I am quite calm at the moment, which does not mean as I used to think it did, that if I was calm, everything was in order – what it actually means is that I am coping with the complicated realities of my life.

All lives are complicated – it is not that I am special – I am simply a human being with a heritage which claims me, a reality which wounds me, and aspirations which confuse me.

When I am calm, that is able to cope, I can sense what it has been like for me to experience havoc in my life.

Havoc isn’t chaotic, or untidy, it is living a life in which the inner most soul is restless, craving, needing, gnawing, wanting to be loved.

Havoc is a rejection of self, a wounding which hurts so very much that night never really seems to turn to day – and this can be for years.

Havoc is loss, loss of time, loss of opportunity to flourish, loss of being able to fully love others, whilst at the same time having this constant feeling of having fallen short as a human being.

Havoc from the perspective of my present calm, is beautiful to behold, because I have pulled through, it is in the past, it is not able to re-claim me because I have accepted self and now I am in a hurry to love those I cherish more deeply, more openly, more generously, more courageously.

Havoc is a reminder of how far I have come on my journey to  live fully present, and although I don’t want to experience it, I don’t want to lose sight of it either, because havoc ultimately has propelled me to acceptance and truth.

My next blog will be: Flying Ducks

William Defoe

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