, laugh, feel emotional, live in the questions that I cannot yet answer but at the same time, feel peace and calm.

So the needs of my body, the needs of my mind, the needs of my spiritual and emotional life were able to find elements of time in the present moment of each day to be listened to and attended to with the help of my wife who says wryly that she is noticing a change in me that feels safe and supportive and life giving in supporting her needs too

My wife sent to me a text message today which said “thank you for a lovely holiday, I enjoyed spending my time with you”

Now if that is not a sign of progress on my journey of self acceptance after 28 years of marriage and inner turmoil, I don’t know what is!

My next blog will be: Just Swim

William Defoe

The Right Reverend, Thomas Williams, Auxiliary Bishop of Liverpool was the chief celebrant at the funeral Mass for Cilla Black earlier this week, a much loved singer and entertainer and daughter of Liverpool who died aged 72 years on 1st August after a fall.

I thought it was wonderful when the Bishop told Paul O’Grady to say “Three Hail Mary’s” after he gave the eulogy for Cilla in which he said that they had been “hell-raising for the past twenty years”

The “Three Hail Mary’s” is a fairly standard “penance” that priest gives to a penitent after they have attended confession. These prayers are said in silence after leaving the confessional in front of the altar in the presence of God.

His wry comment drew a round of applause from the family and celebrity friends of Cilla Black, many of whom are not Catholic, but some of them Catholics who no longer practice their faith by formal attendance at Mass on a regular basis.

His comments and the reaction to them gave me a feeling of hope that my church, which I love, is beginning to shed itself of the harsher side to its doctrines which I firmly believe in and may be drawing some of these people back. I hope so.

The UK Conservative Party was for many years known as the nasty party, but it took steps to embrace a much broader “church” without giving up its core policies and principles – Bishop Williams comments made me feel that the Catholic Church is going to be able to do the same and has started the journey to do so.

I would love to think that all Catholics regardless of their sexual orientation would feel comfortable attending Mass and indeed confession in a church that recognises that we are born as individuals in the image and likeness of God.

Thank you Bishop Thomas, well done Paul O’Grady (amazing eulogy) and Rest In Peace dear Cilla Black

My next blog will be:    Alvor       (on 30 August) (Adeus!)

William Defoe

Earlier this week, Keegan Hirst a 27 year old Rugby League Player announced to the world that he was gay.

He appears to have been universally praised for speaking his truth in the context of being very much an athlete in a “man’s world”.

I salute his courage in speaking out his truth, it can’t have been easy, because although the general reaction has been favorable from his friends, family, team-mates, fans, celebrities and even his wife from whom he is separated, there was no guarantee that his truth would be accepted by all.

He said in an interview that having confronted his truth and come to terms with it, he has announced it to the world so that he no longer has to look over his shoulder all of the time.

I have felt very unsettled by the announcement, perhaps a tad jealous of him.

My journey to self acceptance has taken me over 30 years and is known only to a small circle of friends including my wife.

However, I was less able to confront the issue 22 years ago, when I recognised and loathed my own truth of taking the risk of losing my wife and my children.

I had made a commitment to my wife – a bond of marriage – and I could not risk hurting her or losing her – for better, or worse, in sickness and in health, for richer for poorer – those were the promises I made and the fact that I had not matured into full knowledge of my sexuality until after my marriage was incidental to the fact that I was married.

I have felt again this week, a sense of having failed myself, my wife and my family for not having announced my truth at the age of 29 years when I was fully aware of my truth.

I had to dig deep into my coaching experience in recent years to expel the judge from my thoughts, and recognise that the choice I made also has its merits.

Keegan’s choice does not mean that for him the road is smooth – it is not smooth for many of us in life, likewise my journey until recently was tortuous and painful, but I am winning through.

I have learned to love myself, acknowledge my failings and my bravery and strength to do what I did do and to move forward, like Keegan will do in the years ahead unburdened from the pain and turmoil of inner conflict.

Well done Keegan, I wish you and your family well.

My next blog will be “Three Hail Mary’s”

William Defoe

My wife makes me laugh – sometimes!

Each time I ask her to go for a walk with me there are two conditions to her acquiescence.

1/ “Will there be any hills?” – “I don’t do hills”

2/ “Will there be a pub?”

Each time, I assure her that I will avoid anything that has any hint of an upward incline and there will be a glass of wine for her and a beer for me at the halfway point!

On a recent walk along a beautiful coastal path in North Devon, above Westward Ho, my wife enters into a philosophical mode of speaking – “William, why can’t the world be flat?”

My answer to her is about the challenge of hill walking, the spectacular views and sense of achievement, the snow cap peaks and the beauty of the mountains and valleys all over our world.

My inner response which stays with me longer still, is a deep reflection on the upheaval of emotions in each of our lives.

Why does my life have to be so emotionally charged?

Why can’t I feel calm ALL of the time?

Why do I react strongly to certain situations and conversations which leave me feeling that my life is a failure and the pain hurts so much.?

My inner voice draws my questions to the answer I gave my wife – the troughs and peaks of my emotional life are the mountains and valleys of the world which I love so much.

The feelings I endure / experience are life giving and life forming and there is beauty in all emotions.

The trick with emotions is to put them into the context of a wider life experience in the present so that they do not become all consuming so that life is being lived in a world that is flat!

My next blog will be: Keegan’s Choice

William Defoe

In one of my recent reflections, in which I converse with my inner voice, something came up which I had not expected  – I recalled that I’ve started to stroke dogs!

So, whats new here?, I ask myself

Response, from somewhere quite deep – “well you don’t really like dogs, you’re afraid of them and what is more…..you never used to stroke dogs”

So, why am I stroking dogs?.

My mind takes me to a recent trip to the coast.

I am walking along the beautiful coastal footpath, with my wife, when below us an elderly lady with a dog is walking on an adjacent path that converges on ours just a bit further along.

We meet, as if it had been arranged at that converging spot, and the dog looks to me for a greeting – a black Labrador – nice dog and without hesitation I stroke it and say “you’re a beauty, yes you are!”

Oh, I’m also talking to them too!

You see, what I am noticing, on my journey of self acceptance, is that in finding love for myself after years of anguish, I have plenty of love to spare for others.

Dogs seem to me to be always prepared to give love, it is only right then that I should give some of my love back in return.

My wife says as we move forward, “I thought you didn’t like dogs”

I say, “so did I, but I do now!, I keep stroking them”

“Well we’re not getting one”, she says

Wuff!

My next blog will be: Perspective

William Defoe

In my moments with self, I quite enjoy looking up a variety of interests on YouTube, quite randomly.

Earlier this week, I came across a 1995 BBC TV Face to Face interview which Jeremy Isaacs hosted with Paul Eddington, a much respected British actor famed for appearances on stage and screen, most popularly in “The Good Life”; “Yes Minister” and “Yes Prime-Minister”

The film was shown on television on 30 October 1995 and Paul Eddington died on 4 November 1995.

I remembered seeing the programme for the first time in 1995 and I was deeply affected when I watched it, and again earlier this week, by the sight of Mr Eddington appearing in the interview clearly in the latter stages of skin cancer which was very clearly visible on his head,face and hands.

In the course of answering the many questions that Jeremy Isaacs put to him, Paul Eddington talks about having to “find the courage to appear as myself”

These words struck me because, in Mr Eddington’s case he was talking about having to work as an actor on stage without concealing his baldness and facial disfigurement caused by his tragic illness, in your case and mine we can emulate him by also “finding the courage to appear/to be ourselves”

It’s not easy, but our audience, whoever they may be, are usually kind as he discovered.

He also said in this remarkable interview, that he had rejected his Catholic upbringing for perfectly plausible reasons, to become a Quaker with whom he identified strongly in terms of their political and social teaching, in particular in relation to pacifism.

He said “finding the Quakers was like finding an oasis in a desert” 

“Silence”, he said, “is at the centre of Quaker worship and that an hours silence is most refreshing”

I have found on my journey of self discovery, that silence for extended periods of time is absolutely crucial to the business of finding love for self, and then for others too, which is revealed by listening to our inner voice.

This moving interview ended with Jeremy Isaacs asking  Paul Eddington how he would like to be remembered – he was days from death – he said “I would like to be remembered as one who did very little harm”

He said “it sounds quite soft, but to have achieved a life which has caused very little harm in a world where so many people do a great deal of harm is a worthy achievement”

My own life of fear, isolation and pain has caused harm both to myself and those close to me whom I love, but I feel so invigorated by the prospect of living in the present in a life that causes very little harm!

My next blog will be: I’ve started to Stroke Dogs

William Defoe

Following the recent sad death of Cilla Black, ITV repeated a biopic on her early career starring Sheridan Smith as Cilla.

The three part series deals with Cilla’s life in the clubs of Liverpool and her audition for Brian Epstein who launched her to stardom with other musical talent from Liverpool at that time   – the Beatles, Gerry and the Pacemakers etc.

I was struck by the story of her manager Bobby Willis who later became her devoted husband.

His story was interesting too and I was drawn to it particularly because in the film, his brother is ostracized for marrying a Catholic by their father and later when Bobby falls in love with Cilla Black, a Scottie Road Catholic, his father refuses to welcome her into his home and as a result his son moved out too.

This issue reminded me of comments that a parishioner said to my mother when I started going out with my new girlfriend (later my wife) – “you do know that she is not a Catholic”

My mother replied that she was aware of that fact but it was not of any concern to her (although in truth it was insofar as she hoped any children in a future marriage would be brought up as Catholics)

One of the hardest issues I have had to come to terms with has been the apparent rejection of the catholic faith of my adult children. I have felt deeply hurt and disappointed and for a while I was overwhelmed and crushed and I felt like I had failed.

In my search for self acceptance, I have developed a capacity to be present and that means that I have to embrace the here and now as it is, not how I would have liked it to be.

This new approach of accepting disappointment in the present has been a crucial step for me in my journey of truth.

It has helped me to connect strongly with the vitality, independence and truth of my children,s lives rather than run the risk of ostracizing myself from their love and all the joy they bring to me in the present and who knows what in the future!

May Cilla Black Rest in Peace with her beloved Bobby.

My next blog will be “Face to Face”

William Defoe

One of the very first exercises that I was encouraged to take up by my coach was to develop an awareness of my body, my physical being and in doing so to discover that I am a living animate being, not just an emotional entity.

Exercises that I have taken up since the start of my journey to acknowledge my truth have occupied my head space for a period of time with intensity and then they have fallen off into a pattern of just being present.

I am now very much aware of my body. I am conscious, for example when showering or dressing and undressing of its existence. I will look at my hands and my feet after running and at my tanned face in the mirror (always a pleasure, that particular moment!)

Last week, as I knelt down in church waiting for Mass to start, in the quietness I noticed that I had a “Racing Heart”

My initial response was one of fear and an association with past experience of feeling anxious.

I focused, in the silence for a few moments, on my “Racing Heart”, and I slowly detected a rhythm in my head and chest of the blood being pumped around my body.

My fear began to be replaced with a sense of awe and wonder and deep gratitude for my physical life which is the conduit for my spiritual, emotional, intellectual and intimate life that I experience every day.

I was taught as a child that each of us are created as unique individuals in the image and likeness of God.

Whether we believe in a deity or not, we can all marvel at the wonderful construct which is our body.

No matter what its shape or its size, it should not be a surprise for each of us to experience from time to time the wonderful sensation of a “Racing Heart”

My next blog will be: “You do know that she is not a Catholic”

William Defoe

My daughter joined me and my wife for a long weekend at the end of our recent holiday.

We all enjoyed each others company which, to be honest, is no mean feat.

I have had to learn, through my development of self, to drop the “redcoat narrative” of expecting everything to go exactly to plan and to feel utterly responsible for everything including, I might add, the weather!

On Sunday evening after a weekend which had passed off without incident (which is remarkable!), my daughter commented “You seem quieter, Dad” followed by “Is everything OK?”

I told her that I had been learning through my coaching (which she is aware of) to be in control of my previous need to react to everything.

So she said to me – “does that mean that there are things that you want to say that you are not saying?”

I said, “yes, to a certain extent it means that i have learned not to vocalize all my immediate response to what I see and hear, but I am not suppressing my need to communicate, rather I am taking my time to find the right place and the right time to speak after conversing with my inner voice of calm”.

I said, “I have had a lovely holiday and a lovely weekend in your company you have been a joy”

My next blog will be: Racing Heart

William Defoe