These are the key messages that I wrote on the pre-meet questionnaire which I sent to my Coach in December 2012, about a month after I had revealed to me wife that I had been tormented by a same sex attraction for many years of our 25 years of marriage.

I described myself as unhappy and unable to cope with relationships which are important to me – my close family, particularly, and that I worried constantly that my inner struggle and outward anger and awkwardness had caused irreparable damage.

I also related to her that my friends would see me as wonderful, funny, good company, loyal and dependent and that they would be horrified to know how much I suffer with the torment of being attracted to my own sex and how I make things difficult at home with my mood swings.

The form asked me to explain the commitments that I was in the middle of right now, and in response I wrote that I had recently had to confront an issue that has caused me deep concern and anxiety over a number of years – that I am attracted to my own sex. I also wrote that I was not expecting her to resolve this issue but I wanted her to be aware of it. I highlighted the sentence saying I did not want her help in resolving the issues of same sex attraction on the document as if to make it appear out of bounds  – the intent being that she would concentrate on my work related issues – oh how naive I was back then!

Other concerns I related on the form as follows:-

• I am worried I am perceived as “gay” at work
• I don’t believe the good feedback that I get at work – I constantly challenge it for evidence of error
• I am full of self-doubt about my abilities  – I tend to focus on the grey areas of knowledge and put myself down
• I talk about myself (within the family) as being “unwell” and they are sick of hearing me say it
• I feel guilty for having recently step down from voluntary service to the community
• I feel stressed about the level of support my daughter needs from me in respect of her A levels
• My relationship with another daughter is difficult and has been for sometime
• My older daughter appears to be indifferent to me
• I am concerned about my feelings towards my aging parents – I feel hurt by their neglect of my anxiety
• I feel anger towards my siblings

I related the following positive steps I had taken recently

• I have arranged to go on a silent retreat in February
• My wife and brother are aware of my sexuality and have offered me their support
• I keep a diary of my moods 
• I have 15 minutes each morning in silence as I recite the rosary

I was asked about what my hopes for the future were – I said the following:-

• I want to stop worrying about my sexuality and be happy with my wife as I was at the start of our marriage
• I want to feel happy and secure in my family’s love – I need to change for this to happen
• I want to grow in confidence at work
• I want to invest time in my interests and discover new interests that relax me
• I want to laugh
• I want to stop being scared
• I want to stop reacting to everything
• I want to stop spoiling all the happy family events because of being unable to cope with expectations I place on myself

I sent off my pre-meet material and I felt extremely fearful that once again in the space of a few weeks I was declaring myself in the world with openness and honesty. I was scared because I had no idea at that time that my coach would tackle head on with me the issues and aspirations that I had raised with her and begin with me my journey to self acceptance and calm.

My next blog – Self Acceptance

William Defoe