A couple of years ago, after I gave up some of my community voluntary work to enable me to concentrate on coming to terms with my gay sexuality, I started going to Evening Mass on a Tuesday.

This weekly ritual has taken on special significance in my life because my wife, who is not a Catholic comes with me and we sit together and hold hands during the short 30 minute service.

I have worked hard to reconcile my Catholic faith to my new found acceptance that I am as God made me and it is possible to be Gay and Catholic, and much to my surprise, Gay and Married (Heterosexually).

My journey to self acceptance is not a road to recovery – I have not been ill – I have been traumatised in the past by fear, isolation and self-rejection of a major element of what makes me special in the world.

I have discovered, through Integral Coaching, that in accepting my sexuality, I do not have to give up or lose another element of my truth i.e. my faith or my marriage.

Tuesday Mass has helped me to see that all elements of my truth are closely integrated and compatible in ways that I have spent a vast amount of my life, thinking they were not.

If like me, you have rejected an element of your truth, find some space (religious or otherwise) and a hand to hold so that you can bring yourself fully to the world.

My next blog will be: Demis Roussos

William Defoe

I write a diary everyday. At the foot of every A5 page is a quote which sometimes I notice, often I don’t, but I thought that yesterday’s quote was worthy of a post on my blog.

Here it is:-

“The moment the slave resolves that he will no longer be a slave, his fetters fall. Freedom and slavery are mental states”         Mahatma Gandhi

Of course, Gandhi here is referring to the reality faced by British rulers in India, that once the consent of the Indian people to British rule ended and turned to a quest for independence the momentum to achieve that goal was unstoppable.

I believe that each of us has a capacity to become enslaved to a belief, a fear or a rejection of our truth which has the capacity to enslave us.

When I eventually chose freedom over slavery in my own life I found the courage to bring the truth about my suppressed gay sexuality to my wife and some members of my family and I experienced liberation through their love and acceptance.

I accept that the outcome of my liberation from slavery may have been different, perhaps difficult, like it was for the Indian people in their quest for independence, but once the resolve is made to end slavery the fetters fall.

If you live a life of fear, hatred or the rejection of your truth, like me and countless others before you, choose freedom over slavery and watch those fetters fall.

My next blog will be: Tuesday Mass

William Defoe

I am beginning to build up within me a sense of calm. It is a new sensation for me.

I have lived my life since my confused adolescence in a raging storm of emotions which has wreaked havoc on all of my close relationships.

There have been moments of peace over the last 35 years, but, I have likened that to what would have happened in a storm if I had walked around a corner and experienced a brief respite from it, but my awareness of the storm never dimmed.

Two years ago, I confronted head on the truth of my gay sexuality which has raged within me as confusion, guilt, fear, self-loathing, inner conflict, resentment, anger and fear – my raging storm.

I have cultivated a place of calm through engaging fully in a process I now know as “Integral Coaching” which has provided me with a shelter from the storm – as if I have entered a “safe-house” whilst I come to terms with my truth and adapt to the freedom that I can now bring myself wholly and undivided in all my wonderful complexity to the world.

I am beginning to notice as I emerge from the “safe-house” that the storm has lessened. It still has the capacity to push and pull me, but it’s force is spent because the storm of fear is gradually being mellowed into a calm of self-acceptance.

If you feel divided and unhappy, follow me into a “safe-house” and discover your truth and then bring it wholly to the world.

My next blog will be: Freedom and slavery

William Defoe

When I was seventeen years old I received three anonymous Valentines Day cards from three mystery girls.

I worked out that one of them came from my friends girlfriend who wanted to make sure that I was not left out from the fun, the second I never worked out who it was from and the third one was from a young girl who I had only met once and never spoken to whom I began dating 3 months later  – she became my wife.

In the intervening years of our marriage although we have always exchanged cards and little gifts and I have sent her flowers the romance in the exercise was a little superficial.

Two years ago after confiding in my wife the truth about my sexuality and experiencing her huge capacity to include me fully in our marriage, my attitude to Valentines Day changed.

Through the trauma of having to tell her my truth and in fearing its consequences which have not come to pass in our marriage, I have wanted to respond to her with much more fullness and one of the ways I have done this is to acknowledge that she would like me to be romantic on Valentines Day.

So, for the third year in a row, I have booked a romantic meal in a very nice restaurant which includes a crooner serenading us during the evening. The stuff I loathed and rejected, which now I revel in, because in recognising my truth, my wonderful wife, has enabled me to see hers.

At the table I say to her, “Tell me again love – that card you sent to me when I was seventeen – was it because you fancied me?” “It was, wasn’t it”

Her response “Yes, love, if it makes you happy to believe that!”

My next blog will be: The Raging Storm

William Defoe

At the start of the year I introduced a change to an aspect of my daily living which has had a profound effect on me with a knock on effect to members of my family.

HUGE PROFOUND REVOLUTIONARY BRILLIANT EXCITING AWE-INSPIRING CHANGE!

So what is the change – here it comes:-

I SIT AND EAT MY EVENING MEAL AT THE KITCHEN TABLE !

For as long as I can remember, I have arrived home from work late after my family have eaten and I have sat in front of Channel 4 News at 7.00 pm eating my evening meal.

Late last year, I stopped putting the television on but I still sat with my meal on  my lap. I noticed that I had created an opportunity for conversation, actually an opportunity for me to listen and to  be supportive and supported.

The move to the kitchen wasn’t a new years resolution, it was a sudden impulse which builds onto the steps I took last year to be available.

Sometimes I sit on my own and I will eat in silence, but my head is not silent it is processing and celebrating the inward calm created by my outward availability. It does not have to be utilised to be worthwhile!

Often I am joined in the kitchen and capture precious moments with my daughters, moments of a mundane “how was your day?” have a thrilling effect on my being – the present moment utterly packed with a satisfaction that touches my core – the place where the hurt used to be.

My wife, bless her, will decamp to the kitchen and sit with me. We chat, we listen, we advise, we hold hands, while I drink my tea, before we break up to our respective evening activities.

Thanks for my meal tonight love, it was lovely!

My next blog will be: Valentines Day

William Defoe

When I was younger my world was explained to me as being between those who were like me  e.g Catholic and those who were not like me e.g. Non-Catholic.

Having said that, my parents were very kind and accepting of others and would go out of their way to never cause offence, but a difference was always explained so that we understood it.

I have gone out of my way throughout my adult life to respect and support the differences which I see in others, but I can’t help being aware of it.

Recently we were invited to celebrate a renewal of vows for some friends who are celebrating their twentieth wedding anniversary. They are preparing for the occasion as if it was a wedding. There will be respective Stag Do’s and Hen Do’s and a white dress and morning suits, photographer and cars and flowers.

When I was first made aware of their plans I inwardly judged the idea of all the fuss, until my wife explained to me that the friend in question had said that she  felt unfulfilled at the ceremony which took place when she got married, there was little fuss and she wanted to be married in church. She has sought out a priest and he is prepared to conduct the ceremony and she is terribly excited.

A light came on in my head and I suddenly “got it” – embrace everything – embrace and respect the choices of others which perhaps are different.

My daughter was having the plans related to her – sadly she jumped to my initial conclusion – a chip of the old block – I stepped in and explained that our friends love each other after twenty years and want to celebrate and where is the harm in that.

I said to my daughter – “You only live once” (I think!) – don’t allow yourself to miss out on celebrating the differences in others – make a conscious choice to embrace it all.

My next blog will be: Evening Meal

William Defoe

I laughed as I drove home from my work whilst listening to BBC Radio 4 “The Now Show” presented by Steve Punt and Hugh Dennis when one of them asked “Is the Pope a Catholic?” – audience laughter – “No, I mean it really, is the Pope a Catholic?”

This question is usually posed when we are trying to alleviate concerns in someones mind about the truth of what we are saying.

The humour of the second emphasis in “The Now Show” was in regard to the fact that Pope Francis is saying such radical things on various topics ranging from homosexuality, abortion, poverty, humility, mafia, bank corruption to name but a few!

It feels to those outside the Catholic Church and those whom have become separated from it that somehow this pope is different to his predecessors, particularly Pope Benedict XVI (my favourite Pope because of his courage and humility in stepping down)

As far as I can tell, this Pope has not changed a single doctrine of the church, nor would I particularly want him to – what he has done is make the church open to all those who want to become close to Christ.

For me there are three fundamentals to my faith which if they were to change would make me question if I was in fact still in the Catholic Church, these are as follows:

1. Does the Church preach the Gospel of Christ and teach that Christ rose from the dead (The Resurrection)

2. Does the Church teach that Christ is truly present in the Eucharist (Bread and Wine consecrated into the Body and Blood of Our Lord Jesus Christ truly present in the Eucharist) (Known as Transubstantiation)

3. Is the priest who is saying Mass in obedience to a Bishop who is in obedience to the Pope (Successor of Peter)

If the answer to all three is yes, even if I don’t understand a word that is said (e.g on holiday abroad) , I am in the right place!

I am so pleased that Pope Francis is making the heart of the faith accessible to sinners and to rich and poor, straight and gay, hungry and fed and that he is placing our focus on our own need for Christ and on humility and poverty.

On my own journey of discovery to self acceptance I have come to realise that God made me as I am with all my good qualities and imperfections and that on my journey which has its origins in guilt and fear, my faith has stayed in tact – rock solid in fact.

If you have similarly felt separated from your faith because of your unique qualities and sinfulness, add a spiritual dimension to your life to support your physical and mental dimensions.

My next blog will be: You Only Live Once

William Defoe

In the opening scene of the new series of Waterloo Road, (a school drama based in Scotland); a young girl Bonnie (Holly Jack) walks into the school yard at the start of a new term and she has transformed herself into a very attractive and sexy young girl who wants to be noticed.

The camera swivels around the yard and captures the many reactions of the lads who are themselves just discovering through their adolescence their sexual attraction to girls.

I was drawn to this briefest of moments as a result of the reaction of two brothers, sons of the Headteacher, Justin (Max Bowden) and Leo (Zebb Dempster), his younger brother.

The camera lingers on their reaction, both of them transfixed in their appreciation of Bonnie, but Justin in a more managed, assured, sexually confident appreciation and his younger brother Leo, less assured, all new to him, open mouthed. The scene ends with Justin forcing closed Leo’s gawped mouth and dragging him away.

As I watched that scene I felt intense pain. 

Firstly, the attraction felt by the brothers was instantly recognizable as a reaction which I am incapable of having in that lustful way towards girls.

Secondly, the mutual attraction of the brothers to the source of the attraction – I mean here, the experience of sharing that understanding and appreciation as brothers is an experience that I also have missed out on in my life. I was envious of them.

My attraction to women is polite, endearing and in some ways respectful and protective of women but it is not a basic instinct as I believed for many years that it should have been.

As I matured, much later in my life, and after I was married with children into my basic attraction for my own sex, I did not experience joy, I experienced deep, pain, torment, frustration, anger, guilt and fear.

Through Integral Coaching I have been able to come to a place of celebrating (albeit privately) my basic feelings towards men. I have been able to cast off the emotions of the past which in the present is tinged with regret occasionally, but I have traveled a long way on my journey to self acceptance of what makes me so special.

If you are on a similar path, join me in the happiness of celebrating our truth.

My next blog will be: “Is the Pope a Catholic”

William Defoe

I spent a day with my elderly parents earlier this month.

My mother is a very devout Catholic but she has always been sympathetic to the differences in others, but also strong in expressing her own beliefs and values.

She told me of a dream she had recently which made me laugh until I cried.

She said that in her dream her 93 year old neighbour had asked her if she would take her to the hospital so that she could have an abortion!.  (I’m already laughing!)

My mother had said she would take her on the bus and along the way she became aware that a rather posh lady from her parish whom I will call Margaret was coming with them.(I’m laughing harder – I know this lady!)

My mother said that it was so frustrating because in the dream she kept having to get off one bus and onto another about five times en-route to the hospital with this 93 year old pregnant lady and posh Margaret. (I’m still laughing!)

My mother said to the old lady “are you sure you need to have an abortion” and she said she did and Margaret told my mother off thinking that she was imposing her strong views on this subject on this old lady. (Oh my God!)

My mother said I was not imposing my views, I just felt that this lady was too old to need an abortion.

In the end she said we ended up at the hospital – but in my dream it wasn’t the hospital it was in the shop front at Rackhams (Department Store) – I knew, she said, that it was not the hospital but the old lady and Margaret seemed okay with it. (I’m losing it!)

She said I said to Margaret “you see them tubs over there, you won’t believe this but when I was a young teenager me and my friend Sheila got into one of them and they lifted us up to the next floor” Margaret said she did not believe it, so in her dream my 83 year old mother got into the tub to prove it – Dream ends! (I’m hysterical!)

It is hard to convey the humour in this moment but I was laughing and crying hysterically and I have written this blog to say if you have ageing parents have a day out with them because time is short and you may be surprised by their capacity to bring joy.

My next blog will be: Waterloo Road

William Defoe

Earlier this week after a long weekend break I experienced an old familiar episode of “feeling low”

When I feel like this, it has a physical as well as a mental dimension to it, and I feel completely overwhelmed by what seems to be a multitude of negativity flowing into my head whilst at the same time feeling light headed and anxious.

I have learned three important concepts for coping with this feeling through the Integral Coaching that I am undertaking and developing through:-

1/ When your are in it – notice it – give each thought a name i.e past, present or future issue

2/ When you are in it – tell yourself – IT WILL PASS!

3/ When you are in it – expand your experience to bring the issues which cause suffering some wider perspective.

So I noticed that my experience of feeling low on Tuesday morning was about future worries about whether I had the strength to continue in my pressured role at work and whether I would be able to continue until retirement which is some years ahead.

I noticed that this anxiety about the future is a recurring fear which has its roots in a past experience some years ago when I suffered a catastrophic loss of confidence in a previous role.

I noticed that the reality in the present is that I am doing really well, I am well respected, competent, hard-working and actually enjoying my job.

As I knew it would, the feeling passed and I am back in the present dealing with the pressures of each day as well as the rewards so that fears of the future have some perspective but are not in control of me.

By listening to myself and the feedback from others I was better placed to cope with my feelings earlier this week and I am better prepared for coping the next time that I am feeling low.

Try it!

My next blog will be: My Mothers Wonderful Dream

William Defoe