I am in the unenviable position of being able to let you know that I failed the Advanced Level Economics paper on 5 separate occasions when I was a young man.

I think I understood the concepts of the subject, but I could not translate these into coherent responses to the questions in the exam. These skills took a little longer for me to master.

A few of the terms which I picked up in my unsuccessful study of economics have a certain resonance in my life and the term “opportunity cost” is one of them.

Opportunity cost refers to a benefit that a person could have received, but gave up, to take another course of action.

In recent years, readers of my blog will know, that I have been journeying through Integral Coaching techniques to unravel the intertwined aspects of my life which were causing me to be unhappy, unsatisfied, frustrated and in difficulty in the relationships with members of my family.

At the heart of these difficulties was the truth about my gay sexuality and its apparent incompatibility with being married.

On my journey I have come to know and love self in much deeper and life fulfilling ways, but despite the huge movement forward to a deeper, calmer life, I have been struggling to live a life which does not consummate fully my sexuality.

Throughout it all, I have wanted to maintain my marriage, and although there are ways I am sure, of having my cake and eating it, to betray my marriage vows of thirty years duration seems to me to be totally incompatible with my moral compass and values.

To put it in economic terms, the opportunity cost I have given up to remain in my marriage is the fulfillment fully of my intensely gay sexual feelings.

In recent weeks, finding time anew to think over this inner dilemma, I have found it helpful to think of my choice coming at a cost.

To have made the alternative choice would not have been cost free and would I believe have been at a cost which I am not prepared to pay.

So, despite a full and active and happy sexual life within my marriage, I experience my sexuality in its fullness in my mind through the acceptance and acknowledgement and enjoyment of it without fear or loss.

My next blog will be: Traffic Lights

William Defoe