Breathless

In the BBC TV dramatization of Jane Austen’s novel “Pride and Prejudice” there is a wonderful scene where Elizabeth Bennet, played by the beautiful Jennifer Ehle, is reading a letter from Mr Darcy, in which each fresh revelation causes her to lose her breath and temporarily set the letter aside whilst she composes herself and her thoughts, for the next installment of the letter.

I have been reading a beautiful little book (a resource for my journey of soul) called “fail, fail again, fail better” by Pema Chodron an American  Buddhist nun.

This gift from my living angel (coach), to support my onward journey to love self more deeply, touched me in a similar way to Mr Darcy’s letter to Miss Eliza Bennet.

I felt breathless and I had to keep setting it aside as I came to terms with the simplicity of the authors message to expect and welcome failure and how to cope with it.

Her words resonated so strongly, because throughout my life I have endured a ruinous sense of having failed as a man, and from this space of deep pain and anguish and hurt, I have lashed out at others with angry outbursts of verbal aggression and addictive attention to unhelpful thinking causing me serious inner turmoil and guilt.

This wonderful book, supports the journey I started three years ago, to change my narrative from failure to love of self, and love and appreciation of those whom are close to me.

I have cultivated an inner discussion, to gain an understanding of my sense of failure, and in that moment of pain, I have worked hard to find some other name for it – hurt, disappointment, frustration or setback.

I have used my curiosity in these difficult moments to develop a deeper care for self, a compassion for self, which through quiet meditation has lead me to peace, calm and acceptance and a profound willingness to listen to my inner voice and take steps to change direction, or accept my truth.

This blog is an outward sign of my new found ability to reach out to others creatively so that my story as a gay and married, Catholic man, may help others to liberate themselves from suffering, and find, like me that:-

to fail is to discover,

to fail is to have tried,

to fail is an opportunity,

to fail is to experience the breathless curiosity for a hopeful future.

My next blog will be: Lost Life

William Defoe

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