This week I decided to take a risk.
I entered into a text exchange with a family member with whom I had fallen out.
Things had been said between us, which cannot be unsaid, but the worst of it was my anger which would not be rested in the heat of the moment, leading me say things which I do not mean.
The intervening days have been difficult, mainly because I felt so ashamed and disappointed that all of my efforts to be calm, all my investment in strategies to keep me safe in the face of provocation had evaporated in the stressed moments of my meltdown.
Then there was the regret, and the opening up of the memories when these outbursts have happened before, such a raw disappointment which was hard for me to bear.
Next, there was this feeling of hopelessness for the future of broken aspirations to do better in which my relationships become warm and loving and open to accepting how things are, rather than how I wanted them to be.
So, I sent a text!
An invitation to meet and be together.
It was a risk because I could have opened up the poorly healed wound between us, but I knew in my heart that it was better to face in, than face away.
The initial reply was cool and curt.
My next text, followed up with an expression of my disappointment and sense of failure and how I wanted to listen to the effect my behaviour on them.
What followed over two days was a text exchange in which I had at least conveyed my regret and I had read back words which gave me hope that we could both move on.
The text exchange, took out of the encounter the quickness of the mouth to say unformed words, the quickness of the eye to betray sincerity, the quickness of the face to cry.
The text exchange felt almost clinical and sanitised in its directness, but it was a vehicle for measured and reasoned communication, which created the environment for a meeting and an embrace to take place very soon.
I will journal the text exchange word for word into my journal, so that I can mark out the kindness and the directness from my loved one and ponder over what was said in text.
And also to reflect back on my own sense of yearning to be better, my yearning to be loved, my yearning to love unconditionally, despite my broken soul which I had too conveyed..
My next blog will be: Hold Me