The Socialisation of my Sexuality

I evolved into the truth of my gay sexuality only after I was married with three young children.

I chose to suppress my feelings for my own sex, to honour the commitments I had made to my wife, and to fulfill my responsibilities as a father to my children.

After twenty-five years of marriage, many of which I had lived under the shadow of my truth, I emerged into the light by informing my wife that I was gay.

In recent years, since I made that announcement to her, we have both made heroic attempts to remain faithful and committed to our marriage and to our joint values as parents and as a couple with responsibilities to fulfill to our family and our friends.

I have been through the most wonderful and transforming coaching process,  and through this development of self, I have grown my capacity to know and love self and to accept my sexuality as an integral and welcomed and special part of what makes me the loving and caring and compassionate person that I am.

My sexuality remains hidden from a large number of my acquaintance and this has continued to serve a sense of isolation within me.

Late last year, I was introduced to a beautiful gay married couple and I was able, for the first time to experience the wonder of being seen as a gay man in the community from which my lifestyle choice has prevented me from  joining.

I have spent the time since meeting them, pondering on ways in which I can bring my sexuality to a social environment without compromising the commitments I have made to my wife.

My wife has been scared by her experience of the loss of control which I percieved she held over me over my secret truth, but the truth is that I am no longer scared and I absolutely refuse to be controlled in this matter from outside pressure to conform.

The only pressure I will tolerate is the pressure I exert from within, the only control I will tolerate is the control I exercise over my experiences which keep me faithful to my marriage vow.

The issues in my marriage have felt like a crisis as I have pushed forward with the socialization of my sexuality in space which I have created for myself.

In an effort to end my isolation, I have felt a further isolation in often not feeling accepted by those with whom I aspire to belong.

Perhaps this is because in my choice to remain married to my wife, whom I love with all my heart,  I am by necessity holding back.

This reserve, however, does not negate the essential step I have taken to socialise my sexuality and to be seen in the fullness of my truth.

My next blog will be: Truth and Lies

William Defoe

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