I have been aware for some time that I am living within a transition in my life and for me, it has had been, and continues to have, elements of difficulty.

Whilst on holiday, I spent a hour each day reading and reflecting on a book, which I have referred to in my earlier posts called “A Hidden Wholeness” by Parker J Palmer.

I could write a blog everyday on the ways in which this book and his teaching have touched me and stirred within me such a restlessness to settle those parts of my life which have been and continue to be very anguished.

Mr Palmer talked about a process that he engaged in called “A Clearness Committee” **in which a group of people support an individual to connect with their inner voice by focusing on the individual in listening to them speak uninterrupted for fifteen minutes, followed by a series of open questions to the individual on the issues that they have raised.

**(Further rules apply around the nature of this process)

Parker J Palmer had himself submitted himself to this process and held three, two hour sessions, in the Clearness Committee over an eighteen month period.

Words emerged, which Mr Palmer recognised as his inner teacher – his voice of truth.

He said “I fear becoming a seventy-year-old man who does not know who he is when the books are out of print and the audiences are no longer applauding”

I am twenty years younger than Mr Palmer, but this sense of feeling lost and uncertain, especially in respect of my desire to move on to a more fulfilling work life and a more fulfilling intellectual and emotional life resonate strongly within me.

I have discovered, through the Integral Coaching development that I am undertaking, that I need to:-

• find my inner teacher and listen to the questions which emerge, and then
• find a place of safety to speak out these questions so that they are heard, and then
• continue my journey of living with the questions until such time as my inner teacher leads me to the answer.

My next blog will be:     Being Honest

William Defoe

I have noticed that as I become more resilient and accepting of my own identity, I am frequently affected quite deeply by the beauty of the natural world that surrounds us all.

On my recent holiday in Portugal we were frequently visited on the beach by some brave sparrows who pattered on the beach looking for scraps of food under and around the sunbeds.

I was utterly transfixed by them, and I felt intensely joyful at their courage (in coming near us) and their resilience.

On one occasion, whilst sat at a beach-side restaurant for lunch, I noticed two sparrows swaying precariously on a branch which rose up like a very thin twig from the sand.

They were being blown on this branch one sparrow above the other by the breeze and I was mesmerized as I watched them cling on as they were moved erratically in all directions.

These “precarious sparrows” did not let go even when, to my joy, a third sparrow joined them and in doing so, put the branch under even more strain, they all held fast to their positions.

Of course, on my current journey to acknowledge and honour my own truth, I am often on the look out for those signs that speak to me of my past, my present and my future and these three little birds represented for me all three!.

At all times in life we are fixed in different ways to our current circumstances or the troubles of the past or the fear of our future – our branch

We are buffeted by life’s events in all directions which cause us uncertainty, anxiety and pain, but also joy, happiness, truth – our breeze

Some people are constant in our lives – our bird number two

Some people come in and out of our lives in happy or difficult circumstances – our bird number three

Some people believe that they are watched over with love and joy by a deity and/or our parents or relatives – represented by me sat in the restaurant

As I sat there transfixed by these beautiful birds, they suddenly fled from the branch and settled out of sight.

This for me represents the choices that all of us can make to face up to the challenges of our lives by moving on, facing in or reaching out or a combination of all three.

My next blog will be:   Getting Older

William Defoe

About four years ago I got into a mindset of getting fit and I lost a lot of weight as a result of regularly swimming, running and watching my diet.

The weight came off very substantially, but in the intervening period, although I still run occasionally and swim rarely, some of my weight losses have been reversed.

Whilst on holiday last week, I quite enjoyed getting into the pool, which was reasonably quiet and I found myself counting the lengths as I swam up and down.

The action of counting, irritated me because I sensed that the freedom that I wanted to experience in the present moment, whilst on holiday, had become some kind of process in which I would record mentally the lengths I had done.

I sensed the tension and listened to my inner voice telling my critic to stop counting,

I said to myself “Just Swim” and think of something else that makes you feel calm as you do.

You see, this was my time to refresh and replenish my body, mind and spirit and for those few days, my new found inner strength enabled me to assert my need for calm over my need to succeed.

My next blog will be:  Precarious Sparrows

William Defoe

I’m back after a lovely relaxing week on holiday with my wife in Alvor, Portugal!

I have noticed a capacity within me, which is strengthening, to hold the narrative of the present moment, whilst I have been away.

This means that I have not suffered, and those around me have not suffered either, from the times in the past when a deep foreboding descended on me as the days to the end of the holiday seemed to draw closer.

I had the same intuitive feeling that the holiday was coming to an end, but my inner teacher was able to bring me back to the present moment and was able to guide me to recognise that a holiday is just that with a start, a lovely middle and an appreciative and accepting end.

I felt able to say to my wife, what would you prefer to do today, and to allow her to lead and not feel in anyway that I was somehow sacrificing a deeply held preference.

I was able to read, reflect, pray, laugh, feel emotional, live in the questions that I cannot yet answer but at the same time, feel peace and calm.

So the needs of my body, the needs of my mind, the needs of my spiritual and emotional life were able to find elements of time in the present moment of each day to be listened to and attended to with the help of my wife who says wryly that she is noticing a change in me that feels safe and supportive and life giving in supporting her needs too

My wife sent to me a text message today which said “thank you for a lovely holiday, I enjoyed spending my time with you”

Now if that is not a sign of progress on my journey of self acceptance after 28 years of marriage and inner turmoil, I don’t know what is!

My next blog will be: Just Swim

William Defoe

The Right Reverend, Thomas Williams, Auxiliary Bishop of Liverpool was the chief celebrant at the funeral Mass for Cilla Black earlier this week, a much loved singer and entertainer and daughter of Liverpool who died aged 72 years on 1st August after a fall.

I thought it was wonderful when the Bishop told Paul O’Grady to say “Three Hail Mary’s” after he gave the eulogy for Cilla in which he said that they had been “hell-raising for the past twenty years”

The “Three Hail Mary’s” is a fairly standard “penance” that priest gives to a penitent after they have attended confession. These prayers are said in silence after leaving the confessional in front of the altar in the presence of God.

His wry comment drew a round of applause from the family and celebrity friends of Cilla Black, many of whom are not Catholic, but some of them Catholics who no longer practice their faith by formal attendance at Mass on a regular basis.

His comments and the reaction to them gave me a feeling of hope that my church, which I love, is beginning to shed itself of the harsher side to its doctrines which I firmly believe in and may be drawing some of these people back. I hope so.

The UK Conservative Party was for many years known as the nasty party, but it took steps to embrace a much broader “church” without giving up its core policies and principles – Bishop Williams comments made me feel that the Catholic Church is going to be able to do the same and has started the journey to do so.

I would love to think that all Catholics regardless of their sexual orientation would feel comfortable attending Mass and indeed confession in a church that recognises that we are born as individuals in the image and likeness of God.

Thank you Bishop Thomas, well done Paul O’Grady (amazing eulogy) and Rest In Peace dear Cilla Black

My next blog will be:    Alvor       (on 30 August) (Adeus!)

William Defoe

Earlier this week, Keegan Hirst a 27 year old Rugby League Player announced to the world that he was gay.

He appears to have been universally praised for speaking his truth in the context of being very much an athlete in a “man’s world”.

I salute his courage in speaking out his truth, it can’t have been easy, because although the general reaction has been favorable from his friends, family, team-mates, fans, celebrities and even his wife from whom he is separated, there was no guarantee that his truth would be accepted by all.

He said in an interview that having confronted his truth and come to terms with it, he has announced it to the world so that he no longer has to look over his shoulder all of the time.

I have felt very unsettled by the announcement, perhaps a tad jealous of him.

My journey to self acceptance has taken me over 30 years and is known only to a small circle of friends including my wife.

However, I was less able to confront the issue 22 years ago, when I recognised and loathed my own truth of taking the risk of losing my wife and my children.

I had made a commitment to my wife – a bond of marriage – and I could not risk hurting her or losing her – for better, or worse, in sickness and in health, for richer for poorer – those were the promises I made and the fact that I had not matured into full knowledge of my sexuality until after my marriage was incidental to the fact that I was married.

I have felt again this week, a sense of having failed myself, my wife and my family for not having announced my truth at the age of 29 years when I was fully aware of my truth.

I had to dig deep into my coaching experience in recent years to expel the judge from my thoughts, and recognise that the choice I made also has its merits.

Keegan’s choice does not mean that for him the road is smooth – it is not smooth for many of us in life, likewise my journey until recently was tortuous and painful, but I am winning through.

I have learned to love myself, acknowledge my failings and my bravery and strength to do what I did do and to move forward, like Keegan will do in the years ahead unburdened from the pain and turmoil of inner conflict.

Well done Keegan, I wish you and your family well.

My next blog will be “Three Hail Mary’s”

William Defoe

My wife makes me laugh – sometimes!

Each time I ask her to go for a walk with me there are two conditions to her acquiescence.

1/ “Will there be any hills?” – “I don’t do hills”

2/ “Will there be a pub?”

Each time, I assure her that I will avoid anything that has any hint of an upward incline and there will be a glass of wine for her and a beer for me at the halfway point!

On a recent walk along a beautiful coastal path in North Devon, above Westward Ho, my wife enters into a philosophical mode of speaking – “William, why can’t the world be flat?”

My answer to her is about the challenge of hill walking, the spectacular views and sense of achievement, the snow cap peaks and the beauty of the mountains and valleys all over our world.

My inner response which stays with me longer still, is a deep reflection on the upheaval of emotions in each of our lives.

Why does my life have to be so emotionally charged?

Why can’t I feel calm ALL of the time?

Why do I react strongly to certain situations and conversations which leave me feeling that my life is a failure and the pain hurts so much.?

My inner voice draws my questions to the answer I gave my wife – the troughs and peaks of my emotional life are the mountains and valleys of the world which I love so much.

The feelings I endure / experience are life giving and life forming and there is beauty in all emotions.

The trick with emotions is to put them into the context of a wider life experience in the present so that they do not become all consuming so that life is being lived in a world that is flat!

My next blog will be: Keegan’s Choice

William Defoe