I recently was prompted in my inner reflection of remembering how my long years of suffering were described as being a kind of  “wounded narcissism” by my coach.

I recall feeling slightly uneasy at mention of the term and on getting home I looked up what it meant to clarify her explanation of it.

Wounded Narcissism is when an emotional injury causes the sufferer to direct anger at others and also at self (this is not meant to be a text book definition)

There is of course a spectrum and narcissistic tendencies can result in serious aloofness to anger expressed in murderous actions.

My experience of wounded narcissism was directed at those close to me and I cannot really judge the harm I caused them which I regret so much, but I can assess the harm caused to self by my intense rejection of my gay sexuality and the pain I suffered as I tried to be in a world that did not know me, feeling isolated and scared.

There are times when I wish that I had never mentioned my truth to the world, and then I reflect on the shift within me that has transformed my life in the present so that I can be calm in the midst of turmoil and supportive to those who need me.

My wounds have healed, but I carry those scars and I know that I will carry these for life, but with time, I am hopeful they will fade.

When the pain does surface, as it inevitably will, the balm I need to heal is to be calm, to love myself, and to love even more those who have helped me overcome my wounded narcissism, especially my wife, my children, my parents and siblings and my amazing coach all of whom have liberated me from the pain of self.

If you are directing anger at others and also at self, liberate yourself in the present by seeking help to reveal your truth.

My next blog will be:   Entrapment

William Defoe

Last week as I was walking from my office at work into the kitchen, I said audibly out loud “I’m tired of worrying”

No one heard me!

Except one – me!

I knew that to express that thought into the space I occupied physically was a call for help from my inner voice.

I felt tired, anxious, overwhelmed and I have been less able in recent weeks to keep to my schedule of prioritising self whilst in the midst of pressure at work, upheaval at home with home improvements taking place, being out of sorts with my wife, anxious about financial pressures.

I was not immediately able to respond for my need for calm, but a note to self told me that I must make this a priority as soon as I could.

Over the weekend, I have found time to sit in silence, walk with my wife along the tow path of our local canal which is stunning, and I have found time to separate out in my head the issues that have been crowding in, many of which are behind me.

I have noticed that my fears and worrying are often about future things that I have control over in the present, and I recognise that fatigue makes me feel less able to appreciate this.

I think I was in need of a rest, so the worrying is a symptom of being tired in the present moment, rather than the tiredness being a symptom of worrying as it was in large elements of my past.

My next blog will be    Wounded Narcissism

William Defoe

On a pleasant evening in early May, I was sat outside a pub with a couple of friends when I was interrupted by a voice at the side of me asking me “Have you got a light, please?”

The speaker was a young woman and I said to her in response, “I am sorry, but I do not smoke, but perhaps my friends could help?”

To my surprise she replied, “I don’t want a light from them, I want a light from you”

I was momentarily confused and had a questioning expression on my face.

She said, “Oh do I have to spell it out for you  – you do realise that you are extremely good looking and you look a really nice guy – are you spoken for?”

I was dumbfounded and I stood up  and said to her “Thank you so much, that is so nice of you, but I am married”

I then gave her a hug and said again, “Thank you so much and I hoped she would have a great evening”

It is a long time since I have been made aware of someone being attracted to me, and I was quite pleased by it and I hoped that the woman had not been embarrassed by my response to her generous heart..

I reflected that she had courage because she made her remarks quite openly in front of her friends and mine.

I reflected that at times in our lives we all need courage to speak our truth which cannot be subdued by the negative response of our audience.

My truth, which I only half told, is that I am married and I am gay!

My next blog will be “I’m Tired of Worrying”

William Defoe

I called in with my wife to our local pub a few weeks ago and we were joined in a cosy corner of the bar by a group of very elderly people  – senior citizens – who had come out from the sheltered housing complex across the road from the pub.

I was enthralled by them.

It seemed to me as I listened in on their conversations, that even in old age, they had a mixture of concerns to attend to and events to look forward to and news and joy to share with each other.

One elderly gentleman had written to the Housing Association to complain about a recent episode when he had been without hot water and he had been sent some financial compensation.

Another chap was up and down on his stool going over to look at the out of sight TV screen for the latest score in the rugby and sharing with his friends his joy at the success of his team.

A couple of the men were due to go over to see relatives in Dublin during the forthcoming week.

In and amongst the conversation was the odd mention of health issues and doctors appointments and hospital visits and such things.

My overwhelming feeling, as I listened to them was one of deep respect.

We said goodbye to them as we left, out of politeness, but I came away from observing them realising that problems of life accompany us at each stage, but in the midst of the problems, there are opportunities to share stories, reach out for friendship and most of all, make the most of today by coming out with friends and enjoying a pint (beer)!

My next blog will be:  Have you got a light, please?

William Defoe

I follow a daily blog of Justin Wise, co-founder of thirdspace coaching in which last week one of his posts referred to a short volume of poetry which I have actually had sitting on my bookcase for ten years.

The address for the article is given here which I recommend to you.

http://justinwise.co.uk/2015/04/09/poetry-to-change-your-life/

The volume of poetry referred to is called “ten poems to change your life” compiled by Roger Housden and in response to this timely article on my journey of self-discovery, I reached for this little volume and I was surprised at my response to the poetry compared to how I had reacted to the poems when I first received the book (as a gift for my 40th birthday).

I noticed that I am far more able, than I was aware of a few years ago, to connect my life to the messages that each of these carefully selected poems had to give.

I connected with some more than others and for example in “Love after Love” by Derek Walcott the following line stirred within me an intense emotion:

“You will love again the stranger who was your self”

Oh, how true, but in order for this to happen, I have had to invest huge energy in being calm and find within me the courage to recognise that those aspects of me that I most feared and rejected are in fact no longer a stranger, but a friend.

and in “For the Anniversary of my Death” by W.S. Merwin this sentence

“Then I will no longer

Find myself in life as in a strange garment”

I don’t know why my friend bought me this book of poems over ten years ago, perhaps it was because I was at a life changing age of 40 at the time, but I suspect that her reasons for doing so, were more her response to my pain which I thought was hidden.

Ten years ago, I could not connect to the stranger within me, but thanks to Justin’s post I have been able to point to a massive progress within my life to befriend the stranger within.

My next blog will be:            Familiarity

William Defoe

I have been busy trying to get my garden into shape for the summer.

At the back of my garden is a patch of soil which is very much prone to weeds.

Last week I was on my hands and knees digging up a huge number of dandelions and I could not quite believe how many of them there were.

As I plucked each one, I was conscious of the rich quality of the soil which had been hidden from my view by the weeds, and it struck me that unless I cultivate this patch of ground on a more frequent basis, then without a doubt the ground will be overrun again with weeds.

I think it is the same process which we undergo in search of our soul (our truth).

In order to find the richness that lies within us, we must get down to that regular business of clearing away those aspects of our lives that cause us unrest and pain.

Those feelings may never quite go away, but we can learn to manage them, so that we recognise them for what they are.

By this I mean, that I recognise the dandelion as a weed and so I can pluck it out.

I know that these plants will come back, but having created a space for the soil beneath the weeds, I can give space for my beautiful roses to grow.

My next blog will be:   Poetry for Life

William Defoe

One day last week, I was in my car when the traffic signal changed to RED and I had to stop and wait.

As I sat there, a young woman on her mobile phone crossed the road, holding tightly onto the hand of her little boy, who I would estimate to have been aged two-half to three years old.

This young woman, presumably his mother, was oblivious to the fact that he was being “dragged along” as she spoke to her friend on the phone.

The little boy, for his part, was not distressed, but his little legs were going along at such a pace to keep up with her and it made me think – “there has to be a metaphor in that scene for me”

Here it is:-

The woman on the phone is “the boss” / “the parent” and perhaps it is me or dare I say you!

In holding his hand she is leading and guiding and taking control and taking care but it is too intense and it lacks attentiveness to his wider needs.

In talking on the phone she is juggling her responsibilities with her other priorities, possibly her own difficulties that the little boy has no concept of.

She cares for her team/family, but at this moment she is not aware that they are being stretched and need her to have an awareness of the pressure that is mounting.

The little boy, is perhaps me, or dare I say you and we are supported and kept safe, but we are on the cusp of falling if the pace does not ease off soon.

We need someone to notice us and help us to find a way to ease of the pressure that we are experiencing in this moment.

The answer is for the little boy to call out and ask his mother to slow down or pick him up for a while as his legs are tired, or he could try crying or screaming but if it gets to that state it will be hard to overcome quickly the emotional upheaval.

The answer for us, as leaders/parents is to exercise control by letting go of the hands of those in our teams/family and noticing the stresses and strains by being attentive and aware and available.

The answer for us as individuals is to recognise our own limitations, speak up and ask for help from within and from others, before we break (emotionally/physically/spiritually/academically) when we need it so that we don’t end up like that little boy being “Dragged Along”

Bless Him! He was so gorgeous!

My next blog will be:   The Soil beneath the Weeds

William Defoe

When I was a young boy from about the age of 7, I sang in the church choir.

I learned by heart the sung parts of the Latin Mass which post Vatican II was being phased out in favour of Mass being said in the vernacular – our own English language.

Recently, I have noticed that small elements of Latin are being said and sung on some occasions in church services, and one of these occasions which gives me a feeling of great joy, is what is known as the Novena Prayer to Our Lady (Mary, Mother of Jesus) which I attend on a Tuesday Evening.

We sing the following hymn (English Translation below):-

Regina coeli laetare, alleluia:
Quia quem meruisti portare, alleluia:
Resurrexit, sicut dixit, alleluia:
Ora pro nobis Deum, alleluia.

Priest sings: Gaude et lætare Virgo Maria, alleluia.

Response: Quia surrexit Dominus vere, alleluia

We then say the following prayer (English Translation below):-

Oremus (Let us Pray)
Deus, qui per resurrectionem Filii tui, Domini nostri Iesu Christi,
mundum lætificare dignatus es:
præsta, quæsumus, ut per eius Genitricem Virginem Mariam,
perpetuæ capiamus gaudia vitæ.
Per eundem Christum Dominum nostrum.

Response: Amen.

Now, in truth, I only understand the odd word of it, but the feeling I have when I sing the hymn and recite the prayer is similar to hearing French, Spanish, Italian and Portuguese people speak when I am visiting their countries on holiday.

I don’t understand what they are saying, but I can pick up on the sentiment of what is being said, perhaps in the tone of their voice, or the speed at which they speak, or the reaction of their listener (laughing/looking shocked/whispering a response etc.)

During the “Regina Coeli” I know that I am listening to something holy, connected to Our Blessed Lady and the reaction within me is one of peace and of healing.

My next blog will be:    “Dragged Along”

William Defoe

“Queen of Heaven” (Regina Coeli)

Queen of Heaven, rejoice, alleluia.
The Son whom you merited to bear, alleluia.
Has risen, as He said, alleluia.
Pray for us to God, alleluia.

Priest:  Rejoice and be glad, O Virgin Mary, alleluia.

Response: For the Lord has truly risen, alleluia.

Let us pray.
O God, who through the resurrection of your Son Jesus Christ
gave rejoicing to the world,
grant, we pray, that through his Mother, the Virgin Mary,
we may obtain the joy of everlasting life.
Through Christ our Lord. Amen.

A few weeks ago I had to make a decision about whether I moved some future pension benefits, which I have accrued through my employment to date, into an alternative scheme which had the potential to give me a higher income at my retirement.

To be honest, I dithered and procrastinated and I ended up having to make a snap decision within the deadline set without having taken the recommended financial advice.

Having read the papers one Saturday afternoon, I made up my mind what I was going to do.

I walked into the kitchen to explain this to my wife (who was even less interested!) and I resolved on my choice with her full support.

Basically, it narrowed down to one issue – “Jam Tomorrow” – let me explain:-

If I had chosen to move my pension rights I immediately gave up my right to contribute to my existing scheme.

I also would give up my right to access my pension at the age of 60 in return for potentially higher returns at the age of 65.

I had to assume that I would be working for my current employer for the next 15 years or so and;

I had to assume that I was not going to die before the age of 65.

In the end the decision was easy, I chose to live for today.

I chose to live in the present and value what I have in this moment  and applying this principle in terms of my pension was made easier by having chosen to stay within my marriage, despite my sexual orientation,  for the love I experience each day, rather than ending my marriage for the uncertainty of “Jam Tomorrow” 

My next blog will be:        “Regina Coeli”

William Defoe

This is my 100th post and I feel very proud of being able to articulate my journey of self-discovery in this way through my blog and I am grateful to my readers and followers for their support.