Dear Daughter

Preparing for this post has brought back painful memories for me.

I also realise that by looking back over the times I have failed you as a parent by reacting strongly to contain your beautiful and vibrant nature, I overlook to blend in the many times when I was good.

I have come to realise through my own journey of self discovery and self acceptance for bringing my own truth to the world, that I am able to recognise your truth as well.

You are different to me, but you are essentially of me!

I had always thought that I was trying to bring you up as a replica of myself in relation to an outlook on life and particularly in matters of faith. It was all so clear to me, how it was going to be and when you started to challenge that perspective I reacted strongly to contain you.

I allowed you, my dear precious darling daughter to become estranged from me in ways of thinking and being. We were awkward and argumentative in each others presence, but worse by far were the periods of silence – at least when we shouted at each other we were connecting – in the silence, the gulf between us seemed unbridgeable and I have mourned so much over your loss to me. I thought you were lost to me forever. I was wrong.

You moved into your own life and at first I grieved when you left home, but you were the one with the strength of conviction to say “I will stand on my own two feet”. You created for us both, some space to grow and understand ourselves and each other.

I have learned to accept you for being who you are – beautiful, smart, clever and energetic with a youthful zest for life, You seem happy, and oh that makes me so happy! – how can I not be happy when you are happy?

Dear daughter I am so proud of you and all that you have achieved and all that you will go onto achieve in the life that you choose to lead – I rejoice when I catch on to the difference in the way that you express yourself – I laugh inside that I can accept this – there is nothing bad about you – you are simply being wonderful you!

I had wanted you to conform, as I had done to the expectations of your family.

I rejected my truth to conform to the expectations of others and I was desperately unhappy.

I risked, through my behaviour towards you at times, of condemning you to the same fate – but you stood up to me and said NO!

For a number of years we managed between us, to spoil all the special times by alienating each other in our battle of will. It was difficult to look forward to anything.

Now I am able to delight in your difference. At your core is everything I hoped that you would be, but you are deliciously unique and oh so special and I rejoice in your truth.

Last week you sent to me a text that ended with the words “Lots of Love” – it was in response to my agreement to your request for help which I was delighted to give. You said that I had provided the means for you to experience something on your “bucket list” (Aren’t I supposed to be the one with the bucket list?) – I have given freely before, but never have I felt the warmth of your gratitude for it like I did last week.

I cried – I read it again and again and I cried and I cried because I think dear daughter, you are coming back to me with your love, which I thought for so long, that I had lost.

My next blog will be: Westward Ho!

William Defoe

In my most recent post I referred to a book by Parker J. Palmer entitled “Let Your Life Speak”

I refer you to it once again in this short blog in respect of a very particular aspect in which the author relates his life to the four seasons;

Autumn – a season of great beauty, but also of decline – a paradox of both dying and seeding.

Winter – a season of deep rest, a time of renewal, discipline and utter clarity

Spring – a season of rebirth, green shoots, a thaw in relationships, procreation

Summer – a season of abundance, community, a realisation of  our hopes.

Parker J Palmer’s explanation of the seasons in his life are marvelous and very thought provoking, and here is how I have responded to his premise that our lives can be lived in seasons.

Notice that I have not mentioned the weather, and neither really does he. Our lives, especially those of us who are managing an inner conflict, will be a mixture of light and shadow in all the seasons of our lives.

I have been impressed by the notion that the seasons can pretty easily categorized in the context of our whole life  – we are born – we live – we love – we lose – we love again – we die

I have been further impressed by this new notion that is explained by Parker J Palmer that we can live out the four seasons in any order in a day; a week in a month or in the time in takes us to emerge from a thought with a resolve to respond to it in the way that we chose to do.

Let me explain how I have tried to use the seasons to explain my thoughts and feelings.

My Autumn – great blowing winds that tossed me between all manner of indecision and fear, and yet an emerging recognition that I would have to change/adapt the foundations on which my life had been built. This churning of thought, and indecisiveness, kept me restless and anxious and fearful for many years, but during that time  my old way of living was slowly dying and a new truth was sown.

My Winter – In the days before I acknowledged to the world my homosexuality, after years of suppressing the truth of my feelings, I came to a place from which a great calm and clarity emerged, where, uncertain of the outcome, I had to communicate my truth to those who loved me.

My Spring – I communicated my truth and received the support of my wife and brother, they in turn helped me to seek professional help through coaching to help me accept myself after years of self-rejection and shame. The seeds I had sown in My Autumn were developing green shoots which pushed through the hard soil of my fear and hurt.

My Summer – Married and Gay; Catholic and Gay; Living in the Present, accepted and loved by those close to me in the full knowledge of my truth; learning to accept and love my full self – abundance at last – a reward for My Autumn storms, My Winter calm; and My Spring growth.

I like to live in seasons every day  – by this I mean learning to cope with inner conflict; regret, anxiety, fear, sadness, failure, disappointment, stress and emerging from these aspects in shadow and light so that at least in some part of the day an old destructive thought has succumbed to the green shoots of change and happiness.

My next blog will be    Dear Daughter…

William Defoe

As part of the Integral Coaching Therapy that I have undertaken since I began to accept my gay sexuality I was asked to read a short book by Parker J Palmer titled “Let Your Life Speak” – it had a very profound and emotional impact on me.

The book deals essentially with the authors search for “vocation” and how his neglect of addressing the needs of self lead in his life to very dark periods of depression and isolation from which he gradually emerges into a place of light.

My own experience of suffering has not resulted in the very severe depression which Parker J Palmer experienced but the idea of searching for self resonates deeply with me and my life has been blighted, until now, with feelings of anger, isolation, fear, self-loathing, inner conflict and resentment of those who love me and do not understand my pain.

At the start of this wonderful little book is the following poem by William Stafford

Ask Me

Some time when the river is ice ask me / mistakes I have made. Ask me whether / what I have done is my life. Others / have come in their slow way into / my thought, and some have tried to help/ or to hurt: ask me what difference / their strongest love or hate has made

I will listen to what you say. / You and I can turn and look / at the silent river and wait. We know / the current is there, hidden; and there / are comings and goings from miles away / that hold the stillness exactly before us. / What the river says, that is what I say.

The phrase itself “Let Your Life Speak” comes from an old Quaker saying which the author explains as “Before you tell your life what you intend to do with it, listen for what it intends to do with you”

As a young man, desperate to conform to the expectations I had of myself and of my family and faith community, I never really listened to what my head and heart were trying to tell me. I explain this now as having a lack of maturity, but I think I simply blocked out the truth of self because the truth about my gay sexuality was unpalatable and did not fit with what I was planning to do with my life  – marriage/children/community service/faithful to my Catholic faith.

For many years, as my inner self fought desperately to reveal itself from the place I had suppressed it to, I experienced years of isolation and anger and a feeling of being trapped – to reveal the truth would hurt my wife and children and I did not want to lose them.

Those of you who have read earlier posts of mine will recall that in November 2012, after suffering deep pain and anxiety I decided I had to tell my wife of the inner turmoil I had suffered from. I feared her rejection, but I had come to the point where I had to “Let my Life Speak” whatever the consequences.

I found love and acceptance from my wife, but this was not guaranteed and I continue to experience periods of darkness and light as I struggle to understand the cause of my inability to recognise the truth of my feelings when I was young.

I marvel at our young people today, who are able to express their sexuality openly and without fear. 

If you are suppressing your truth, find a quiet place to listen to what your life is telling you to do. Over a period of time, you will find a place of calm from which you will feel empowered to communicate your true self.

My next blog will be: The Seasons

William Defoe

Earlier this month a historic synod convened in Rome which came to consider the responses made by clergy and laity to a survey on the family which had been issued by Pope Francis earlier in the years to diocese all over the world.

I am 50 years old and even as a young man in the mid 1980’s I was aware that there was a widening disconnect between the teaching of the church and the attitudes of those like me who have remained active members of the church, and those who fell away from the practice of their faith in attendance at Mass.

In recent years following years of struggle with my homosexuality which I rejected as being somehow a scourge on who and what I was meant to be – I was wrong –  I have come to a place of acceptance that my sexuality is not a sin and in no way should I have ever felt it was appropriate for me to suppress it in order to conform to what was expected of me

The church is slowly moving to acknowledging that a persons sexuality does not preclude them from sharing in the Good News given to us by Christ in his ministry on earth, his brutal crucifixion and redeeming resurrection.

Pope Francis is reputed to be on the side of greater openness within the church for acceptance of homosexuality and although this opening synod did not fully back the wording of the text to be more open to homosexuals, it did open the door more more discussion before the closing synod next October.

I am not asking for the church to change its teaching on the issues such as gay marriage – I don’t actually support the marriage of two people of the same sex within church but I do support civil partnerships perhaps blessed by the church – but I want the church to open its doors to everyone who chooses to be a Catholic regardless of their sexual orientation.

As Pope Francis said recently – “Who am I to judge if a gay person seeks God with a sincere heart”

I have suffered terribly throughout most of my adult life over what to do about feelings I had in respect of my attraction to men. I prayed for these feelings to be lifted from me – now I am learning to celebrate these feelings, whilst remaining faithful in my marriage to my amazing wife, without judgement and fear. I am being open to God and to the world as He made me and my faith in the teachings of the Catholic Church are stronger for being able to bring all of my gifts to the church.

In a poem written by St Thomas Aquinas (1225 1274) as published in Love Poems from God, Daniel Ladinsky (see my earlier blog) there is a quote as follows:-

“Whenever He looks at you

God sees nothing in us that He has not given

Everything is empty until He places

what he wishes into it”

My next blog will be: Let your life speak

William Defoe

Each morning after I awaken I reach out for a collection of poems that is permanently situated at the side of my bed – these poems edited by Daniel Ladinsky are a collection of twelve sacred voices from East and West entitled “Love Poems from God”

This is my favourite written by St. Thomas Aquinas (1225-1274)

THE CHRIST SAID

The Christ said to us,

“I have cut you from a garden I tend and set you in a vase for the world to see.

Soon you will return, for your glorious presence I miss.

My hands need to touch you again, my divine sense and eyes require your soul’s beauty near.

Forgive me, my love, for the suffering our separation brought.

If I said I am in debt to you, could you understand?”

This beautiful verse touches me deeply because during the years of my marriage as I suppressed my homosexuality and was tormented, i somehow kept my faith in Christ. This poem help me to realise that to be faithful to a faith or an ideal or a community, I must first of all recognise myself as an individual.

During the two years since I informed my wife of my torment and experienced her love and support as I came to terms with my sexuality and accepted it as a significant part of what I have brought to the world, I have become more aware that a separation between me and my God has existed over many years.

The idea that God has mourned my absence is profound because it has allowed me to say to Him, I rejected and suppressed the gifts which you gave to me and now, in bringing them to Him and also to the world ,as an individual, made in His image and likeness, He asks forgiveness from me for the suffering our separation brought.

I like this idea because I have no intention of asking for His forgiveness for being a homosexual. I have carried a burden because I tried to conform to what I thought my family and the Church expected from me. I have learned that it is good to conform to an ideal and a faith but only if I am allowed first and foremost to be an individual with all my special gifts.

So through a difficult life, transformed now through an openness to the world, I have managed to keep my faith but I have loosened my bondage to the ideals of blind conformity to my church which I love.

In another poem written by St Thomas Aquinas (1225-1274), he writes:-

“God sees nothing in us that He has not given.

Everything is empty until He places what He wishes into it”

If you are suppressing your truth in the hope of conforming to an ideal, let these words encourage you to bring yourself whole as an individual to the places that you choose to conform to as I have tried to do, and find comfort in the love and support of others and if faith is part of your truth, then yes also from God.

My next blog will be: Catholic Synod

William Defoe

Over the weekend a very popular local radio presenter Simon Hirst announced to the world that he had changed his name to Stephanie by deed poll and that he is going to undergo a sex change next year.

I marvel at his ability and capacity to be true to self and bring all of his qualities to the world.

The radio presenter had given up his radio show last year in a surprise decision because he with this co-presenters were a very popular breakfast time show, however, it was said briefly that Simon Hirst had decided to leave for family reasons.

The 39 year old radio presenter explained over the last weekend in a radio show that he had informed his mother of his transsexual feelings just before she died last year and that he has now also spoken to his father who respects his sons choices.

This is the important part of this short blog for me – Simon Hirst has brought his truth to himself and to the world and he will experience levels of acceptance and rejection – this is the risk that we all take when we bring truth especially when our truth is different to those around us.

There are those of us who will scoff at the choice he has made and those of us who will embrace his truth – many are calling for him to be re-instated to his radio show as Stephanie

I am very conscious of the deep pain that Simon Hirst will have suffered in handling his feelings privately most likely to himself all of his adult life – I relate to that because I suppressed my gay sexuality for 25 years of marriage due to a fear that i would experience rejection

The most important part of Simon’s journey and also of my own is not really the acceptance of others, important as that is – no, it is the capacity to accept yourself and to bring your truth to the world.

With respect I call Simon his chosen name of Stephanie and I offer him all the best wishes for his future as a woman – he is in my prayers.

If you are struggling to bring all your qualities to the world, seek help and support to enable you to accept your truth and then you will find the strength to bring all of you  – beautiful you – to the world.

My next blog will be:  Love Poems from God

William Defoe

In the book “Soul without Shame” written by Byron Brown he describes excellently how to liberate yourself from the judge within.

When I came to read this book I had arrived at a place in my life where I needed desperately to understand the source and causes of my own unhappiness.

Byron Brown impresses on his readers the importance of recognising self judgement because as he puts it “Self-Judgement is perhaps the greatest source of inner suffering and discontent” as a result of which “our capacity to change and grow and expand and transform ourselves are severely limited”

My coach recommended this book to me as as part of an attempt to continue an unfolding story of self awareness in my life. In my experience of suppressing my sexuality throughout 25 years of marriage I had lost also my capacity to accept that all of me was a valid part of self and needed to be expressed in the world without fear.

I undertook some exercises each day in which I recorded the times I had made judgments about myself and also where I had made judgments about others  – these were numerous and surprising and many of them were thoughts that I had almost routinely of the virtues and more often than not criticisms that I had towards myself and others.

The judgments I had about others were often quite two-faced because on the surface I was perhaps displaying signs of respect and cordiality whilst inside I was thinking “what an arsehole you are”

The problem with expressing inner thoughts whilst not confronting the issue with the other truthfully is that eventually the failure to be true washes back as a judgement again on self. My coach said that to resent another in secret is like taking a poison and hoping someone else will die.

An excellent blog written by Justin Wise once referred to liberating ourselves from those whom we might despise by trying for a day to think the exact polar opposite of them – I tried this and it was profoundly amusing because in its strangeness it pointed a strong light on the futility of my thought judgments on others.

In recognising the judgement I make on others I try hard by living in the present to get underneath the nature of my judgement on them and then try to work out whether a dialogue or some other response from me would work towards addressing those differences – this takes time and should not be a knee-jerk action to put something right – but something that is true and honest and thought through carefully to improve the relationship.

Self Judgement for me as a devout Catholic got caught up in my life with conscience and shame and sacramental confession. I have spent many years being extremely hard on myself and this self rejection has damaged family relationships with my parents, siblings, my wife and daughters whom all love me.

Through recognising the judgments I made on myself that my sexuality was to be rejected as something sinful and wrong and a burden and a cross heavier even than the cross of Christ I made myself a victim of my own deep seated fear and anxiety.

I suffered terribly and came to the point in my life when I had to express my truth. In doing so I have liberated myself from fear to acceptance – more importantly than acceptance is self-acceptance and as Byron Brown says I have discovered that life changing capacity for expansion.

So I recognise in the present that I can be Catholic and gay and I can also be married and gay and I am aware now of being very much loved and gay.

This morning I was dancing on my own around the kitchen – my wife came in and said to me through laughing eyes  “you’re weird” – I loved her open judgement so much – fear in the present is defeated – the judge has been liberated – and I kissed her and said “I don’t care because all of me is present to you and I don’t have to live in shadow anymore”

If you are unhappy, liberate yourself from the judge and celebrate your truth in self acceptance and freedom – you don’t have to dance but I’ll wager a bet that you’ll want to when you’re done!

My next blog will be:   Stephanie

William Defoe

This post is for those readers who perhaps like me struggle to feel calm.

I have been encouraged over the last two years by my coach to make time to be calm by just sitting for a few minutes each day.

Sitting practice involves sitting on a reasonably straight backed chair with your feet squarely on the floor and your arms relaxed in your lap. In silence or perhaps to some soothing background music look in front of you and allow your body to relax.

It is useful to check in all elements of your body at the start of the sitting practice by tensing and relaxing your toes, then your feet, calves, thighs, buttocks – feel the small of your back on the chair and move your shoulders and become aware of the weight of your arms and hands and then rest them – move your head gently and feel its position on your neck – blink your eyes and become alert to the senses of the eye, ear and nose, breathing

You are ready to start – allow your mind to rove as you sit in silence and as thoughts come into your head notice them and let them go – I have found it useful to categorize my thoughts as past, future or present as they crowd in, however, it is important to let them be – this is not a time to resolve the concerns that emerge – that will come later – this is the time to be aware of them.

Perhaps the most enlightening moments of the eight or so minutes is the awareness of self  – I have found this particularly helpful if I have sat outside for my sitting practice – once the mind has settled and brought up a few issues, over time I have become very conscious of my self as a living being  – all my body is important and not just the thoughts in my head.

Understanding yourself as a unique, special and complete human system is very powerful especially if you are able to contextualize yourself as existing in the physical environment of the garden – being part of nature and perhaps a spiritual dimension may emerge to your sense of self – the important element of the eight minute daily routine is to let thoughts come in and let them go.

I have found that my best sitting practice experiences have occurred after physical exercise – I run quite regularly before work and after kicking of the running shoes I have entered into my sitting practice in the changing room before showering and changing for the events of the day.

My favourite sitting practices are those that I have shared with others  – on one occasion in an earlier blog I recorded how after a great upheaval in communicating my sexuality on a retreat I sat in silence with a nun who was extremely supportive  – the idea of being supported by someone at this time of reflection is very powerful to me.

My coach starts all her sessions with me with sitting practice. Although we have both always prepared in advance of my visits to see her I experience a deep calm as I wait for those few minutes to start our conversation – so much comes up and these thoughts perhaps shape how I approach with her issues that are causing me pain.

I should admit to failure with sitting practice – sometimes I struggle to fit them in at the start of the day – running late, early meetings etc, but i know in my heart on these days that I am denying myself the potential for self-healing.

A calm start to the day invariably leads to calmness throughout the day – try it!

My next blog will be – The Judge

William Defoe