When I was younger my world was explained to me as being between those who were like me  e.g Catholic and those who were not like me e.g. Non-Catholic.

Having said that, my parents were very kind and accepting of others and would go out of their way to never cause offence, but a difference was always explained so that we understood it.

I have gone out of my way throughout my adult life to respect and support the differences which I see in others, but I can’t help being aware of it.

Recently we were invited to celebrate a renewal of vows for some friends who are celebrating their twentieth wedding anniversary. They are preparing for the occasion as if it was a wedding. There will be respective Stag Do’s and Hen Do’s and a white dress and morning suits, photographer and cars and flowers.

When I was first made aware of their plans I inwardly judged the idea of all the fuss, until my wife explained to me that the friend in question had said that she  felt unfulfilled at the ceremony which took place when she got married, there was little fuss and she wanted to be married in church. She has sought out a priest and he is prepared to conduct the ceremony and she is terribly excited.

A light came on in my head and I suddenly “got it” – embrace everything – embrace and respect the choices of others which perhaps are different.

My daughter was having the plans related to her – sadly she jumped to my initial conclusion – a chip of the old block – I stepped in and explained that our friends love each other after twenty years and want to celebrate and where is the harm in that.

I said to my daughter – “You only live once” (I think!) – don’t allow yourself to miss out on celebrating the differences in others – make a conscious choice to embrace it all.

My next blog will be: Evening Meal

William Defoe

I laughed as I drove home from my work whilst listening to BBC Radio 4 “The Now Show” presented by Steve Punt and Hugh Dennis when one of them asked “Is the Pope a Catholic?” – audience laughter – “No, I mean it really, is the Pope a Catholic?”

This question is usually posed when we are trying to alleviate concerns in someones mind about the truth of what we are saying.

The humour of the second emphasis in “The Now Show” was in regard to the fact that Pope Francis is saying such radical things on various topics ranging from homosexuality, abortion, poverty, humility, mafia, bank corruption to name but a few!

It feels to those outside the Catholic Church and those whom have become separated from it that somehow this pope is different to his predecessors, particularly Pope Benedict XVI (my favourite Pope because of his courage and humility in stepping down)

As far as I can tell, this Pope has not changed a single doctrine of the church, nor would I particularly want him to – what he has done is make the church open to all those who want to become close to Christ.

For me there are three fundamentals to my faith which if they were to change would make me question if I was in fact still in the Catholic Church, these are as follows:

1. Does the Church preach the Gospel of Christ and teach that Christ rose from the dead (The Resurrection)

2. Does the Church teach that Christ is truly present in the Eucharist (Bread and Wine consecrated into the Body and Blood of Our Lord Jesus Christ truly present in the Eucharist) (Known as Transubstantiation)

3. Is the priest who is saying Mass in obedience to a Bishop who is in obedience to the Pope (Successor of Peter)

If the answer to all three is yes, even if I don’t understand a word that is said (e.g on holiday abroad) , I am in the right place!

I am so pleased that Pope Francis is making the heart of the faith accessible to sinners and to rich and poor, straight and gay, hungry and fed and that he is placing our focus on our own need for Christ and on humility and poverty.

On my own journey of discovery to self acceptance I have come to realise that God made me as I am with all my good qualities and imperfections and that on my journey which has its origins in guilt and fear, my faith has stayed in tact – rock solid in fact.

If you have similarly felt separated from your faith because of your unique qualities and sinfulness, add a spiritual dimension to your life to support your physical and mental dimensions.

My next blog will be: You Only Live Once

William Defoe

In the opening scene of the new series of Waterloo Road, (a school drama based in Scotland); a young girl Bonnie (Holly Jack) walks into the school yard at the start of a new term and she has transformed herself into a very attractive and sexy young girl who wants to be noticed.

The camera swivels around the yard and captures the many reactions of the lads who are themselves just discovering through their adolescence their sexual attraction to girls.

I was drawn to this briefest of moments as a result of the reaction of two brothers, sons of the Headteacher, Justin (Max Bowden) and Leo (Zebb Dempster), his younger brother.

The camera lingers on their reaction, both of them transfixed in their appreciation of Bonnie, but Justin in a more managed, assured, sexually confident appreciation and his younger brother Leo, less assured, all new to him, open mouthed. The scene ends with Justin forcing closed Leo’s gawped mouth and dragging him away.

As I watched that scene I felt intense pain. 

Firstly, the attraction felt by the brothers was instantly recognizable as a reaction which I am incapable of having in that lustful way towards girls.

Secondly, the mutual attraction of the brothers to the source of the attraction – I mean here, the experience of sharing that understanding and appreciation as brothers is an experience that I also have missed out on in my life. I was envious of them.

My attraction to women is polite, endearing and in some ways respectful and protective of women but it is not a basic instinct as I believed for many years that it should have been.

As I matured, much later in my life, and after I was married with children into my basic attraction for my own sex, I did not experience joy, I experienced deep, pain, torment, frustration, anger, guilt and fear.

Through Integral Coaching I have been able to come to a place of celebrating (albeit privately) my basic feelings towards men. I have been able to cast off the emotions of the past which in the present is tinged with regret occasionally, but I have traveled a long way on my journey to self acceptance of what makes me so special.

If you are on a similar path, join me in the happiness of celebrating our truth.

My next blog will be: “Is the Pope a Catholic”

William Defoe

I spent a day with my elderly parents earlier this month.

My mother is a very devout Catholic but she has always been sympathetic to the differences in others, but also strong in expressing her own beliefs and values.

She told me of a dream she had recently which made me laugh until I cried.

She said that in her dream her 93 year old neighbour had asked her if she would take her to the hospital so that she could have an abortion!.  (I’m already laughing!)

My mother had said she would take her on the bus and along the way she became aware that a rather posh lady from her parish whom I will call Margaret was coming with them.(I’m laughing harder – I know this lady!)

My mother said that it was so frustrating because in the dream she kept having to get off one bus and onto another about five times en-route to the hospital with this 93 year old pregnant lady and posh Margaret. (I’m still laughing!)

My mother said to the old lady “are you sure you need to have an abortion” and she said she did and Margaret told my mother off thinking that she was imposing her strong views on this subject on this old lady. (Oh my God!)

My mother said I was not imposing my views, I just felt that this lady was too old to need an abortion.

In the end she said we ended up at the hospital – but in my dream it wasn’t the hospital it was in the shop front at Rackhams (Department Store) – I knew, she said, that it was not the hospital but the old lady and Margaret seemed okay with it. (I’m losing it!)

She said I said to Margaret “you see them tubs over there, you won’t believe this but when I was a young teenager me and my friend Sheila got into one of them and they lifted us up to the next floor” Margaret said she did not believe it, so in her dream my 83 year old mother got into the tub to prove it – Dream ends! (I’m hysterical!)

It is hard to convey the humour in this moment but I was laughing and crying hysterically and I have written this blog to say if you have ageing parents have a day out with them because time is short and you may be surprised by their capacity to bring joy.

My next blog will be: Waterloo Road

William Defoe

Earlier this week after a long weekend break I experienced an old familiar episode of “feeling low”

When I feel like this, it has a physical as well as a mental dimension to it, and I feel completely overwhelmed by what seems to be a multitude of negativity flowing into my head whilst at the same time feeling light headed and anxious.

I have learned three important concepts for coping with this feeling through the Integral Coaching that I am undertaking and developing through:-

1/ When your are in it – notice it – give each thought a name i.e past, present or future issue

2/ When you are in it – tell yourself – IT WILL PASS!

3/ When you are in it – expand your experience to bring the issues which cause suffering some wider perspective.

So I noticed that my experience of feeling low on Tuesday morning was about future worries about whether I had the strength to continue in my pressured role at work and whether I would be able to continue until retirement which is some years ahead.

I noticed that this anxiety about the future is a recurring fear which has its roots in a past experience some years ago when I suffered a catastrophic loss of confidence in a previous role.

I noticed that the reality in the present is that I am doing really well, I am well respected, competent, hard-working and actually enjoying my job.

As I knew it would, the feeling passed and I am back in the present dealing with the pressures of each day as well as the rewards so that fears of the future have some perspective but are not in control of me.

By listening to myself and the feedback from others I was better placed to cope with my feelings earlier this week and I am better prepared for coping the next time that I am feeling low.

Try it!

My next blog will be: My Mothers Wonderful Dream

William Defoe

A friend of mine made me laugh when he related this little exchange that he had had with his wife recently.

His wife had taken a comment that he had made about “her mother having overreacting to the risk of snow” as a slur on her mother so she had retaliated by saying: “Well if I told Your Mother that I had been to the Moon, she would say that she had been to Mars”

I laughed at the exchange because it reminded me of a pact that I had made with my wife many years ago in respect of never bringing into our arguments disparaging remarks about our respective parents.

There was a time when in the midst of a disagreement and perhaps at the point where the argument was being lost, the easiest thing to do would be to reach out for the old “well Your Mother……” followed by a return of “Don’t lecture me about My Mother…. Your Mother.…….”

Over the years I have become extremely fond on my mother-in-law and my wife’s relationship with my mother is close even though I am sure that there have been occasions when the pact has been hard to keep!.

On the occasions when we are respectively irritated by them, we keep to our pact because we both know that if I said her mother should move to the Moon, my wife would say well you’re mother should move to Mars! (pointless!)

Go on – make a pact today to leave the family out of your arguments!

My next blog will be: Feeling Low

William Defoe

Whilst at Mass yesterday, I noticed this prayer, which is said at the start of every Mass in what is known as the Penitential Act.

“I confess to almighty God and to you, by brothers and sisters, that I have greatly sinned, in my thoughts and in my words, in what I have done and in what I have failed to do, (and, striking our breast, we say;) through my fault, through my fault, through my most grievous fault; therefore I ask blessed Mary, ever-Virgin, all the angels and saints, and you, my brothers and sisters, to pray for me to the Lord our God.”

I noticed once again that it is the men within the community who seem to beat their chests the hardest as they say “through my fault, through my fault, through my most grievous fault” and I always feel deeply moved by their humility.

Yesterday it was a man in his forties, who moved me deeply by his act of contrition.

The purpose of the prayer near the start of Mass is to acknowledge our sinfulness and our need of forgiveness.

Even taking this sentiment out of a religious context and simply acknowledging and reflecting, on the times we have hurt others by our actions, or our failure to act, might provide us with a resolve to reach out and put things right which is no bad thing.

I have recently felt hurt by the actions of a very much loved Aunt. I decided last week after many months of anguish to reach out beyond my pain to her needs. I called in to see her with a big bouquet of flowers and just gave her my present moment so that our differences melted into the background.

“therefore I ask blessed Mary, ever-Virgin, all the angels and saints, and you, my brothers and sisters, to pray for me to the Lord our God.”

My next blog will be: “Your Mother”

William Defoe

Although we are in our early fifties, my wife and I still hold hands on a very regular basis.We met each other when my wife was sixteen years old and I was seventeen years old,

We were in church this morning in a parish near where we had spent a lovely weekend break and as I looked at her hand within mine, I noticed that, although her hand is the same to me as it always has been, and oh so familiar, I noticed in that calm space that her hand has aged.

I felt a very sudden rush of wanting to protect her, to keep her safe, nothing must ever happen to her? What would I do?

I asked her in the car on our way home – “Why do you love me?” 

She said back to me “I love you because you look after me”

I said, “In what ways do I look after you?”

Slightly exasperated with me, she said “you carry my heavy bag to and from the beach on holiday and you sort out the finances and you are kind”

I squeeze her hand in mine –“Yes, true!”

What lovely hands she has  – have you noticed your loved ones hands recently? – look, kiss and squeeze them! and do it often!

My next blog will be: Through My Fault

William Defoe

After a period of several months I have re-started with a determined effort my family networking.

I had previously asked my brothers and sisters to make some space for me in their lives, at the same time I told them about the suffering I had endured for most of my adult life, as a result of my isolation and fear.

I had assumed that because I had not been able to find acceptance for the dilemma I had experienced, I would be rejected by them all and the wonderful truth is that I have not been.

The feeling at first was quite euphoric, but then over time, I started to play this silly game in which the networking only counted, if they contacted me first. I was foolish.

They took my lack of contact to mean that I was doing well and the family network was no longer a priority for me.

I began to feel marginalised and isolated again within my own understanding of my place within my family and I felt hurt and angry until matters came to a head when in explaining my feelings to my brother, I got angry with him for his neglect of me and he got angry back with me  for my foolishness.

So, if like me, you feel isolated within your family, don’t play games, keep the network alive by picking up the phone and becoming an active participant rather than the passive victim!

My next blog will be: Holding Hands

William Defoe

In the years of isolation which I suffered as a result of suppressing my sexuality, I have often displayed signs of stress and agitation, particularly towards my family, but also itching, waking early etc.

When I finally found the courage to reveal my torment to my wife and I experienced her acceptance and her love, I began my own journey of self-acceptance through a process I now know as Integral Coaching.

This particular approach to understanding my pain has not been in terms of finding a recovery; rather, my journey has been to see life as all-encompassing.

I have come to appreciate that my thoughts will sometimes drift into my past pain or into future anxieties and yet in the present I am learning to accept darkness and light, sadness and happiness and also my capacity to accommodate into my life being married and gay, and being Catholic and gay etc.

Recently, having experienced sustained periods of unhappiness and in response to my wife’s advice and my own needs, I reluctantly asked for some medication to calm me down when I am agitated.

At first I felt that I had failed in my attempt to move on in my life, but I have not failed, in fact I am continuing my journey of being open to all opportunities to find calm.

My wife said to me last weekend “have you remembered to take your “Chill Pill”?” As it happened I had. In that moment I sensed her satisfaction at the choice I had made to accommodate her needs as well as my own and it felt good.

She actually paid me a compliment about how nice I looked in my suit as I prepared to go to work yesterday – it was a most unexpected comment so I said to her “have you had one of my “Chill Pills”?” (Smile!)

My next blog will be: Family Networking

William Defoe