In the opening scene of the new series of Waterloo Road, (a school drama based in Scotland); a young girl Bonnie (Holly Jack) walks into the school yard at the start of a new term and she has transformed herself into a very attractive and sexy young girl who wants to be noticed.
The camera swivels around the yard and captures the many reactions of the lads who are themselves just discovering through their adolescence their sexual attraction to girls.
I was drawn to this briefest of moments as a result of the reaction of two brothers, sons of the Headteacher, Justin (Max Bowden) and Leo (Zebb Dempster), his younger brother.
The camera lingers on their reaction, both of them transfixed in their appreciation of Bonnie, but Justin in a more managed, assured, sexually confident appreciation and his younger brother Leo, less assured, all new to him, open mouthed. The scene ends with Justin forcing closed Leo’s gawped mouth and dragging him away.
As I watched that scene I felt intense pain.
Firstly, the attraction felt by the brothers was instantly recognizable as a reaction which I am incapable of having in that lustful way towards girls.
Secondly, the mutual attraction of the brothers to the source of the attraction – I mean here, the experience of sharing that understanding and appreciation as brothers is an experience that I also have missed out on in my life. I was envious of them.
My attraction to women is polite, endearing and in some ways respectful and protective of women but it is not a basic instinct as I believed for many years that it should have been.
As I matured, much later in my life, and after I was married with children into my basic attraction for my own sex, I did not experience joy, I experienced deep, pain, torment, frustration, anger, guilt and fear.
Through Integral Coaching I have been able to come to a place of celebrating (albeit privately) my basic feelings towards men. I have been able to cast off the emotions of the past which in the present is tinged with regret occasionally, but I have traveled a long way on my journey to self acceptance of what makes me so special.
If you are on a similar path, join me in the happiness of celebrating our truth.
My next blog will be: “Is the Pope a Catholic”