My hunger for self knowledge and understanding is ever deepening.

My coach describes this momentum to self hood, as being a great act of curiosity which is revealed through an awakening of self to being still; noticing; thinking;  and reflecting whilst finding within, a deep compassion for what is, here and now.

As I applied sun cream to my body whilst on holiday last month in Portugal, I had time to take notice of my body, in what seemed to be slow motion as I applied the oil to my skin.

After a few days, I had developed an almost methodical routine to the application of the oil to what I noticed was my body consisting of “two halves”

Starting at my feet, left and right, and moving left and right, slowly and methodically to my two ankles, my shins and calves and my  knees and thighs, aware of the testes and buttocks (which were not in need of sunscreen!), up through the front and back of my body, to my chest and torso and shoulders, to my arms and hands and on to my neck and throat, and my face of two halves.

I was intensely drawn to this concept of “two halves”, fascinated, almost play-like with the duplicity of the body as I looked at it with an inquiring intensity – almost questioning its meaning in my life.

As I reclined on the sunbed, in the glorious Portuguese sunshine, I joined my hands together above my head and joined the soles of my feet together to make my two halves into one continuous circle – or you could say to make me whole, to make me joined up, to make me all-encompassing.

If left and right can co-exist in my body, then so can right and wrong, love and hate, tears and laughter, noise and silence, anger and peace, secular and spiritual,  straight and gay- you get the picture!.

Joining it all together, bringing the two halves of everything together is my journey to make me whole in the present.

In recognising and appreciating the two halves of everything, and developing my understanding to join them together so that I can co-exist with my conflicting thoughts and emotions and values, I become whole.

My next blog will be: Land Train

William Defoe

In his book, Let Your Life Speak by Parker J Palmer, which I re-read on holiday, the author talks about finding God within, under the surface of things when he was undergoing a deep episode of depression.

Increasingly, I am becoming aware of the God within me and in reading Mr Palmer’s explanation of his suffering, and the journey he undertook to find his soul, I was comforted to be able to relate my experiences to his.

My troubles have been centred on an adult life, lived in a state of anxiety and fear, holding deeply expressed religious beliefs which exacerbated this feeling of isolation and judgement on the feelings I held to myself in respect of an intense attraction to my own sex.

In recent years, I have been on my own journey of self discovery, not to overcome the despair of depression, but to overcome feelings of anxiety and worthlessness which made my life seem too hard to live.

I was fearful as I started to unravel my feelings, that in accepting my truth and nurturing my soul in the light of kindness and compassion, that somehow I would be torn away from the Catholic faith which I hold so dear.

What I think has happened, is that I have learned to recognise that I am made in the image and likeness of God, and that it is impossible for a loving God to not love all of me.

Increasingly, in my quiet moments, I sense the God within me, rather that in the heavens in some distant place, and I recognise Him in all living things on earth.

This integrated understanding of my humanity as a physical and spiritual being, connects me to the community with whom I outwardly express my faith, for Christians this is described as being a member of The Body of Christ, but also with those communities of different faiths and those of none.

I believe that it is the God within, who waits patiently underneath our cares and concerns of this life, for us to draw from the inner fountain of our soul  – when we connect with self, we connect with soul, and for me, and perhaps with you, it is also a connection with our creator.

My next blog will be : Two Halves

William Defoe

In truth, I carry a sense of grief that the precious gift of being given the opportunity to bring up my children has now passed as they move on into adulthood.

Of course, I am aware that new opportunities for sharing my life and sharing in their lives are present and will develop and change in the years ahead.

As I now often travel with my wife, without children, and carry a sense of loss, I do very much enjoy watching parents manage their children as they pass by.

Last week, in the airport queue for customs, a little boy aged about two was having a mega-tantrum and giving his parents a hard time of it.

His young father, was getting slightly exasperated with the situation (reminder of self in that situation!) and appealed to his son to stand up and stop being silly.

The child was having none of it and shouted out “I don’t love you Daddy” several times, at the top of his voice.

All those whom I noticed in the winding queue were smiling and laughing at this point, even the child’s mother was laughing (good for her, I say!) because, as parents, we have all been there, and it isn’t easy.

A few moments later the little boy had been picked up by his father, was cuddling the man tightly around his neck and all was calm.

And so why was this episode so special to me?

As I have moved forward in the development of my identity, by accepting and loving what I have previously rejected, I have had to learn not to react in the moment.

The little boy shouted in the heat of his anguish “I don’t love you Daddy” when it was clearly apparent that he most certainly did.

Most of us can empathize with the rawness of a child speaking out his emotions in the moment, but in my case, this continued for many years into adulthood, and this is a source of regret but now also a source of hope as this behaviour improves.

I have had to learn to cope with the discomfort in the moment, and contain within me the urge to scream out my feelings, which may feel real in the moment, but very rarely do after the anger has passed.

It is such a rewarding feeling to manage to stay calm, however much provoked and hurt, so that as soon as the situation improves, the realization that none of the bad stuff came out, is like a tight hug to self around the neck, you could say, it is like a child hugging you after a tantrum!

Oh so good!

My next blog will be: Finding God Within

William Defoe

In his lovely book “Consolations” (The Solace and Nourishment and Meaning of Everyday Words), David Whyte explains, with powerful insight, various words which have the power to nurture a soul in conflict.

Whilst on holiday, I studied four of these words and gave myself time to ponder on their meanings to me in my life in the present moment, and in this post I will talk about the effect of the word “Disappointment” on my thinking.

He talks about disappointment being a gateway to transformation, because it is at the point at which we recognise and turn into disappointment, rather than avoid or face away from it, that our capacity to re-appraise our life and move forward in it can occur.

I was drawn tho this word because I have sensed within my life a profound disappointment in respect of my failure to recognise and accept my sexuality.

I can see that I had lived a large part of my life facing away from the truth, and in doing so, I restricted my capacity to learn from these feelings what would improve my chances of a happier life in the future.

As a result of having confronted this issue honestly within self and communicated its reality to my wife, my life has experienced a sense of hope and ease which had previously been unimaginable.

In respect of disappointment which I feel in my life today in respect of my own perception that I failed as a parent, due in part to my inner conflict, I constantly have this feeling that I want to go back to before the problems started and handle everything differently, in a more open, generous, forgiving, approachable and calmer manner.

Of course, I can not do this, but what I was able to contemplate whilst on holiday, are the changes I have subsequently made, in respect of my fuller acceptance of self and also the outward changes I have made to present my inner work to my adult children in a more compassionate, understanding and non controlling manner.

In the rawness of all this disappointment, I can sense within me a huge mass of judgement telling me that I have been a failure, but to leave it there in my thinking would be to fail to recognise the transforming work that I have done in these last few months.

It is a work in progress and a work of progress.

I had a rare moment over lunch, whilst on holiday, to talk to my wife about this word “disappointment” and how it has been affecting me.

David Whyte’s words on “disappointment” helped me to explain, and then discuss with her, these raw feelings which still have the  ability to cause me pain and regret.

In listening and discussing and being re-assured that things were changing I was able to reach to another source, that my inner work is having an outward transforming effect on those whom I love.

My next blog will be: “I Don’t Love You Daddy”

William Defoe

I don’t think there is a name for children who have not had grandparents from birth, but I am one of those children and I have called myself for the purposes of this post, a Grandchild Orphan.

I am a man in my fifties, married with three children,and they have been blessed with grandparents from their maternal and paternal side throughout their lives.

I am curious about the sense of identity which grandparents bring to a child’s life.

Assuming that they are loving and guiding, I have seen how grandparents bring a stabilizing and supportive dimension to the relationship between children and their parents and can be the means of mediation and reconciliation between them.

I have seen how my own children have had somewhere to go when they have felt frustrated by a decision taken for them by me or my wife when they were growing up, and even now as young adults they have somewhere to go to sound out their frustrations with a whole range of issues.

I think that the biggest loss that I had from not having grandparents was that my own parents did not have someone stood behind then offering their love and support and handling the complexities and demands of bringing up children.

I appreciate my own parents for the amazing love and support which they gave to me in the absence of having their own parents to turn to for support.

When I met the girl who was to become my wife, when she was 16 years old and I was 17 years old, she had a grandma.

Her grandma was a real character with whom I formed a close bond. She said to me, what will you call me William?

I said, I will call you Grandma and so ended my life as a Grandchild Orphan

My next blog will be: Disappointment

William Defoe

……and as the lyrics go “Don’t know when I’ll be back again”    (John Denver)

In fact I do, I am back from holiday in just over a week’s time.

I have found myself thinking in recent days about what I want to do when I return from my holiday.

This, for me, is an interesting change in my thought processes, because I have usually invested a lot of energy before a holiday planning what I am going to do when I am away rather than thinking about when it is over.

This time, I intend to spend quality time with my wife in silence and in conversation at the side of the pool or on the beach and in restaurants and bars.

I will read, reflect, pray, run, swim and paint during this short break.

This holiday time, I see as a precursor to a return to my life into what are the autumn months here in the UK and I want to come back feeling refreshed, relaxed and ready to face the challenges that life throws at me and at us all.

There was a time, and I still occasionally feel it, when all I wanted to do was leave on a jet plane and NOT come back again.

A feeling that I was unable to cope with the normal demands of my life in the family and at work and in desperate need to get away from it all and never come back.

Frightening thoughts!

It is positive, for me, in my development through Integral Coaching, that I can use a holiday wisely to plan for my return without having to live, as I used to do, with a feeling of dread and disappointment.

It is not that all aspects of my life have suddenly got better.

My life still has challenges in it for me to overcome and there are difficult days, but on the whole, it is my attitude to life that has changed.

I have found time to be with self, to love and accept self, to keep going by engaging in continual and deepening practices to keep my heart safe.

Adeus Amigos!

My next blog will be: Grandchild Orphan

William Defoe

On Friday evening, as I walked home alone late into the evening from a visit to a pub with friends, I inadvertently stood on a snail.

The first I was aware of its presence on the path was when I heard the nauseating crunch as the tiny shell disintegrated under the weight of my foot.

As I continued my walk home, I felt a tad saddened that I had been responsible for crushing the snail. If I had seen it on the path in front of me I would have circumvented it, to allow it to continue on its own precarious life journey.

It is not that I have not cleared snails and slugs and other gastropods from my flower beds in the garden during the year, but this crushed snail was doing no harm to me or my plants.

As I walked along I thought about how so often in my life there has been collateral damage to my actions which had not been intended or foreseen.

This impact of mood swings and anger and controlling behaviour which has perpetuated my life until recently, caused that same nauseous feeling as the I experienced in the crushed snail.

I didn’t mean to hurt the snail, but nevertheless I did- most likely it was life ending for it.

I have tried in recent years to find control from within to steer a course, so that unintended collateral damage to my loved ones can be avoided.

As I sense the shift in mood in response to a provocation, I notice it and I gain a few precious moments to think, to take evasive action by :

staying silent

or by making my point calmly

or by allowing the other party to speak

or by supporting choices that others make

or by keeping my opinions to self

or by making a note to self to prepare for a more opportune and measured response at a future date

In these ways, I avoid a life of crushed snails and provide a safe and welcoming environment (away from my flowerbeds) for them to thrive.

My next blog will be: I’m Leaving on a Jet Plane

William Defoe

Occasionally I experience feelings of intense disappointment.

It is a feeling within me of hopelessness and lost aspiration and future hopes seem futile to hold.

These feelings have arisen within me in respect of the choices which my adult children have made.

When I feel hurt and disappointed, I have been able, in recent times, to recognise the shift which I have undergone, because, it is, as if, this feeling is coming from somewhere else, rather than from the centre of things.

In recognising this shift, I am reminded that my feelings in the present moment are a call from the past, of an old narrative in which I exercised power and control over their lives, albeit with love.

I think I just love them too much, and I have such a strong opinion on their worth to me in the world, that anything I perceive to be short of that ideal in their lives, provokes within me a sense of helplessness.

In ceding control to them over their life choices, I have handed over power and control and authority to them, and in recognising that shift I am able to feel into a strong sense of satisfaction, because the truth which has not shifted, is my love for them.

My next blog will be: Vanity

William Defoe

In the preface to his truly amazing book, Pillars of the Earth, Ken Follett talks about the problem of characterising a celibate monk, Prior Philip within the novel.

He says, “the obvious drama would be that of a man fighting a terrible battle with lusts, but I could not work up any enthusiasm for that theme. I grew up in the 1960’s and my heart is always with those who deal with temptation by giving in to it. In the end I made him one of that minority of people for whom sex really is no big deal”

My first observation to this quote is how I, to some extent, have fought a terrible battle with lusts for most of my adult life through my intense attraction to my own sex, and I am a person for whom sex really is a big deal.

This concept of giving in to temptation as a method of addressing the needs of the heart, came as a surprise to me.

Perhaps the statement made is addressed to those who are free to give in to temptation, perhaps not, but for me to have done so would have risked the happiness of another, my wife, who married me in good faith nearly thirty years ago.

In the four years since I told my wife the truth about the feelings I have for my own sex, whilst still feeling an intense love for her, I have been able to explore what giving in to temptation might mean in the context of my life.

It means that I should no longer feel a sense of guilt for the thoughts I have, they are my own.

I should no longer suppress within me or reject the truth of my feelings but embrace them, love them, accept them as something which gives my life added special significance rather than for them to be a source of deep shame.

These recent years have been liberating for me as my mind’s capacity has grown to accommodate my marriage, my sexuality and my faith.

They have also been challenging because my years of struggle in isolation and fear over these issues have left a legacy of hurt which has been hard to overcome.

Dealing with the reality of my truth and expecting my wife to cope with it has been a challenge for her too, because I cannot unsay to her my truth.

I must assure her that her love for me is the overriding sustenance which I need in my life and that to give in to temptation in a literal sense to my sexuality, would not be in the best interests of my heart.

My next blog will be: Recognising Shift

William Defoe