I recently enjoyed watching a BBC TV drama called “Ordinary Lies” written by Danny Brocklehurst in which the various employees of a garage were revealed as living some aspect of a lie within their ordinary life.

Each week was a new “story” but the climax of the series was the discovery of a man who had run away from his wife and two daughters sixteen months earlier without a trace.

I was reminded by the episode of a former work colleague of mine who, one day without notice, boarded a train for London to get away from the stress of his life which was driven by deadlines, new fatherhood and insecurities in his leadership skills, with which, he just could not cope.

He arrived in London, wandered around for a few hours, and came to his senses, and called his wife to tell her what had happened – I don’t think he had even been missed by the time he called, but the anguish of the family left behind was demonstrated very well in the TV Drama.

I can certainly relate to needing to get away from it all and the temptation to physically absent myself from my loved ones has also crossed my mind in the past, but I think that there has always been, through my own suffering with anxiety and stress, just enough rationality to know that the pain on others would be too much to bear.

I have discovered a new method of “Running Away” which does not harm anyone by my absence and it is the discovery of what I would describe as a “Mental Awayness”

This mental absence from my life and family is experienced by me in my quiet moments which I have embedded firmly into each day of my life.

They can last moments – enough time to listen to my inner voice on a given concern – or they can last for me up to an hour (mostly less than that) where I escape the stresses and strains by silently and patiently focusing on them until I have resolved them, noted them, dismissed them or understood that on a particular issue I need some support.

So, if you feel the need to run away, make sure that you find space for yourself to listen to your inner voice and be prepared to do this very often because the answers take time to take shape and more often than not they will result in you running to someone rather than devastating them by “Running Away”

My next blog will be :   “Jam Tomorrow”

William Defoe

I’ve been flicking once again through the pages of a little book called “The Prophet” by Kahlil Gibran.

A holy man imparts words of wisdom on many issues, as he is about to disembark from an island, after waiting twelve years for his ship to arrive.

“On Pain”

…. and a woman spoke, saying “tell us of pain”

….. and he said “Much of pain is self chosen. It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self”

It seems at first, crazy to me, that any of us would choose pain, but with continued reflection and calm, comes an ability to appreciate that we do make choices about how we react to events of our lives.

I’m not talking here about physical pain, although I am quite sure that if I hit my thumb with a hammer, I could choose the level at which I cry out and carry on or chew my lip or curse until the pain subsides – e.g is their an audience for my display? (response – shout out/cry) or is there a vicar walking past? (response – smile and curse quietly)

I’m talking here about emotional pain. I have begun to realise that issues which previously caused me deep pain, no longer seem to have the power to do so. It is not because those issues are not still occurring in my life, it is just that I no longer process the effects on my well-being in such an intensely destructive and negative way.

Here is an example:-

For a long time, I reacted badly if a comment was made which questioned my sexuality. I was so sensitive about my suppressed truth being focused on, that a stray comment would cause me intense pain for days, years in fact if I chose to reflect on it.

I pick up on these messages all the time, but I have “armed” myself with several responses which is to confront it with humour, ignore it, or project the discomfort back onto the commentator, but I do not feel pain anymore.

And what is more, I think that I have taken the advice of “The Prophet”, in this lovely little book, and discovered the physician within me which has healed my sick self.

My next blog will be:       Running Away

William Defoe

I have gradually become aware that I am Living Art **        

I am Living Art when I express emotions of happiness and sadness and the full range in between!

I am Living Art when I am engaging in conversation (listening and speaking)

I am Living Art when I am expressing my faith in prayer and good deeds for others

I am Living Art in being a husband, father, son, sibling and friend

I am Living Art when I am being creative in watercolour

I am Living Art when I am working and leading and being lead

I am Living Art when I am sleeping and dreaming

I am Living Art when I am washing and caring for my body

I am Living Art when I am being reflective and still

I am Living Art when I am expressing my truth – this is the difficult art for me to achieve – this is the art which I held back for 30 years of my adult life – this is the art which has connected me to the world as a living “masterpiece”

Don’t settle for being a beautiful painting (which you most certainly are).

Transform yourself into “Living Art” by expressing your truth – “How high will you fly?”

My next blog will be:     “On Pain”

William Defoe

**Recommended read: The Icarus Deception by Seth Godin

I have noticed that my marriage is often akin to parallel tracks which represent me and my wife travelling forward in the same direction.

These tracks are secured by the sleepers and feel safe and sure for most of the time.

Occasionally, a weakness occurs and the workmen come and replace a bit of the track or a worn away sleeper and I imagine that to be in the context of my marriage the friends and family members who at various times step in to support and encourage us at moments of difficulty.

The main focus, has been of course, for us to keep the trains running,

By this I mean investing all of our efforts into our children as they have developed and grown into young adults who now run alongside of us on their own tracks, some of which are curving away in their own direction.

This feels a bit scary at times to me, but I am assured by the workmen that the tracks do converge now and again at various points up the line – so not to worry!, because regardless of this divergence,  the tracks are in an unbreakable network.

So, my marriage is on tracks which seem to have a unity of purpose and direction.

So, why do I sometimes crave for more intimacy, more intensity, especially after our tracks are put under strain by the trains that run across us?

I have noticed that our tracks tend to criss-cross as we enter and leave the stations on our route.

Criss -cross represents for me and my wife deep intimacy, love and unity in those moments of closeness so that we are able to continue to support each other and the trains that ride along us for the journey ahead.

Until, that is, we arrive at the sidings together, side by side for eternity, for our eternal rest.

My next blog will be:     Living Art

William Defoe

I have arranged to sing in a concert on Saturday 6th June and I am busy rehearsing for the event.

Last week a very close friend of mine invited me to his 50th Birthday Party – Saturday 6th June.

I now feel torn in two – I have a dilemma and it feels awkward.

If I cancel my commitment to the concert, which I could in fact do, I would be letting down the organiser and my tenor voice would in fact be missed – not for its brilliance (although I do sound rather nice when I get the notes in the right order!), but because there are not many tenors in the choir.

If I don’t go to the party of my friend, I feel I will be letting him down and , I will miss out, and my wife will feel that she has to miss out not wanting to go there without me (her choice, not mine).

This dilemma reminds me of a time, not so long ago, when two opposing views in my head  tussled for primacy and acceptance for my way of being in the world, and seemed to be irreconcilable within me.

I have learned that in being open to myself about the truth of my life and bearing witness to it, I have been able to resolve within me my conflicting truths of my gay sexuality, my love for my wife and our wish to stay married and my deeply held Catholic faith.

I realise that I don’t have to make a choice between the various aspects of my wholeness and truth – as my coach guides me with the words that “life is all encompassing” and the solution to internal conflict is a broadening of the space in which you live in the world.

If I can apply this broad approach to all that conflicting stuff, surely I can resolve a Diary Clash!

I pick up the phone to my 49 year old friend and let him know that due to a prior arrangement we will be arriving late to his bash – is that okay?

Of course, he says, you go sing at your concert, but don’t inflict that stuff on us when you get here!!!

My next blog will be:    Parallel Tracks

William Defoe

I have struggled to overcome my feelings of isolation and although I have made heroic attempts to eradicate this feeling through reaching out to others for help, I continue to feel isolated.

I have spoken my truth about my gay sexuality to my wife and other family members and I have sought help through Integral Coaching for new ways of being in the world and also being in my own space through quiet reflection and calm which has lead to an increasing acceptance of my truth.

I have reached out to my family for them to create a network of support around me, and I do recognise that the isolation I imposed on myself, throughout many years of bitterness and anxiety, has improved dramatically.

I’m not lonely, I have a loving family and some great friends and I am well respected and socially sought after amongst my work colleagues for my cutting humour and sense of fun.

I am beginning to see that behind my feelings of isolation are difficult truths which I have not yet mastered.

I am not fully open to the world and I have not been able to relate my problems to a man who has had a life of similar experiences to me.

I have to a certain extent, imposed my isolation on myself and although I have made changes, I continue to impose that isolation on myself for reasons I am still trying to understand and make sense of.

So, I understand that my isolation is not being imposed on me by some external force, it is being experienced by me as a result of the choices I have made in the way I live my life and on the days it feels raw and too difficult to bear, I know that ultimately it is I who will eventually find the courage to change it or accept it.

My next blog will be:     Diary Clash

William Defoe

Honest! I was recently overwhelmed by the sight of a garden wind-chime blowing freely in a garden!

I have noticed that whenever I walk anywhere, particularly along roads that I am very familiar with in my local vicinity from the perspective of a car, I am always amazed at the bits of detail which I pick up when I am on foot.

Last Saturday night, I went to meet my brother on foot, at a local pub. It was a surprise call from him out of the blue which gave me little time to react except to accept his invitation and set off to meet him.

I was pleased that he had called me and that he was responding to my request for him to be part of my family network, yet underneath my pleasure at his contact was a certain level of apprehension because on previous meetings with him my mood has provoked bitterness between us – and here he is coming back for more! Bless Him!

On the walk down to the pub:-

I was moved by the sight of a young family and a father who prevented his little boy running into the road.

I saw domesticity through lit windows and open curtains as people drew around their hearths for the evening.

I was mesmerized by a host of daffodils on a grass verge blowing in the wind.

Has that house over their always had a bay window upstairs? – I’ve never noticed that before!

A voice says “Hi” – Oh “Hi” I say (surprised) – as I walk past a bloke walking in the other direction!

After a few pints, I walk home and although I have had a good night and my brother congratulates me on the improvement that he sees in me, I am suddenly overcome with emotion which is a response to his generosity in helping me in all my difficulties.

As I walk along, I keep noticing the unfamiliar in the familiar and I am astounded by it.

I look over a wall into a garden that I have never seen before and there at the side of a rockery, next to a neatly clipped lawn is a wind-chime, blowing and sparkling and tingling in the night air, lit by the moon above, and I am overwhelmed with emotion at its beauty. 

What I want to say is that not far from your front door, is a world which is waiting to be discovered, like that little wind-chime was waiting to be discovered by me.

Get out there, discover the unfamiliar in the familiar – but leave the car and go on foot!

My next blog will be:    Overcoming Isolation

William Defoe

Over the last two years I have been undergoing a radical change in the way I interact in the world and in order to do this I have cultivated within me a place of calm by creating space in my life for solitude and reflection and making myself more accessible to my loved ones.

I have sensed within me a great change but underneath this change, deep down, is a level of anxiety which was more visible for most of my life, but has not gone away and I don’t expect that it ever will.

I have had the help through my transition to living in the present of a wonderful coach who has opened up within me new possibilities of living in the present whilst acknowledging the past which at times was full of pain and fear.

I can now move forward into a more confident future which has the capacity to resolve my inner conflicts and face up to the truth of my gay feelings within my marriage and my Catholic faith.

A few weeks ago I was pre-occupied with thinking that I needed to self generate my own continuous development and begin to gradually loosen my reliance on the guidance which my coach brings to my life.

Having agreed a looser arrangement, I suddenly felt vulnerable and scared for no other reason than I have recognised within me that my self generating capacity, which is real, needs her continuous support because she is my mentor and my friend and I respect and value her too much to ever let go.

My next blog will be :    Overwhelmed by a Garden Wind-Chime

William Defoe

I’ve heard it said that if a person gives a healthy kidney to a person who has been waiting for a kidney transplant, it is the the healthy person who takes longer to recover than the person receiving the kidney who benefits quickly from this amazing gift.

This week, I thought about this reality, after my wife explained that she was not ready for me to return part of my life to the voluntary work that I did for many years until two years ago, when I gave it up to concentrate on my inner conflict, a strained marriage, and to focus on supporting my youngest adolescent child with her studies.

In the last two years, I have had the support of my wife and family and an excellent coach as I have come to terms with the apparent conflicts in my life which had caused me deep pain, fear and anxiety for many years.

I am feeling now that I am ready to re-connect with aspects of my life which I put on hold, whilst I faced up to these challenges.

I realise that I have been in receipt of the metaphorical kidney and I have bounced back in a gradual, managed kind of way, but my wife, who has metaphorically given her kidney needs some more time.

So, we have agreed to live in the question for the time being.

I have learned through my continuous development which will never end, that answers take time and in the spirit of my new found calm and acceptance of being in the moment, I am ready to wait as long as it takes for her wounds to heal too.

Thanks for the “kidney” my love, I’d like you to share with you, my heart!

My next blog will be:    Choosing Continuous Support

William Defoe

I am beginning to observe that the more I make space in my life for quietness, the more I notice the issues which I have been trying to block out by the background noise of my life.

It can be disconcerting at times, to feel that in the midst of a period that I have set aside for quiet reflection and calm and peace, I am in fact challenged by my inner voice which speaks to me of the chaos of my existence.

For example, I have noticed that if I have an extended weekend I feel far more anxious as I walk from the car to the building, a matter of  3 to 4 minutes in time, than I am if I have had off the customary two days.

In these few minutes on Tuesday morning after the Easter break these were the thoughts which crowded my mind:-

• I don’t think I can continue in my job until I retire in nine years time – can I just make it through five more?
• My car is getting old, can it last out for a couple of more years?
• What if I don’t manage to save enough money for the weddings I want to provide for?
• I really wish I could afford to have the kitchen refurbished now
• Oh I’ve made such a mess of being a parent and I so wanted to be loved by them
• And how much longer have my parents got to live – will I be able to cope when they are gone?
• How long have I got left?
• Should I have taken a chill pill this morning – this worry is making me anxious! (Honest to God!)
• Will my wife make an effort to be nice to these friends of mine that we are seeing on Friday?
• We’ve been invited to a party but it clashes with another commitment – will my friends mind if we arrive late?
• Do we need to be at home when the plumber comes to fit the bathroom or will it be okay for us to leave him to it and go away for a few days?
• I want to take up my voluntary work but I am afraid that my wife will be cross when I tell her.

I then get to my desk, deliver what is expected of me, I am humorous, motivating and supportive towards my team and all the other stuff that crowded my head has receded back until I can find a moment to allow them back in for the space they need.

I have noticed that letting in the chaos in my quiet time enables me to see the layers of anxiety for what they are  – they are future fears not present reality!

Most of that list above, is based on fears about the past that have no relevance in my present, or for that matter in my future, and a lot of the other stuff is really just about future planning and juggling of my life.

So. don’t be afraid of focusing on the chaos in your quiet time – notice it, write it down and live in the present free of those layers of anxiety!

My next blog will be:   Giving a Kidney

William Defoe