In recent weeks I have been less open with my wife than I have been in the past her.

I have taken back some control over my free time, and I have applied this to the areas of my soul which have been deprived for too long.

At the beginning of my journey to know and love self, which immediately followed my admission to my wife that I was gay, we promised to love each other, remain faithful and be open.

In the intervening years, those ideals have been compromised on both sides by a sense of fear which has its origins in a breakdown of trust.

So easy has it been for both of us, to use against the other, those little nuggets of information which were designed in their original openness and honesty to be bonds, now turned in anger and fear into weapons designed to control and hold in what needed to be liberated and free.

The openness and honesty has now settled into protect and preserve, and an absolute determination on my part to be free of unjustified control and unmitigated fear.

My wife said to me recently that she no longer knows the difference between truth and lies.

I responded to say that there are no lies, only truth – and truth is honest even when it is difficult.

I explained that I am suffering too because I have been hurt and misunderstood.

I have been open in the past about everything, but for the last five years I have perceived in her a desire to control me and to keep me scared at a time when I needed to feel accepted and loved.

“I am no longer scared and I will not be controlled by you, but if you look at me and hold me and you accept me then I think we can make it work”

My next blog will be: Weeping Willow

William Defoe