Lost Life

In the last few days I have heard with sadness of the deaths of three acquaintances  – all men who have died at the young ages of 20 years, 40 years and 55 years respectively.

Lost Life  – gone too soon, and it was not unreasonable for my expectation of their longevity to have been longer than the time that they had.

Lost Life still, is the time I have spent throughout periods of my own life in which I have failed to connect with living each moment in the full knowledge of the present.

Lost Life when I have denied the needs of my soul – not to be indulgent and reckless, but to accept my truth and to be free of a sense of guilt and loathing for the things I could not change.

Lost Life for the times I sowed discourse and division, because of my complex relationship with self, so that those who wanted to be close to me were pushed away and hurt.

Lost Life in surrounding myself with unhelpful distractions to block out any meaningful attempt to home in on the truth that is me.

In recent years, I have suffered tremendous feelings of guilt over aspects of my parenting which was loving, but also controlling and tense and confrontational.

Then came the calm, the stepping back and the examination of self and the feeling of being crushed and a failure for the mistakes of the past.

Now comes the truth, the outward facing of my development and love for self, so that yesterday I had my first coffee with my adult daughter and we talked  and talked and talked and put Lost Life behind us with the promise of a closer and more open and honest father and daughter relationship.

So, I said to her – “bring me you, hide nothing, I will reject nothing, but lets us bring these things constructively and lovingly and openly”  – in a spirit of being present so that neither of us has to suffer any more Lost Life.

My next blog will be: Havoc

William Defoe

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