One of the first of many literary aids that I was encouraged to study by my coach was the poem “See Paris First” by M Truman Cooper. which is written out in full below. Please read it and then re-read it after my observations below:-

See Paris First
by M. Truman Cooper

Suppose that what you fear
could be trapped,
and held in Paris.
Then you would have
the courage to go
everywhere in the world.
All the directions of the compass
open to you,
except the degrees east or west
of true north
that lead to Paris.
Still, you wouldn’t dare
put your toes
smack dab on the city limit line.
You’re not really willing
to stand on a mountainside
miles away
and watch the Paris lights
come up at night.
Just to be on the safe side
you decide to stay completely
out of France.
But then danger
seems too close
even to those boundaries,
and you feel
the timid part of you
covering the whole globe again.
You need the kind of friend
who learns your secret and says,
“See Paris first.”

As I have related in my earlier posts, I have spent most of my adult life rejecting my gay sexuality which I feared because to reveal it would most certainly have lead to the break up of my marriage and the potential loss of my children. I also felt that my attraction to men was in direct conflict with my deeply held values and Roman Catholic faith. I was pretty much wrong on all points.

My coach, in asking me to internalise this poem, was asking me to consider the possibility of acceptance of my sexuality and to do so within my marriage and within my faith if that was possible – it might not have been, but I was encouraged to look at the problem and dilemma that I had rejected and feared for over twenty years.

At this time I had told my wife of the anguish I had suffered through almost every year of our 25 years of marriage and she had accepted my pain with sincerity mostly as a result of the fact that I had struggled through and I had not had any extra-marital relationships.

I decided to look at the issue of my sexuality and face it head on. I had never had any contact with another man except in the daily torment of my feelings towards men and so I decided to look at pornographic material. I felt that to see the physical contact between two men would be facing what I most feared in the most direct way that I could imagine (short of getting out there to meet a man) .

In looking at this material, and with my wife’s knowledge and support (to a point), I had to overcome massive feelings of judgement – not about the act of homosexuality, but about how it had always been in conflict with my deeply held values and faith. In other words I had to overcome the judge – the inner critic – that was telling me that this was wrong.

I was not repulsed – I was aroused – and for a while I was quite hooked by this material until it had served it’s purpose along this part of my journey and I took steps to stop viewing it.

A second approach of “Seeing Paris First” was to look back at my own journey. How long had I been aware of being gay – certainly early on in my marriage, but my wife wanted to know if I had married her knowing that I was gay. I had not, however, in looking at the issue I know that in fact I was gay most likely from the start of my life – a biological reality and I was able to reflect on feelings that I had not understood or given sufficient space to understand whilst in my adolescent years.

I looked into my upbringing – the weight of expectation in terms of what I was expected to be – albeit from a position of kindness  and with my best interests at heart no doubt, but which turned out to be immensely damaging and the cause of the greatest pain I could imagine having to carry everyday of my life.

My new understanding translated into an acceptance that I had not matured either sexually or emotionally until I was married with two children – I was committed and we went on to have a third child. I don’t remember the day on which I knew I was gay but I felt it to be a long time ago.

So what is it like for me in Paris – I’ve been here metaphorically for two years – I am gay – I am married – I am a deeply committed Catholic – my sexuality is not a sin – if I have hurt those close to me through my deep frustrations, I am sorry, but I have done my penance – all I can do now is try to be open about my sexuality to myself and to those in my close circle who know my story.

I cannot assume that my acceptance of my gay sexuality will necessarily mean that my marriage will be sustainable – we have to take each day as it comes and journey together – some days are better than others – I have mood swings and feel anxious – but the best action I can take at these times is to face towards “Paris” and spend time in deep reflection and calm and prayer.

So, if like me you live in fear – go to Paris!

My next blog will be       –        Past; Present and Future Thoughts

William Defoe

Over the last two years of my journey to self -acceptance I have improved dramatically in noticing my own thoughts, interpreting the words and actions of those around me and recognising the space in which all of us exist.

This post is concerned with the improvements I have made in recognising the external environment and making my own connection with the world through observing my interaction with the environment through my senses.

One of the first exercises which my coach asked me to practice was in observing the world around me through all of my senses.

I tended to come at the world from a perspective of being at it’s centre and perhaps you are the same – you will have heard that expression, “He thinks the world revolves around him”

If you, like me are overwhelmed with anxieties about yourself, perhaps as result of illness or relationship breakdown or concern for close family and friends, it is useful to gain a perspective on this by expanding the reality in which we all exist in this world.

I started to do this, whilst driving the forty minute drive to work each day.  I would scan the sky and horizon to see what I noticed in the space immediately around me and into the distance as far as I could see. A routine journey, previously spent thinking about “my own stuff” became a journey of wider interest as I observed other cars who’s occupants were travelling in both directions – all of them have their own stories, worries and concerns no doubt.

The presence in the sky of clouds or cloud formations, beautiful and dramatic, or a glimpse of the sun through the trees on the horizon, the flock of swifts darting through the sky provided me with a sense of something bigger – perhaps spiritually at times, but also physically – in this larger environmental scale my own problems seemed to diminish over time.

I would wind down the window to hear the hum and buzz of the traffic, of horns of irate drivers, of the rustling trees. I would smell the fumes discharged by cars mingling with more palatable smells of the bakery and the hedges.

On parking the car, I felt the wooden fence, I felt the leaves on the trees and smelled a flower (after making sure I was not observed of course!). The connection with nature and all it’s beauty helped me to expand the capacity I had to allow conflicting issues in my own life to reside side by side in my consciousness but not exclusively, I had created a perspective around my problems so that I was not as overwhelmed by them.

These exercises are a constant companion to me especially when I feel hemmed in by anxiety about work issues or relationship issues.

There was a time, and occasionally there are still times when a dominant fear demands to have all the “mind-space” that I have. At these times, I look up to the sky or out onto the horizon and do everything I can to gain an external perspective by trying to see what is the furthest tree I can see, or the loudest noise I can hear or what is there around me to smell or touch.

A row with a loved one or fear about a deadline which bring on physical symptoms that we commonly call stress are given space to feel smaller within the expanded reality of the environment.

Try it …. often!

My next blog will be – See Paris First

William Defoe

Dance for me is  a metaphor for thriving in this world.

For most of my adult life I have been unable to truly thrive as a result of suppressing my sexuality and so two years ago when I reached out to my brother and my wife for support, I started to “dance”

With their support, and through the guidance and care of my wonderful coach, I to began my journey to discover my capacity to “Dance”

At the start of my journey I would have referred to this as a journey of recovery, as if from an illness, but more recently I prefer to think of it as a journey of discovery in which I take time to listen to who and what I am in this world and how I can bring my very best to everything that I hold to be true.

At the heart of my inner conflict has been my gay sexuality versus my marriage and my deep rooted Roman Catholic faith. How could I ever be able to Dance without having to choose a life course that put one set of values in conflict with those of another.

At the start of my journey, my coach wrote me a beautiful poem. I will share with you a line or two from it, but I am not ready to share it all because I am still working on its meaning within me and it is deeply personal to me.

“Take my hand and we’ll dance home together”

The poem is a gift to me – a special gift – and at the same time the poem addresses a fundamental yearning that I could not hope to realise in so many years of anguish and pain and that is the yearning to be true to the world, and whilst doing so, to experience love and acceptance from those around me, when for so many years I had feared that to reveal my truth would be to experience rejection.

When I was in my early teens I wanted to be a backing dancer on stage. I related in an earlier blog that my dad had said that “you don’t want to do that – it’s sissyish” – and I meekly acquiesced so that I would fit into what the world wanted me to be.

Although I only briefly had lessons in street dance with my wife many years ago, I have always had a natural rhythm, slowing down somewhat with age nowadays – I never danced like mi Dad as Peter Kay would say – I felt that I had a natural skill that was never exploited. Please don’t let that happen to you – always pursue you’re ambitions and bring your natural gifts to the world.

On holiday this year, as we sat at a restaurant at the edge of the town square, their was a group of people dancing. In the middle of the throng was an older man, perhaps in his late 50’s, and he was dancing with sheer abandonment. I was memorized by him  – not in a sexual way, but in his freedom of movement without inhibitions. I turned to my wife and I said to her – Inside I am that man over there, I want to dance with freedom like that, but I’ve never felt able to, there has always been an aspect of me that I held back.

A few nights later, a favourite song of mine by The Mavericks called “I just want to dance the night away” was being played in the square – my wife said to me – come on Will, now’s your chance and she lead me into the middle of the throng and we did a dance called “the slosh” with many of those around us joining in the formation. For those few moments I was free and once again I recognised that to be free is to be true to the world and to experience love and acceptance.

To much hilarity very recently, I was preparing for a day out with my wife and daughter and I felt excited and alive and I was dancing (prancing) around the kitchen whilst they looked on in mock disbelief – I didn’t care – we laughed – we were all close in the moment and I was free. 

My next blog will be – Noticing

William Defoe

My blogs so far, have been explaining to my readers the origins of my unhappiness, and my eventual courage to reach out to my brother and to my wife who have both offered me their support over the last two years, as I have tried to come to terms with my sexuality.

This blog is a link blog to help explain the professional coaching support that I have engaged with for the last two years and which I am certain will be a source of support to me for the rest of my life.

In January 2013, shortly after going to see my coach for the first time, she sent to me a programme which she had written to support me based on the  pre-meet questionnaire that I had completed in advance of our meeting, and then of course, the further topics which we discussed at our meeting.

I don’t think I understood at the time what Integral Coaching actually meant. I now know it to mean the following:-

It is a programme that looks at the whole complex matrix of issues which the client presents themselves with and these are all explored horizontally (across) and vertically (down) and links are made and understood between the issues.

In my case I had suppressed for many years the fact that I was gay.

I had  suffered a in silence because I did not want to lose my wife and children.

I came from a deeply conservative Roman Catholic heritage and I remain deeply committed to my faith.

I  was extremely anxious and uptight – scared of how I was perceived at work

I had not recovered from the circumstances surrounding a job loss several years ago – this continued to affect my confidence at work.

I felt a deep resentment towards my parents and siblings and at the same time I felt guilty for doing so

I was at times difficult and controlling within my marriage – I had expectations that I expected my wife to deliver and the children to fulfill.

I wanted to lose weight but struggled to motivate myself to diet and exercise

I was constantly worried about the responsibilities I had re my family’s financial situation.

I never really enjoyed holidays, particularly when my children entered the difficult teenage phases of their lives.

I craved for peace, rest. – I could not face the prospect of a further 20 years of life in this “mind trap”

At times I felt suicidal.

I wanted to laugh again, dance and be happy.

So:-

Integral Coaching is about searching for long-term excellence by which i mean enabling a person to bring their greatest virtues to the world.

Integral Coaching is about developing an ability to self-correct by taking time to self observe ones own’s thoughts and actions and by seeing clearly what is going on find the strength to take action in such a way that brings your truth to the world.

Integral coaching is about self-generating which means having the ability to use the tools that you have developed through coaching and then be able to apply them in your life without the constant need for support but recognising when perhaps further guidance is required.

I had intended to list my programme in this post, but I think that would have had limited impact, it is therefore, my intention to share the learning from my programme in pretty much all my future blogs.

I am in a far better place mentally and physically than I was two years ago, but I continue to receive face to face support from my coach, however, this is because I want to explore the deeper aspects of the matrix that I explained above so that I can be the best I can be, which by the way will never be perfect, but it will be something that reflects the best I can be in the world.

My next blog will be  – Dance

William Defoe

As I waited to hear from my coach with her programme for me to help me find a place of self-acceptance after many years of isolation and fear, I pondered over the origins of my sexuality.

My coach had said to me that I had to accept my sexuality and when I spoke in terms of a cure she said I was not looking for a cure to an illness I was entering a life-long journey of self acceptance. The change in emphasis in my thinking that I accepted in that moment was important, but I wanted to understand what were the origins of my sexuality and why had I been unable to accept it.

I am told that as a baby I was tetchy and difficult – I had been born a full term but was underweight. During the fourth month of my mothers pregnancy she had fallen on the ice and in the seventh month her father had died. At birth I was underweight (the placenta had been badly damaged and I had been starved in the womb) and I was taken from her for two weeks and placed in an incubator. I had an unsettled stomach.

In the years of my childhood and adolescence when my relationship with my mother became steadily more argumentative and she would despair at the difference in her relationship with me compared to my four siblings and she would relate to me her belief that it was as a result of her fall, her fathers death and our separation (that she had hated) when I was born.

So, was this all the cause of my gay sexuality? Was I born gay? – answer – yes probably but I still don’t know, but in any event it is not my sexuality that is the problem, it is that fact that during my formative years I was programmed into a very deep conservative way of  thinking and I struggled to consider my own “programming” in the midst of what I perceived I was expected to be.

A secondary concern I have about the origins of my sexuality is to do with the bullying i experienced as a child at primary school and subsequently at an all boys grammar school.

As a young child I was scared and shy and I felt more comfortable playing with girls than boys. I wasn’t interested in sport. I was often chased and cornered and hit in the playground and worst of all for no apparent reason an older boy at a different school used to hit me everyday on my way home from school at lunchtime until my mother happened to witness it and took steps to protect me. I never said anything but the inner turmoil and the anxiousness it caused was damaging both to my self-esteem and my education.

At grammar school the name calling “Defoe you puff” etc was a constant feature of my experience until sixth form. The worst attack came from a young  male teacher who ridiculed me in front of the class saying among other things that he kept a photograph of me at the side of his bed. This gave legitimacy of the boys who saw me as different to continue their verbal abuse. The response within me was a deeply entrenched anger and resentment which I have directed over the years at my family.

I recently came across an article in the BBC News Health section which alleged that child bullying victims are still suffering at the age of 50. I include here a link to the article.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-27063715 

In my case, I performed poorly at school and effectively I had to educate myself after I left school and I have managed to attain a level of seniority in my profession despite these setbacks.

The bullying had the effect on me of causing a deep and constant anxiety which made relationships and friendships with men quite difficult. I still find it difficult to converse with typical sport ridden men  – men I deeply aspired to be like, but I just never fit into that culture, even among the men in my family which has grown following the marriages of my sisters etc

The bullying also prevented the proper development of my emotional and sexual self. I conformed to what the world around me expected me to be and constantly fought to give the narrative that I was no different to anybody else.

The focus on my catholic faith and church teaching on sex and family were and still are deeply entrenched within me.

At that time (into my late teens) and going steady with the girl who became my wife, i did not know I was gay – I had not developed that emotional maturity to recognise how I felt so I blindly went ahead into a marriage and family responsibilities which ultimately resulted in many years of inner conflict and isolation.

My next blog will be: Integral Coaching – My Programme

William Defoe

When I first told my brother in November 2012 that I had suffered grievously as a result of suppressing my same sex attraction, our conversation lead on to what my family knew about my suffering,

As I related in an earlier post he told me that our older brother had once said “when will William accept that he is gay”  – I felt angry at hearing this and my brother urged me not to be resentful towards the family whom, he said, had felt helpless to get involved because I was capable of lashing out at them with aggressive statements.

My coach said to me “Resentment is like taking a draught of poison yourself and hoping somebody else will die” – this is a sentence I have repeated over and over to myself over the last two years and it speaks to me deeply of finding new ways to think.

As I drove home from my first visit to see my coach in January 2013, full of hope that my future had the potential to be happier, the four hours of driving to reach my home was a good time for me to start to reflect on what I must do to reach a place of self acceptance. Two particular themes came into my mind:-

• What are the origins of my sexuality (my next blog); and
• Had I somehow been let down by my family in my childhood and adolescence.

On getting home I was very emotional and it was difficult for me to explain to my wife what was going on within me. I had been stirred up that was for sure and now I needed to find some answers to the life of fear and isolation that I had lived and discover what would make me happy in the years of my life that I might still reasonably expect to live. One thing was for sure, I had to find a place of calm within me and reduce drastically my feelings of anger and wanting to control everything in my life and of those close to me.

The following day I spoke to my brother on the phone and I explained I had decided that I had confidence enough in the my coach to support me with my inner conflict with respect to my sexuality. He felt I would have been better seeing a male catholic counselor  who would understand my situation from a position of faith – I stepped up and said I’ve got the faith  – the church has no counselors in my neck of the woods to help me, and in any case I don’t want to come at all this from a narrow view of understanding, I want the integrated coaching approach that my coach is offering me.

We then started to talk about our Dad  – I told my brother that he had let me down and that in the years when he had the opportunity to help me, he had not done so, Mr brother said, “please Will, don’t go down that route of blaming Dad”  – he was fearful that I was going to confront him over my years of isolation and pain, but I said that at the current time I had no intention of doing so, however, I was determined to examine closely what had gone wrong in my relationship with him. The call ended angrily.

The following day he called me to say that he was sorry that he had been defensive. He said that he had been tired last night and that he thought I was doing great. He offered to pay for my coaching sessions which was kind of him but I assured him that there was no need, I had it covered.

I said to him, “I have begun a journey to help me understand and accept the nature of my place in the world – to understand why I am hurting so much and to move towards acceptance – you brother have been a great help already and I need you to be there for me i the future”.

I told him, “I am not blaming Dad for anything – he did for me what he thought was best and I won’t be confronting him on how I feel in respect that I was hurt by his approach and I just need to face it, understand it and move on”.

My brother said to me ” I think Dad failed you, I hate to say so, but I do, however, I don’t think he had any idea how to succeed with you”

[The issue being discussed here is my recollection that my Dad did nothing for me in my late teens when I showed signs of stress to discuss my problems with me]

My brother said to me “Dad did what he could to distract you from the areas in life that he thought would not be good for you, or put it another way that areas that you might chose that he could not cope with”

So what were these areas that might bring shame on the family:-

• I had want to be a dancer – my Dad said that was sissy-ish and I accepted the discouragement  – I lacked maturity to stand up for what I wanted to do with my life and I conformed to what was expected from me.
• I wore a bracelet and rings – my Dad said boys don’t wear bracelets so i stopped wearing it – I customised my leanings to what was expected from me
• I was highly strung – my Dad would challenge me but i responded by being verbally aggressive and challenging and he backed down so what he might have wanted to say to me was never said.

In future blogs I will related the journey of healing that has taken place within myself in respect of feelings towards my Dad and the rest of my family and how I continue to manage feelings of disappointment about the past, but from a place of calm and acceptance.

I will conclude my blog today by saying that I know deep in my heart that my parents and siblings love me and did not go out of their way to hurt me – we somehow allowed the relationship between us to be polite on the surface with anxieties being allowed to reside under the surface for many years.

My net blog will be – Origins of my sexuality

William Defoe

I met my coach for the first time face to face when I traveled 200 miles to see her in January 2013.

I was emotionally exhausted, and so desperate for solutions to my inner conflict and feelings of isolation, but I could not have imagined on the cold January day what an impact my coach would have upon my capacity to embrace within me the seemingly irreconcilable aspects of my life – my faith and desire to remain married and my homosexuality and constant state of anxiety over it.

After greeting me warmly and welcoming me into her home, we sat down to talk about the pre-meet questionnaire which I had sent to her before Christmas. I was cringing at the thought of her reading out the sentence which I had highlighted in red which stated that I had recently revealed to my wife and brother that I had a same sex attraction that had caused within me such inner conflict and isolation and was such a source of great unhappiness in my life.

When she came to that particularly sentence she sensed my anxiety and very gently asked me to explain to her the effect that the same sex attraction had brought to me life.

I related to her the anguish I felt about having these same sex feelings and which I had kept then hidden for many years from everybody so as to preserve my marriage and enable me to fulfill my obligations as a husband and parent.

• I had not understood my sexuality at the time of my marriage but over the years I had come to realise that my anger, lack of confidence and constant anxiety had at their core this constant awareness within myself that I was gay.
• I was forever praying that these feelings would be taken from me – I related to her how when reciting the sorrowful mysteries of the rosary I would refer to my sexuality as “my cross” – it is I think a term for relating to Christ’s suffering on the cross and I believe to a certain extent that all of us have a cross to carry for periods of time in our lives – but I thought that my cross was cruel.
• I talked about my sense of isolation and fear – I would pick up whenever anyone passed a comment on my mannerisms (which seemed to happen all the time) and how I would suffer for days afterwards that friends and colleagues somehow knew I was gay.
• I explained that I am not homophobic – I have a gay friend (who does not know the truth about my sexuality) – I am not against gay people – I just don’t want to be gay myself because it is in conflict with the path I have chosen in life – i.e. being married / faith values.

Whilst relating these issues to my coach all the pain and anguish came to the surface and I was for a few moments crying that sort of cry where it looks like you are laughing but there is no sound just uncontrollable emotion. It had the effect of unknotting some deep “locked in” emotion after which I had a sensation of calm.

My coach said to me “William – you must accept it” – “You must learn to embrace this aspect of who you are and accept the choices that you make as a result of coming to terms with this issue”. This is I think the only time that my coach has said “you must do something” but I looked at her and saw in her face her deep concern and care for me and I knew in that moment that she was right – my journey with her must be for me to find acceptance for my sexuality so that I could be with it in the world without it devastating my hopes for future happiness.

It had not been my intention for my coach to take on this aspect of my many problems – but we both recognised that this was at the heart of the problem and to sort out my head on this issue would lead to secondary beneficial effects on my family and work related concerns. I asked her if she could help me with this and she said she could.

We discussed the origins of my same sex attraction – i.e. when I became aware of it  – I said I was aware of it 20 years ago (5 years after I was married) but that it has caused me real anguish for the last seven years where I have constantly rehearsed telling my wife, but I feared too much losing her – it seemed to me that to tell my wife was to lose my marriage – when I did tell my wife, I had in fact come to the conclusion that the marriage would end.

We discussed my decision to get married – I was besotted with my then girlfriend – we had been seeing each other for six years from the respective ages of 17 years old and 16 years old and that I loved her deeply, and I was, and still am, attracted to her sexually – however I am not attracted to other women – I do not think I am bi-sexual – I am gay.

Making these statements, and then exploring them later in greater depth, was the beginning of my journey of self acceptance. My future posts will primarily focus on the strategies which I have engaged with over the last two years, many of which I will need to be mindful of for the rest of my life. These strategies have brought me to a place of self acceptance and they support me, each day, to manage the inner conflict which had previously blighted my own happiness and the lives of my wife and family who love me.

My next blog will be: Blame and Resentment

William Defoe

These are the key messages that I wrote on the pre-meet questionnaire which I sent to my Coach in December 2012, about a month after I had revealed to me wife that I had been tormented by a same sex attraction for many years of our 25 years of marriage.

I described myself as unhappy and unable to cope with relationships which are important to me – my close family, particularly, and that I worried constantly that my inner struggle and outward anger and awkwardness had caused irreparable damage.

I also related to her that my friends would see me as wonderful, funny, good company, loyal and dependent and that they would be horrified to know how much I suffer with the torment of being attracted to my own sex and how I make things difficult at home with my mood swings.

The form asked me to explain the commitments that I was in the middle of right now, and in response I wrote that I had recently had to confront an issue that has caused me deep concern and anxiety over a number of years – that I am attracted to my own sex. I also wrote that I was not expecting her to resolve this issue but I wanted her to be aware of it. I highlighted the sentence saying I did not want her help in resolving the issues of same sex attraction on the document as if to make it appear out of bounds  – the intent being that she would concentrate on my work related issues – oh how naive I was back then!

Other concerns I related on the form as follows:-

• I am worried I am perceived as “gay” at work
• I don’t believe the good feedback that I get at work – I constantly challenge it for evidence of error
• I am full of self-doubt about my abilities  – I tend to focus on the grey areas of knowledge and put myself down
• I talk about myself (within the family) as being “unwell” and they are sick of hearing me say it
• I feel guilty for having recently step down from voluntary service to the community
• I feel stressed about the level of support my daughter needs from me in respect of her A levels
• My relationship with another daughter is difficult and has been for sometime
• My older daughter appears to be indifferent to me
• I am concerned about my feelings towards my aging parents – I feel hurt by their neglect of my anxiety
• I feel anger towards my siblings

I related the following positive steps I had taken recently

• I have arranged to go on a silent retreat in February
• My wife and brother are aware of my sexuality and have offered me their support
• I keep a diary of my moods 
• I have 15 minutes each morning in silence as I recite the rosary

I was asked about what my hopes for the future were – I said the following:-

• I want to stop worrying about my sexuality and be happy with my wife as I was at the start of our marriage
• I want to feel happy and secure in my family’s love – I need to change for this to happen
• I want to grow in confidence at work
• I want to invest time in my interests and discover new interests that relax me
• I want to laugh
• I want to stop being scared
• I want to stop reacting to everything
• I want to stop spoiling all the happy family events because of being unable to cope with expectations I place on myself

I sent off my pre-meet material and I felt extremely fearful that once again in the space of a few weeks I was declaring myself in the world with openness and honesty. I was scared because I had no idea at that time that my coach would tackle head on with me the issues and aspirations that I had raised with her and begin with me my journey to self acceptance and calm.

My next blog – Self Acceptance

William Defoe

In the days leading up to the conversation with my wife in which I revealed my secret same sex attraction torment to her, I contacted on-line a professional coach with whom I had intense professional development seven years earlier.

The purpose of the contact with this coach was to seek her help in relation to difficulties I was experiencing at work, particularly with regard to a strong individual in the team. I felt that she would understand the background to my lack of confidence which stemmed primarily from being managed out of a job I loved at the time of our previous professional contact.

We spoke on the phone and agreed to meet in January 2013 at her home 200 miles away. This conversation took place on the day I traveled to see my brother to reveal my same sex attraction to him and the day before I told my wife of my same sex attraction problem.

By the time I came to fill in the pre-meet questionnaire which my coach had asked me to complete, I was in a different place and I was able to be explicit in my responses to her, about the full nature of my inner conflict and the terrible impact my torment was having on my family, my confidence at work and my mental health.

My future posts will focus on the content of my pre-meet questionnaire and the journey of self-discovery and self acceptance that my coach has guided me through with her amazing skill, generosity, kindness and care of me.

Two years later, I continue to have regular meetings and conversations with her – I adore her – she has become a beacon of light in my life – she has transformed the way I be in the world and she has opened up within me  a conversation which has increased my capacity to experience the highs and lows of my life in relative peace.

My next blog will be – Preparing for Coaching

William Defoe

My post today is going back to look at the inner conflict I suffered leading up to that day as a result, in part, of not being able to accept my homosexuality in the context of my faith, and the various contacts I have had with priests and religious (nuns) in respect of this dilemma.

In Autumn 2010 the relics of St Theresa of Lisieux came to the UK. We (with my wife and daughters) queued in the sunshine in a very long queue to go into our cathedral and pray in front of the ornate casket. I was deeply moved by the experience. (I had in fact been in the presence of the relics in 2007 when, with my family, we visited the basilica of St Theresa of Lisieux whilst on holiday in France).

The following morning I got up early, it was a Sunday, and I drove a few miles to the cathedral and sat in silence for about an hour in front of the relics. The dilemma and internal struggle that I was managing felt unbearable but I felt a very deep calm and hope. As I sat there, I saw people quietly going to a priest for the sacrament of reconciliation (confession) and I felt impelled to go to the priest and confess that I was gay (with hindsight I did not need to do this – but I was stumbling to a respond to how I felt in that moment).

In confession (and by the way I do go regularly and still do), I told the priest I wanted to confess something that I had held to myself for at least 20 years, but try as I might, I could not bring myself to say the words. In the end I said I had an attraction to my own sex and he said something about finding peace and absolved me from my sins.

On driving home, I sensed a breakthrough but I was disappointed with the response from the priest (not angry, disappointed). I suppose I had hoped for the offer of some help perhaps or re-assurance – he certainly did not condemn me or tell me to seek help to cure myself – it was almost like it was a non-event, but I know in my heart that the sacrament of reconciliation is not a non-event.

Later that same year (2010) I attended a one day retreat at a local university in the catholic chaplaincy. It was a day of discussion and prayer for peace. I enjoyed the solitude of it all. In the afternoon I attended confession and this time I could not get the words out to explain my internal conflict but the priest could see I was anguished by something. After absolving me from my sins, he asked if I would arrange to see him, he very much wanted to offer me his help.

A few weeks later I went to see him and I asked him if he would hear my confession – he said that what I was going to say did not require to be said in the context of confession – so I said that I wanted the rules of confession to be observed – so dramatic I should have been on the stage!

I spent an hour in a sitting room with him. He was kindness personified. I told him that I felt ashamed of my same sex attraction but that I had never responded physically to its deep call within me – I said it was like being celibate in some ways – I explained that I felt the need to tell my wife but I was frightened of losing her. His advice was that I was entitled to my own thoughts and in the interests of preserving the marriage I should not feel impelled to reveal this to her.

He also assured me that I was not alone with this problem – there are many men and women who grapple with the problem. I asked him if there was any counselling services available for me to receive further guidance but sadly there was not. I said that at some point in the future I would like to offer my services to the church in supporting other men and women who struggle to reconcile their sexuality with their faith values – he said that might be a possibility but until such time as I was reconciled to it, it would be a risk. 

 After this meeting I did feel less anxious about carrying my secret and comforted by the thought that I did not have to tell my wife – I was entitled to my own thoughts, but these feelings of comfort did not last. 

I had expected to hear from the priest if anyone became available to offer me further advice and support through the diocese but the call did not come and I felt abandoned, particularly when the inner conflict, anger and isolation and fear re-surfaced – I had been asked to pray for peace but it did not come.

In February 2013  – three months after telling my wife about my same sex attraction, we went together for a weekend retreat at a Jesuit house. We spent two days in complete silence except for an hour when we were permitted to speak to each other to check up on each other and our girls. At the start of the retreat we were assigned to a spiritual leader – my wife and I were put in separate groups with a different nun, and we were invited to have a 1: 1 with our religious leader at the start of each day.

On the Saturday morning after eating breakfast in silence I went to see my religious guide. She asked me what was going on in my life at the present time and I told her that I was in the midst of the greatest crisis of my life and I explained why – I am married with a same sex attraction, which my wife is aware of, and I have been asked by my coach (next blog) to accept it.- she thanked me for my openness and honesty. We prayed together and she helped me prepare for a day in silence in which I would reflect on a prayer that I had chosen and a postcard by Sister Wendy Beckett of a gate in the countryside.

The prayer I reflected on was this one:-

“O God, I was in a pit, not aware of anything out of the blackness, not knowing how long I would be imprisoned, not being aware of even the smallest glimmer of light. Waiting…waiting….wondering….questioning….pleading….yet always aware of You, wanting to please You, longing to live as You desired.

O God, I knew you loved me and that I could trust You, even in those darkest hours, but sometimes, I felt deserted and afraid, but You were with me and in Your time, a light appeared, and I felt bathed in Your eternal love.”

At various parts of the day I felt overwhelmed with grief, but also I experienced periods of deep calm and reconciliation, not so much with God, but with myself.

The picture of the gate was “portrait” in style and essentially black in colour – it had a closed gate across the centre of the picture under which ran a babbling stream. Looking through the gate I could see into pasture and woodland on which shone dappled light. The caption at the bottom written by Sr Wendy Beckett said :-

“Silence is the gateway to light”

The following day after breakfast in silence, I went up to see my religious guide. I spoke with her about the outcome in me of yesterdays day of prayer and reflection. I told her that I had at first been upset but this had been followed by calm. The gate that I had first perceived as a block had transformed itself into me, I said. The gate was no longer a barrier that I had to crawl under or climb over but was in fact a gate with a function – a gate with a purpose – I was the gate and I had the power to be opened  and to enter a place of beauty and peace and freedom.

I told her that I wanted to help others who find themselves in the same predicament as me so that if at all possible I can spare them some of the pain that I have experienced in my life.

When I had finished talking, there was about ten minutes left of the session and the nun asked me if I wanted to speak further or be silent – I said I wanted to sit with her in silence – these ten minutes with her were so beautiful – I felt so peaceful with her – so calm – so unjudged.

As I stood up to leave after a closing prayer she stood also – I reached out my hand to shake her hand but she put her arm round me and gave me the warmest of hugs imaginable and I melted and sobbed. She was so wonderful – I can still feel that hug now – once again my perceptions of what people would say once I revealed myself had been completely turned on its head.

Recently Pope Francis said “who am I to judge a gay man who seeks God with sincerity of heart”

I do not need to go to confession for being gay – I go to confession for the hurt I do to others for my bad behavior and for healing and forgiveness. 

My faith is strong – I can be Catholic and gay – I suppose I wish the church organisation would be more forthcoming in offering to support to men (and women) like me so that we do not suffer for being how God made us – I know that all of me reflects the image and likeness of God – all of me!

My next blog will be – A light appeared – my Coach

William Defoe