My first introduction to classical music was when at the age of 9 years old, the school class was asked to sit and listen to Sergei Prokofiev’s children’s classic, Peter and the Wolf – I was mesmerized by it and later acquired a recording of it on a vinyl  disc.

Earlier this week I played Peter and the Wolf in my car as I drove home from work  – (not on vinyl, but CD!), and this beautiful children’s piece of music, called again for my inner attention to its beauty.

The piece, introduces children to the instruments of an orchestra, which represent a young Russian boy Peter as the strings; his cat as the clarinet; his friend the bird as the flute; his grandfather as the bassoon; the duck as the oboe; the wolf as the three horns; and the huntsmen as the kettledrums.

This segmentation of the characters of the story, as separate and distinct instruments, which are introduced by the narrator individually, and later blended in with the other characters, spoke to my inner voice of my own journey of development to know and love self.

When we make a decision to confront ourselves in the fullness of our truth and identity, it is necessary to unravel each strand of the issues which have crowded in our lives so that they can be seen and heard and recognised individually and then gradually fitted back into their place within our lives with a fuller understanding of their truth, their purpose, their pain, their love, their hopes and their fears for each of us.

Peter and the Wolf is a beautiful piece of music, iconic and wonderful and if we take the time to apply its teaching to the complexities of our lives, we will begin to see, that we too, are iconic and wonderful  human beings.

……….  and that includes me, and it also includes you!

My next blog will be: Authentic Conversation

William Defoe

Peter and the Wolf (Russian: Петя и волк, Petya i volk), Op. 67, is a composition written by Sergei Prokofiev in 1936 in the USSR. It is achildren’s story (with both music and text by Prokofiev), spoken by a narrator accompanied by the orchestra

To be grounded is to occupy the physical space which is the here and now.

It is to give recognition to the circumstances as they are now, at this moment, whether or not they are the circumstances that we want them to be.

Being grounded is the place from which our feet can move to take us on our onward journey onto future ground.

These words,  occupied my thoughts for significant moments of the quiet, reflective time which I had the opportunity to enjoy on my recent holiday.

They have continued to work within me, because for many years, before I started being coached, I can now see that I was utterly groundless for long periods of my life.

I was totally consumed by my fears, both real and imagined, about what would happen if I was to admit the truth about my sexuality to my wife, or worse if she was somehow to find out about it from a stray word or action or even talking in my sleep.

I was forever fearful of being found out, not realising that unless I actually confirmed my truth, any such assertion was no more than conjecture or opinion.

I found solid ground after entering an Integral Coaching programme, which enabled me for the first time, to take stock of the ground on which I stood.

It was a difficult place to stand, four years ago, but even in the enormity of the feelings I had, which threatened to overwhelm me, I was for the first time, fully conscious, fully awake, fully aware of the ground on which I stood.

The beauty of finding solid ground, is that unless your feet refuse to take a step forward or even backward, you are at the start of a journey.

The difficulty is to know which step to take, in which direction to go, and I have been able to move forward by learning to get to know myself for the first time – I am a very nice man!.

I have covered so much ground by learning to be still, learning to think carefully, forming a network of support, researching and relaxing; running and sitting; laughing and crying; guarding and sharing; choosing and waiting.

Sometimes I can feel the anxiety arise from within me and I become reactive and uncertain, and I know that my feet have momentarily lost contact with the ground.

Its a terrible feeling, but imagine living everyday in that state of being – I can tell you it is intolerable, unsustainable and crushing.

In my experience, being grounded, is the key to living, even if bits of that living are sad, disappointing or anxious, it’s good to know where I am at in the present moment, because I can begin to plan my next move.

My wonderful coach says to me sometimes, “You sound so grounded, William” – I think she says this when I have been able to recognise the here and now, not just from my own viewpoint of a specific issue, but from the viewpoint of others.

Being grounded is not about deferring to the others point of view, it is about taking your own step forward having given consideration to as many influences as has been possible.

My next blog will be: Peter and the Wolf

William Defoe

This post has been inspired by the writing of David Whyte, in his beautiful book “Consolations” (The Solace, Nourishment and Underlying Meaning of Everyday Words). 

I have noticed recently how popular it is for men to wear bracelets and bangles and ties and braids on their wrists and forearms.

When I was about 15 years old I bought myself a bracelet, most likely on a trip to the seaside.

It was a silver plated chain with a plate on which I had my name engraved and I wore it loose at the bottom of my wrist with the name-plate resting on my hand.

I was too scared to wear it at school, I would have stood out and brought upon myself unwanted attention of the bullying kind, but I wore it at home knowing that my father thought it was the sign of a “sissy” to wear it.

I think that bracelet was my own little rebellion, my own attempt to communicate to the world feelings which, at that time, I did not understand.

I suspect that my mother told my father to remain silent on the issue and that it was a phase which I would grow out of.

A year or two later, I met a girl and I stopped wearing my bracelet, not because I wanted to suppress my own truth, but because I suppose I had no need to act rebelliously as I moved into manhood.

My slow awakening to the fullness of my sexual identity has its origins in the period in which I wore that bracelet.

I recognise that I was trying to communicate something – not because the wearing of a bracelet makes you gay, of course it doesn’t, but because of the emotional intent which I felt in wearing it.

I was trying to communicate a truth which would take me over fifteen years to understand and thirty years to put into words to those whom I love.

It is my deep-held hope that my blog will reach one person in the world who like me has suppressed their truth for too long, in the hope that they will be inspired to find the courage to choose freedom over fear, to choose community over isolation, to choose a life lived in the present.

My next blog will be: Being Grounded

William Defoe

I have noticed that I have an increasing need for periods of silence in my life.

I was surprised, therefore, by the feeling of euphoria which I experienced whilst taking a late night ride on a Land Train whilst on holiday in Portugal..

The decision we made, to join the fun Land Train, was on impulse, and as it set off around the streets of the beautiful coastal town, the passengers started to wave at all the passersby as went along.

Whenever someone on the street waved back, a great cheer went up from the Land Train which caused the passengers and the pedestrians to laugh.

In the narrow streets, the excitement increased, as people waved back at us from pavement restaurants and bars, and  from kitchens and houses.

It is hard to explain just how this feeling of connection with my fellow passengers, (all strangers), and with the people who connected with us from the street, made me feel.

I felt as if I had taken a potion which made me feel uncontrollably happy.

I felt alive and connected with those I was sharing this surreal experience.

I felt emotional, relieved to be capable of feeling as happy as this for a reason I could not explain.

I think my euphoria, has something to do with having survived the struggle to accept me, all of me.

I think my euphoria, has something to do with being able to live in the moment and experience its wonders with a raw intensity which is no longer constrained by old feelings of not being able to cope.

I think my euphoria, has something to do with living my life in the present and recognising that although I like to be silent, I also like to connect to life in all its fullness, and this is the feeling that I have taken away from my ride on a Land Train.

My next blog will be: Bracelet

William Defoe

My hunger for self knowledge and understanding is ever deepening.

My coach describes this momentum to self hood, as being a great act of curiosity which is revealed through an awakening of self to being still; noticing; thinking;  and reflecting whilst finding within, a deep compassion for what is, here and now.

As I applied sun cream to my body whilst on holiday last month in Portugal, I had time to take notice of my body, in what seemed to be slow motion as I applied the oil to my skin.

After a few days, I had developed an almost methodical routine to the application of the oil to what I noticed was my body consisting of “two halves”

Starting at my feet, left and right, and moving left and right, slowly and methodically to my two ankles, my shins and calves and my  knees and thighs, aware of the testes and buttocks (which were not in need of sunscreen!), up through the front and back of my body, to my chest and torso and shoulders, to my arms and hands and on to my neck and throat, and my face of two halves.

I was intensely drawn to this concept of “two halves”, fascinated, almost play-like with the duplicity of the body as I looked at it with an inquiring intensity – almost questioning its meaning in my life.

As I reclined on the sunbed, in the glorious Portuguese sunshine, I joined my hands together above my head and joined the soles of my feet together to make my two halves into one continuous circle – or you could say to make me whole, to make me joined up, to make me all-encompassing.

If left and right can co-exist in my body, then so can right and wrong, love and hate, tears and laughter, noise and silence, anger and peace, secular and spiritual,  straight and gay- you get the picture!.

Joining it all together, bringing the two halves of everything together is my journey to make me whole in the present.

In recognising and appreciating the two halves of everything, and developing my understanding to join them together so that I can co-exist with my conflicting thoughts and emotions and values, I become whole.

My next blog will be: Land Train

William Defoe

In his book, Let Your Life Speak by Parker J Palmer, which I re-read on holiday, the author talks about finding God within, under the surface of things when he was undergoing a deep episode of depression.

Increasingly, I am becoming aware of the God within me and in reading Mr Palmer’s explanation of his suffering, and the journey he undertook to find his soul, I was comforted to be able to relate my experiences to his.

My troubles have been centred on an adult life, lived in a state of anxiety and fear, holding deeply expressed religious beliefs which exacerbated this feeling of isolation and judgement on the feelings I held to myself in respect of an intense attraction to my own sex.

In recent years, I have been on my own journey of self discovery, not to overcome the despair of depression, but to overcome feelings of anxiety and worthlessness which made my life seem too hard to live.

I was fearful as I started to unravel my feelings, that in accepting my truth and nurturing my soul in the light of kindness and compassion, that somehow I would be torn away from the Catholic faith which I hold so dear.

What I think has happened, is that I have learned to recognise that I am made in the image and likeness of God, and that it is impossible for a loving God to not love all of me.

Increasingly, in my quiet moments, I sense the God within me, rather that in the heavens in some distant place, and I recognise Him in all living things on earth.

This integrated understanding of my humanity as a physical and spiritual being, connects me to the community with whom I outwardly express my faith, for Christians this is described as being a member of The Body of Christ, but also with those communities of different faiths and those of none.

I believe that it is the God within, who waits patiently underneath our cares and concerns of this life, for us to draw from the inner fountain of our soul  – when we connect with self, we connect with soul, and for me, and perhaps with you, it is also a connection with our creator.

My next blog will be : Two Halves

William Defoe

In truth, I carry a sense of grief that the precious gift of being given the opportunity to bring up my children has now passed as they move on into adulthood.

Of course, I am aware that new opportunities for sharing my life and sharing in their lives are present and will develop and change in the years ahead.

As I now often travel with my wife, without children, and carry a sense of loss, I do very much enjoy watching parents manage their children as they pass by.

Last week, in the airport queue for customs, a little boy aged about two was having a mega-tantrum and giving his parents a hard time of it.

His young father, was getting slightly exasperated with the situation (reminder of self in that situation!) and appealed to his son to stand up and stop being silly.

The child was having none of it and shouted out “I don’t love you Daddy” several times, at the top of his voice.

All those whom I noticed in the winding queue were smiling and laughing at this point, even the child’s mother was laughing (good for her, I say!) because, as parents, we have all been there, and it isn’t easy.

A few moments later the little boy had been picked up by his father, was cuddling the man tightly around his neck and all was calm.

And so why was this episode so special to me?

As I have moved forward in the development of my identity, by accepting and loving what I have previously rejected, I have had to learn not to react in the moment.

The little boy shouted in the heat of his anguish “I don’t love you Daddy” when it was clearly apparent that he most certainly did.

Most of us can empathize with the rawness of a child speaking out his emotions in the moment, but in my case, this continued for many years into adulthood, and this is a source of regret but now also a source of hope as this behaviour improves.

I have had to learn to cope with the discomfort in the moment, and contain within me the urge to scream out my feelings, which may feel real in the moment, but very rarely do after the anger has passed.

It is such a rewarding feeling to manage to stay calm, however much provoked and hurt, so that as soon as the situation improves, the realization that none of the bad stuff came out, is like a tight hug to self around the neck, you could say, it is like a child hugging you after a tantrum!

Oh so good!

My next blog will be: Finding God Within

William Defoe

In his lovely book “Consolations” (The Solace and Nourishment and Meaning of Everyday Words), David Whyte explains, with powerful insight, various words which have the power to nurture a soul in conflict.

Whilst on holiday, I studied four of these words and gave myself time to ponder on their meanings to me in my life in the present moment, and in this post I will talk about the effect of the word “Disappointment” on my thinking.

He talks about disappointment being a gateway to transformation, because it is at the point at which we recognise and turn into disappointment, rather than avoid or face away from it, that our capacity to re-appraise our life and move forward in it can occur.

I was drawn tho this word because I have sensed within my life a profound disappointment in respect of my failure to recognise and accept my sexuality.

I can see that I had lived a large part of my life facing away from the truth, and in doing so, I restricted my capacity to learn from these feelings what would improve my chances of a happier life in the future.

As a result of having confronted this issue honestly within self and communicated its reality to my wife, my life has experienced a sense of hope and ease which had previously been unimaginable.

In respect of disappointment which I feel in my life today in respect of my own perception that I failed as a parent, due in part to my inner conflict, I constantly have this feeling that I want to go back to before the problems started and handle everything differently, in a more open, generous, forgiving, approachable and calmer manner.

Of course, I can not do this, but what I was able to contemplate whilst on holiday, are the changes I have subsequently made, in respect of my fuller acceptance of self and also the outward changes I have made to present my inner work to my adult children in a more compassionate, understanding and non controlling manner.

In the rawness of all this disappointment, I can sense within me a huge mass of judgement telling me that I have been a failure, but to leave it there in my thinking would be to fail to recognise the transforming work that I have done in these last few months.

It is a work in progress and a work of progress.

I had a rare moment over lunch, whilst on holiday, to talk to my wife about this word “disappointment” and how it has been affecting me.

David Whyte’s words on “disappointment” helped me to explain, and then discuss with her, these raw feelings which still have the  ability to cause me pain and regret.

In listening and discussing and being re-assured that things were changing I was able to reach to another source, that my inner work is having an outward transforming effect on those whom I love.

My next blog will be: “I Don’t Love You Daddy”

William Defoe

I don’t think there is a name for children who have not had grandparents from birth, but I am one of those children and I have called myself for the purposes of this post, a Grandchild Orphan.

I am a man in my fifties, married with three children,and they have been blessed with grandparents from their maternal and paternal side throughout their lives.

I am curious about the sense of identity which grandparents bring to a child’s life.

Assuming that they are loving and guiding, I have seen how grandparents bring a stabilizing and supportive dimension to the relationship between children and their parents and can be the means of mediation and reconciliation between them.

I have seen how my own children have had somewhere to go when they have felt frustrated by a decision taken for them by me or my wife when they were growing up, and even now as young adults they have somewhere to go to sound out their frustrations with a whole range of issues.

I think that the biggest loss that I had from not having grandparents was that my own parents did not have someone stood behind then offering their love and support and handling the complexities and demands of bringing up children.

I appreciate my own parents for the amazing love and support which they gave to me in the absence of having their own parents to turn to for support.

When I met the girl who was to become my wife, when she was 16 years old and I was 17 years old, she had a grandma.

Her grandma was a real character with whom I formed a close bond. She said to me, what will you call me William?

I said, I will call you Grandma and so ended my life as a Grandchild Orphan

My next blog will be: Disappointment

William Defoe

……and as the lyrics go “Don’t know when I’ll be back again”    (John Denver)

In fact I do, I am back from holiday in just over a week’s time.

I have found myself thinking in recent days about what I want to do when I return from my holiday.

This, for me, is an interesting change in my thought processes, because I have usually invested a lot of energy before a holiday planning what I am going to do when I am away rather than thinking about when it is over.

This time, I intend to spend quality time with my wife in silence and in conversation at the side of the pool or on the beach and in restaurants and bars.

I will read, reflect, pray, run, swim and paint during this short break.

This holiday time, I see as a precursor to a return to my life into what are the autumn months here in the UK and I want to come back feeling refreshed, relaxed and ready to face the challenges that life throws at me and at us all.

There was a time, and I still occasionally feel it, when all I wanted to do was leave on a jet plane and NOT come back again.

A feeling that I was unable to cope with the normal demands of my life in the family and at work and in desperate need to get away from it all and never come back.

Frightening thoughts!

It is positive, for me, in my development through Integral Coaching, that I can use a holiday wisely to plan for my return without having to live, as I used to do, with a feeling of dread and disappointment.

It is not that all aspects of my life have suddenly got better.

My life still has challenges in it for me to overcome and there are difficult days, but on the whole, it is my attitude to life that has changed.

I have found time to be with self, to love and accept self, to keep going by engaging in continual and deepening practices to keep my heart safe.

Adeus Amigos!

My next blog will be: Grandchild Orphan

William Defoe