In the opening scene of the new series of Waterloo Road, (a school drama based in Scotland); a young girl Bonnie (Holly Jack) walks into the school yard at the start of a new term and she has transformed herself into a very attractive and sexy young girl who wants to be noticed.

The camera swivels around the yard and captures the many reactions of the lads who are themselves just discovering through their adolescence their sexual attraction to girls.

I was drawn to this briefest of moments as a result of the reaction of two brothers, sons of the Headteacher, Justin (Max Bowden) and Leo (Zebb Dempster), his younger brother.

The camera lingers on their reaction, both of them transfixed in their appreciation of Bonnie, but Justin in a more managed, assured, sexually confident appreciation and his younger brother Leo, less assured, all new to him, open mouthed. The scene ends with Justin forcing closed Leo’s gawped mouth and dragging him away.

As I watched that scene I felt intense pain. 

Firstly, the attraction felt by the brothers was instantly recognizable as a reaction which I am incapable of having in that lustful way towards girls.

Secondly, the mutual attraction of the brothers to the source of the attraction – I mean here, the experience of sharing that understanding and appreciation as brothers is an experience that I also have missed out on in my life. I was envious of them.

My attraction to women is polite, endearing and in some ways respectful and protective of women but it is not a basic instinct as I believed for many years that it should have been.

As I matured, much later in my life, and after I was married with children into my basic attraction for my own sex, I did not experience joy, I experienced deep, pain, torment, frustration, anger, guilt and fear.

Through Integral Coaching I have been able to come to a place of celebrating (albeit privately) my basic feelings towards men. I have been able to cast off the emotions of the past which in the present is tinged with regret occasionally, but I have traveled a long way on my journey to self acceptance of what makes me so special.

If you are on a similar path, join me in the happiness of celebrating our truth.

My next blog will be: “Is the Pope a Catholic”

William Defoe

I spent a day with my elderly parents earlier this month.

My mother is a very devout Catholic but she has always been sympathetic to the differences in others, but also strong in expressing her own beliefs and values.

She told me of a dream she had recently which made me laugh until I cried.

She said that in her dream her 93 year old neighbour had asked her if she would take her to the hospital so that she could have an abortion!.  (I’m already laughing!)

My mother had said she would take her on the bus and along the way she became aware that a rather posh lady from her parish whom I will call Margaret was coming with them.(I’m laughing harder – I know this lady!)

My mother said that it was so frustrating because in the dream she kept having to get off one bus and onto another about five times en-route to the hospital with this 93 year old pregnant lady and posh Margaret. (I’m still laughing!)

My mother said to the old lady “are you sure you need to have an abortion” and she said she did and Margaret told my mother off thinking that she was imposing her strong views on this subject on this old lady. (Oh my God!)

My mother said I was not imposing my views, I just felt that this lady was too old to need an abortion.

In the end she said we ended up at the hospital – but in my dream it wasn’t the hospital it was in the shop front at Rackhams (Department Store) – I knew, she said, that it was not the hospital but the old lady and Margaret seemed okay with it. (I’m losing it!)

She said I said to Margaret “you see them tubs over there, you won’t believe this but when I was a young teenager me and my friend Sheila got into one of them and they lifted us up to the next floor” Margaret said she did not believe it, so in her dream my 83 year old mother got into the tub to prove it – Dream ends! (I’m hysterical!)

It is hard to convey the humour in this moment but I was laughing and crying hysterically and I have written this blog to say if you have ageing parents have a day out with them because time is short and you may be surprised by their capacity to bring joy.

My next blog will be: Waterloo Road

William Defoe

Earlier this week after a long weekend break I experienced an old familiar episode of “feeling low”

When I feel like this, it has a physical as well as a mental dimension to it, and I feel completely overwhelmed by what seems to be a multitude of negativity flowing into my head whilst at the same time feeling light headed and anxious.

I have learned three important concepts for coping with this feeling through the Integral Coaching that I am undertaking and developing through:-

1/ When your are in it – notice it – give each thought a name i.e past, present or future issue

2/ When you are in it – tell yourself – IT WILL PASS!

3/ When you are in it – expand your experience to bring the issues which cause suffering some wider perspective.

So I noticed that my experience of feeling low on Tuesday morning was about future worries about whether I had the strength to continue in my pressured role at work and whether I would be able to continue until retirement which is some years ahead.

I noticed that this anxiety about the future is a recurring fear which has its roots in a past experience some years ago when I suffered a catastrophic loss of confidence in a previous role.

I noticed that the reality in the present is that I am doing really well, I am well respected, competent, hard-working and actually enjoying my job.

As I knew it would, the feeling passed and I am back in the present dealing with the pressures of each day as well as the rewards so that fears of the future have some perspective but are not in control of me.

By listening to myself and the feedback from others I was better placed to cope with my feelings earlier this week and I am better prepared for coping the next time that I am feeling low.

Try it!

My next blog will be: My Mothers Wonderful Dream

William Defoe

A friend of mine made me laugh when he related this little exchange that he had had with his wife recently.

His wife had taken a comment that he had made about “her mother having overreacting to the risk of snow” as a slur on her mother so she had retaliated by saying: “Well if I told Your Mother that I had been to the Moon, she would say that she had been to Mars”

I laughed at the exchange because it reminded me of a pact that I had made with my wife many years ago in respect of never bringing into our arguments disparaging remarks about our respective parents.

There was a time when in the midst of a disagreement and perhaps at the point where the argument was being lost, the easiest thing to do would be to reach out for the old “well Your Mother……” followed by a return of “Don’t lecture me about My Mother…. Your Mother.…….”

Over the years I have become extremely fond on my mother-in-law and my wife’s relationship with my mother is close even though I am sure that there have been occasions when the pact has been hard to keep!.

On the occasions when we are respectively irritated by them, we keep to our pact because we both know that if I said her mother should move to the Moon, my wife would say well you’re mother should move to Mars! (pointless!)

Go on – make a pact today to leave the family out of your arguments!

My next blog will be: Feeling Low

William Defoe

Whilst at Mass yesterday, I noticed this prayer, which is said at the start of every Mass in what is known as the Penitential Act.

“I confess to almighty God and to you, by brothers and sisters, that I have greatly sinned, in my thoughts and in my words, in what I have done and in what I have failed to do, (and, striking our breast, we say;) through my fault, through my fault, through my most grievous fault; therefore I ask blessed Mary, ever-Virgin, all the angels and saints, and you, my brothers and sisters, to pray for me to the Lord our God.”

I noticed once again that it is the men within the community who seem to beat their chests the hardest as they say “through my fault, through my fault, through my most grievous fault” and I always feel deeply moved by their humility.

Yesterday it was a man in his forties, who moved me deeply by his act of contrition.

The purpose of the prayer near the start of Mass is to acknowledge our sinfulness and our need of forgiveness.

Even taking this sentiment out of a religious context and simply acknowledging and reflecting, on the times we have hurt others by our actions, or our failure to act, might provide us with a resolve to reach out and put things right which is no bad thing.

I have recently felt hurt by the actions of a very much loved Aunt. I decided last week after many months of anguish to reach out beyond my pain to her needs. I called in to see her with a big bouquet of flowers and just gave her my present moment so that our differences melted into the background.

“therefore I ask blessed Mary, ever-Virgin, all the angels and saints, and you, my brothers and sisters, to pray for me to the Lord our God.”

My next blog will be: “Your Mother”

William Defoe

Although we are in our early fifties, my wife and I still hold hands on a very regular basis.We met each other when my wife was sixteen years old and I was seventeen years old,

We were in church this morning in a parish near where we had spent a lovely weekend break and as I looked at her hand within mine, I noticed that, although her hand is the same to me as it always has been, and oh so familiar, I noticed in that calm space that her hand has aged.

I felt a very sudden rush of wanting to protect her, to keep her safe, nothing must ever happen to her? What would I do?

I asked her in the car on our way home – “Why do you love me?” 

She said back to me “I love you because you look after me”

I said, “In what ways do I look after you?”

Slightly exasperated with me, she said “you carry my heavy bag to and from the beach on holiday and you sort out the finances and you are kind”

I squeeze her hand in mine –“Yes, true!”

What lovely hands she has  – have you noticed your loved ones hands recently? – look, kiss and squeeze them! and do it often!

My next blog will be: Through My Fault

William Defoe

After a period of several months I have re-started with a determined effort my family networking.

I had previously asked my brothers and sisters to make some space for me in their lives, at the same time I told them about the suffering I had endured for most of my adult life, as a result of my isolation and fear.

I had assumed that because I had not been able to find acceptance for the dilemma I had experienced, I would be rejected by them all and the wonderful truth is that I have not been.

The feeling at first was quite euphoric, but then over time, I started to play this silly game in which the networking only counted, if they contacted me first. I was foolish.

They took my lack of contact to mean that I was doing well and the family network was no longer a priority for me.

I began to feel marginalised and isolated again within my own understanding of my place within my family and I felt hurt and angry until matters came to a head when in explaining my feelings to my brother, I got angry with him for his neglect of me and he got angry back with me  for my foolishness.

So, if like me, you feel isolated within your family, don’t play games, keep the network alive by picking up the phone and becoming an active participant rather than the passive victim!

My next blog will be: Holding Hands

William Defoe

In the years of isolation which I suffered as a result of suppressing my sexuality, I have often displayed signs of stress and agitation, particularly towards my family, but also itching, waking early etc.

When I finally found the courage to reveal my torment to my wife and I experienced her acceptance and her love, I began my own journey of self-acceptance through a process I now know as Integral Coaching.

This particular approach to understanding my pain has not been in terms of finding a recovery; rather, my journey has been to see life as all-encompassing.

I have come to appreciate that my thoughts will sometimes drift into my past pain or into future anxieties and yet in the present I am learning to accept darkness and light, sadness and happiness and also my capacity to accommodate into my life being married and gay, and being Catholic and gay etc.

Recently, having experienced sustained periods of unhappiness and in response to my wife’s advice and my own needs, I reluctantly asked for some medication to calm me down when I am agitated.

At first I felt that I had failed in my attempt to move on in my life, but I have not failed, in fact I am continuing my journey of being open to all opportunities to find calm.

My wife said to me last weekend “have you remembered to take your “Chill Pill”?” As it happened I had. In that moment I sensed her satisfaction at the choice I had made to accommodate her needs as well as my own and it felt good.

She actually paid me a compliment about how nice I looked in my suit as I prepared to go to work yesterday – it was a most unexpected comment so I said to her “have you had one of my “Chill Pills”?” (Smile!)

My next blog will be: Family Networking

William Defoe

I grew up with a cliche ringing around my ears whenever I was feeling sorry for myself –“there are people a lot worse of than you in the world” – “think of the poor babies in Africa”

When I am in the midst of my unhappiness and everything feels hopeless to me, I resolutely refuse to acknowledge the pain of others in that moment, as I grapple with my attempts to emerge from the darkness.

I know, of course, that the cliche is in fact right and most likely, it is right at some level for all of us, but in that moment of pain we do well to focus on our own needs unless perhaps thinking of others brings some perspective.

I have a particular friend who is in a far worse situation vis-a-vis his mental health than I am. In fact a visit to him has the effect of certainly bringing a perspective to the difficulties in my life.

As a result of his torment, which I am privileged to have been appraised of by him, he has lost his job, his marriage is in difficulty and his motivation to move forward is very low.

So, yesterday, my wife and I visited him and his wife. We were able to encourage them to get outdoors with us, walk around a lake and talk before heading to the pub for a meal and a few drinks.

“Come back and see us very soon”, he says, as we leave for our two hour journey home.

“I’ll be back”, I say. He is my friend. I am resolved that I will never abandon him to his pain.

My next blog will be: Chill Pill

William Defoe

We will, no doubt, all have family and friends in our circle who have a reputation for being late. An old priest used to refer to my mother as “the late Mrs Defoe” and she is still alive 40 years later!

This post is not about being late in the sense of not being where you perhaps ought to be on time. This post is about a sense of judgement I feel is placed upon me when on my return from work on an evening, my wife will sometimes say “You’re Late”

I immediately feel judged because, in trying to build a place of calm in my life, I have, in recent years, kept work at work and home at home. For me, the dividing line in terms of the actual time that work ends and home starts is not the issue, it is the separation of the two which helps me to manage my life.

I recognise, less easily, the truth of my wife that she is concerned for my well being in terms of me eating late after being out at work for what seems to her an excessive amount of time.

So, I have asked her to express that concern differently because although her comments come from a place of love, in my attempt to be in the world, I need to avoid a sense of hearing her love as a judgement.

My next blog will be: Visiting a friend

William Defoe