I met my coach for the first time face to face when I traveled 200 miles to see her in January 2013.

I was emotionally exhausted, and so desperate for solutions to my inner conflict and feelings of isolation, but I could not have imagined on the cold January day what an impact my coach would have upon my capacity to embrace within me the seemingly irreconcilable aspects of my life – my faith and desire to remain married and my homosexuality and constant state of anxiety over it.

After greeting me warmly and welcoming me into her home, we sat down to talk about the pre-meet questionnaire which I had sent to her before Christmas. I was cringing at the thought of her reading out the sentence which I had highlighted in red which stated that I had recently revealed to my wife and brother that I had a same sex attraction that had caused within me such inner conflict and isolation and was such a source of great unhappiness in my life.

When she came to that particularly sentence she sensed my anxiety and very gently asked me to explain to her the effect that the same sex attraction had brought to me life.

I related to her the anguish I felt about having these same sex feelings and which I had kept then hidden for many years from everybody so as to preserve my marriage and enable me to fulfill my obligations as a husband and parent.

• I had not understood my sexuality at the time of my marriage but over the years I had come to realise that my anger, lack of confidence and constant anxiety had at their core this constant awareness within myself that I was gay.
• I was forever praying that these feelings would be taken from me – I related to her how when reciting the sorrowful mysteries of the rosary I would refer to my sexuality as “my cross” – it is I think a term for relating to Christ’s suffering on the cross and I believe to a certain extent that all of us have a cross to carry for periods of time in our lives – but I thought that my cross was cruel.
• I talked about my sense of isolation and fear – I would pick up whenever anyone passed a comment on my mannerisms (which seemed to happen all the time) and how I would suffer for days afterwards that friends and colleagues somehow knew I was gay.
• I explained that I am not homophobic – I have a gay friend (who does not know the truth about my sexuality) – I am not against gay people – I just don’t want to be gay myself because it is in conflict with the path I have chosen in life – i.e. being married / faith values.

Whilst relating these issues to my coach all the pain and anguish came to the surface and I was for a few moments crying that sort of cry where it looks like you are laughing but there is no sound just uncontrollable emotion. It had the effect of unknotting some deep “locked in” emotion after which I had a sensation of calm.

My coach said to me “William – you must accept it” – “You must learn to embrace this aspect of who you are and accept the choices that you make as a result of coming to terms with this issue”. This is I think the only time that my coach has said “you must do something” but I looked at her and saw in her face her deep concern and care for me and I knew in that moment that she was right – my journey with her must be for me to find acceptance for my sexuality so that I could be with it in the world without it devastating my hopes for future happiness.

It had not been my intention for my coach to take on this aspect of my many problems – but we both recognised that this was at the heart of the problem and to sort out my head on this issue would lead to secondary beneficial effects on my family and work related concerns. I asked her if she could help me with this and she said she could.

We discussed the origins of my same sex attraction – i.e. when I became aware of it  – I said I was aware of it 20 years ago (5 years after I was married) but that it has caused me real anguish for the last seven years where I have constantly rehearsed telling my wife, but I feared too much losing her – it seemed to me that to tell my wife was to lose my marriage – when I did tell my wife, I had in fact come to the conclusion that the marriage would end.

We discussed my decision to get married – I was besotted with my then girlfriend – we had been seeing each other for six years from the respective ages of 17 years old and 16 years old and that I loved her deeply, and I was, and still am, attracted to her sexually – however I am not attracted to other women – I do not think I am bi-sexual – I am gay.

Making these statements, and then exploring them later in greater depth, was the beginning of my journey of self acceptance. My future posts will primarily focus on the strategies which I have engaged with over the last two years, many of which I will need to be mindful of for the rest of my life. These strategies have brought me to a place of self acceptance and they support me, each day, to manage the inner conflict which had previously blighted my own happiness and the lives of my wife and family who love me.

My next blog will be: Blame and Resentment

William Defoe

These are the key messages that I wrote on the pre-meet questionnaire which I sent to my Coach in December 2012, about a month after I had revealed to me wife that I had been tormented by a same sex attraction for many years of our 25 years of marriage.

I described myself as unhappy and unable to cope with relationships which are important to me – my close family, particularly, and that I worried constantly that my inner struggle and outward anger and awkwardness had caused irreparable damage.

I also related to her that my friends would see me as wonderful, funny, good company, loyal and dependent and that they would be horrified to know how much I suffer with the torment of being attracted to my own sex and how I make things difficult at home with my mood swings.

The form asked me to explain the commitments that I was in the middle of right now, and in response I wrote that I had recently had to confront an issue that has caused me deep concern and anxiety over a number of years – that I am attracted to my own sex. I also wrote that I was not expecting her to resolve this issue but I wanted her to be aware of it. I highlighted the sentence saying I did not want her help in resolving the issues of same sex attraction on the document as if to make it appear out of bounds  – the intent being that she would concentrate on my work related issues – oh how naive I was back then!

Other concerns I related on the form as follows:-

• I am worried I am perceived as “gay” at work
• I don’t believe the good feedback that I get at work – I constantly challenge it for evidence of error
• I am full of self-doubt about my abilities  – I tend to focus on the grey areas of knowledge and put myself down
• I talk about myself (within the family) as being “unwell” and they are sick of hearing me say it
• I feel guilty for having recently step down from voluntary service to the community
• I feel stressed about the level of support my daughter needs from me in respect of her A levels
• My relationship with another daughter is difficult and has been for sometime
• My older daughter appears to be indifferent to me
• I am concerned about my feelings towards my aging parents – I feel hurt by their neglect of my anxiety
• I feel anger towards my siblings

I related the following positive steps I had taken recently

• I have arranged to go on a silent retreat in February
• My wife and brother are aware of my sexuality and have offered me their support
• I keep a diary of my moods 
• I have 15 minutes each morning in silence as I recite the rosary

I was asked about what my hopes for the future were – I said the following:-

• I want to stop worrying about my sexuality and be happy with my wife as I was at the start of our marriage
• I want to feel happy and secure in my family’s love – I need to change for this to happen
• I want to grow in confidence at work
• I want to invest time in my interests and discover new interests that relax me
• I want to laugh
• I want to stop being scared
• I want to stop reacting to everything
• I want to stop spoiling all the happy family events because of being unable to cope with expectations I place on myself

I sent off my pre-meet material and I felt extremely fearful that once again in the space of a few weeks I was declaring myself in the world with openness and honesty. I was scared because I had no idea at that time that my coach would tackle head on with me the issues and aspirations that I had raised with her and begin with me my journey to self acceptance and calm.

My next blog – Self Acceptance

William Defoe

In the days leading up to the conversation with my wife in which I revealed my secret same sex attraction torment to her, I contacted on-line a professional coach with whom I had intense professional development seven years earlier.

The purpose of the contact with this coach was to seek her help in relation to difficulties I was experiencing at work, particularly with regard to a strong individual in the team. I felt that she would understand the background to my lack of confidence which stemmed primarily from being managed out of a job I loved at the time of our previous professional contact.

We spoke on the phone and agreed to meet in January 2013 at her home 200 miles away. This conversation took place on the day I traveled to see my brother to reveal my same sex attraction to him and the day before I told my wife of my same sex attraction problem.

By the time I came to fill in the pre-meet questionnaire which my coach had asked me to complete, I was in a different place and I was able to be explicit in my responses to her, about the full nature of my inner conflict and the terrible impact my torment was having on my family, my confidence at work and my mental health.

My future posts will focus on the content of my pre-meet questionnaire and the journey of self-discovery and self acceptance that my coach has guided me through with her amazing skill, generosity, kindness and care of me.

Two years later, I continue to have regular meetings and conversations with her – I adore her – she has become a beacon of light in my life – she has transformed the way I be in the world and she has opened up within me  a conversation which has increased my capacity to experience the highs and lows of my life in relative peace.

My next blog will be – Preparing for Coaching

William Defoe

My post today is going back to look at the inner conflict I suffered leading up to that day as a result, in part, of not being able to accept my homosexuality in the context of my faith, and the various contacts I have had with priests and religious (nuns) in respect of this dilemma.

In Autumn 2010 the relics of St Theresa of Lisieux came to the UK. We (with my wife and daughters) queued in the sunshine in a very long queue to go into our cathedral and pray in front of the ornate casket. I was deeply moved by the experience. (I had in fact been in the presence of the relics in 2007 when, with my family, we visited the basilica of St Theresa of Lisieux whilst on holiday in France).

The following morning I got up early, it was a Sunday, and I drove a few miles to the cathedral and sat in silence for about an hour in front of the relics. The dilemma and internal struggle that I was managing felt unbearable but I felt a very deep calm and hope. As I sat there, I saw people quietly going to a priest for the sacrament of reconciliation (confession) and I felt impelled to go to the priest and confess that I was gay (with hindsight I did not need to do this – but I was stumbling to a respond to how I felt in that moment).

In confession (and by the way I do go regularly and still do), I told the priest I wanted to confess something that I had held to myself for at least 20 years, but try as I might, I could not bring myself to say the words. In the end I said I had an attraction to my own sex and he said something about finding peace and absolved me from my sins.

On driving home, I sensed a breakthrough but I was disappointed with the response from the priest (not angry, disappointed). I suppose I had hoped for the offer of some help perhaps or re-assurance – he certainly did not condemn me or tell me to seek help to cure myself – it was almost like it was a non-event, but I know in my heart that the sacrament of reconciliation is not a non-event.

Later that same year (2010) I attended a one day retreat at a local university in the catholic chaplaincy. It was a day of discussion and prayer for peace. I enjoyed the solitude of it all. In the afternoon I attended confession and this time I could not get the words out to explain my internal conflict but the priest could see I was anguished by something. After absolving me from my sins, he asked if I would arrange to see him, he very much wanted to offer me his help.

A few weeks later I went to see him and I asked him if he would hear my confession – he said that what I was going to say did not require to be said in the context of confession – so I said that I wanted the rules of confession to be observed – so dramatic I should have been on the stage!

I spent an hour in a sitting room with him. He was kindness personified. I told him that I felt ashamed of my same sex attraction but that I had never responded physically to its deep call within me – I said it was like being celibate in some ways – I explained that I felt the need to tell my wife but I was frightened of losing her. His advice was that I was entitled to my own thoughts and in the interests of preserving the marriage I should not feel impelled to reveal this to her.

He also assured me that I was not alone with this problem – there are many men and women who grapple with the problem. I asked him if there was any counselling services available for me to receive further guidance but sadly there was not. I said that at some point in the future I would like to offer my services to the church in supporting other men and women who struggle to reconcile their sexuality with their faith values – he said that might be a possibility but until such time as I was reconciled to it, it would be a risk. 

 After this meeting I did feel less anxious about carrying my secret and comforted by the thought that I did not have to tell my wife – I was entitled to my own thoughts, but these feelings of comfort did not last. 

I had expected to hear from the priest if anyone became available to offer me further advice and support through the diocese but the call did not come and I felt abandoned, particularly when the inner conflict, anger and isolation and fear re-surfaced – I had been asked to pray for peace but it did not come.

In February 2013  – three months after telling my wife about my same sex attraction, we went together for a weekend retreat at a Jesuit house. We spent two days in complete silence except for an hour when we were permitted to speak to each other to check up on each other and our girls. At the start of the retreat we were assigned to a spiritual leader – my wife and I were put in separate groups with a different nun, and we were invited to have a 1: 1 with our religious leader at the start of each day.

On the Saturday morning after eating breakfast in silence I went to see my religious guide. She asked me what was going on in my life at the present time and I told her that I was in the midst of the greatest crisis of my life and I explained why – I am married with a same sex attraction, which my wife is aware of, and I have been asked by my coach (next blog) to accept it.- she thanked me for my openness and honesty. We prayed together and she helped me prepare for a day in silence in which I would reflect on a prayer that I had chosen and a postcard by Sister Wendy Beckett of a gate in the countryside.

The prayer I reflected on was this one:-

“O God, I was in a pit, not aware of anything out of the blackness, not knowing how long I would be imprisoned, not being aware of even the smallest glimmer of light. Waiting…waiting….wondering….questioning….pleading….yet always aware of You, wanting to please You, longing to live as You desired.

O God, I knew you loved me and that I could trust You, even in those darkest hours, but sometimes, I felt deserted and afraid, but You were with me and in Your time, a light appeared, and I felt bathed in Your eternal love.”

At various parts of the day I felt overwhelmed with grief, but also I experienced periods of deep calm and reconciliation, not so much with God, but with myself.

The picture of the gate was “portrait” in style and essentially black in colour – it had a closed gate across the centre of the picture under which ran a babbling stream. Looking through the gate I could see into pasture and woodland on which shone dappled light. The caption at the bottom written by Sr Wendy Beckett said :-

“Silence is the gateway to light”

The following day after breakfast in silence, I went up to see my religious guide. I spoke with her about the outcome in me of yesterdays day of prayer and reflection. I told her that I had at first been upset but this had been followed by calm. The gate that I had first perceived as a block had transformed itself into me, I said. The gate was no longer a barrier that I had to crawl under or climb over but was in fact a gate with a function – a gate with a purpose – I was the gate and I had the power to be opened  and to enter a place of beauty and peace and freedom.

I told her that I wanted to help others who find themselves in the same predicament as me so that if at all possible I can spare them some of the pain that I have experienced in my life.

When I had finished talking, there was about ten minutes left of the session and the nun asked me if I wanted to speak further or be silent – I said I wanted to sit with her in silence – these ten minutes with her were so beautiful – I felt so peaceful with her – so calm – so unjudged.

As I stood up to leave after a closing prayer she stood also – I reached out my hand to shake her hand but she put her arm round me and gave me the warmest of hugs imaginable and I melted and sobbed. She was so wonderful – I can still feel that hug now – once again my perceptions of what people would say once I revealed myself had been completely turned on its head.

Recently Pope Francis said “who am I to judge a gay man who seeks God with sincerity of heart”

I do not need to go to confession for being gay – I go to confession for the hurt I do to others for my bad behavior and for healing and forgiveness. 

My faith is strong – I can be Catholic and gay – I suppose I wish the church organisation would be more forthcoming in offering to support to men (and women) like me so that we do not suffer for being how God made us – I know that all of me reflects the image and likeness of God – all of me!

My next blog will be – A light appeared – my Coach

William Defoe

On waking up on the morning after I had told my wife of my same sex attraction, the fear I experienced was terrible.  I hardly dare move, but I sensed that she was awake at the side of me. At the same time, I felt a sense of relief that I had in fact told her. I was fearful that an issue, which I had tried to suppress and control within my own isolation, was now potentially going to be exposed.

I was worried about my reputation and I sensed I would be ruined if my wife spoke out, and my mind quickly ran to how I would protect myself by “running away” never to be seen again. Writing that sentence now sounds pretty barmy but that is what the fear did to me at a time before I accepted my same sex attraction and subsequently rejected the idea that others would not accept me too.

I did not follow my normal rushed routine to get off to work – I fully intended to go, but I needed time to compose myself – looking back I am surprised I was able to function at all considering the emotional turmoil that I was experiencing – this speaks to me now of a profound strength and resilience that I had not recogised previously.

After breakfast we sat together in the living room – a room I never normally enter on a morning – and we both cried. I told her that I hated myself for the attraction to men and that I wanted to get rid of it (yes, I believed it was possible!) – that I would never act on my same sex feelings because they contradict my religious values and the promises I made to her in our wedding vows that are stronger values within me (I think these are valid aspirations and plausible but they have to be actively chosen everyday from a whole range of choices with all options remaining available if they are to be honoured).

I told her that as a young man I was deeply attracted to her and my memories were of wanting to he a husband and father – I wanted to have children – I told her that I had been a failure as a man.

I explained that a traumatic exit from a job that I had loved doing seven years earlier, had triggered within me a deeper awareness of a same sex attraction, which over the years had got gradually worse, until the torment and isolation that I was experiencing and the inner conflict of trying to resolve two competing lifestyles had become exhausting and unsustainable.

I told her I felt angry towards my family (my parents and siblings) whom I blamed (at that time) for neglecting to address the issues that I had experienced as a young man (boy), At this time I linked my homosexuality to having been caused by being bullied at school.

I cried all the way to work – Abba’s song “Chiquitita” came on the radio which includes the words “you’re enchained by your own sorrows” and as each wave of emotion came over me as I listened to this song I did think that now at last for good or ill the secret is out and I felt hopeful that we could resolve this within the marriage.

In the evening we sat and cuddled, we turned off the television and talked all evening and reassured each other of our love fro each other.

As I went to sleep that night I caught a glimpse of a photograph I have on my bedside of St Theresa of Lisieux on the reverse is the following prayer:-

A MORNING PRAYER WRITTEN BY ST. THERESE

O my God! I offer Thee all my actions of this day for the intentions and for the glory of the Sacred Heart of Jesus. I desire to sanctify every beat of my heart, my every thought, my simplest works, by uniting them to Its infinite merits; and I wish to make reparation for my sins by casting them into the furnace of Its Merciful Love.

O my God! I ask of Thee for myself and for those whom I hold dear, the grace to fulfill perfectly Thy Holy Will, to accept for love of Thee the joys and sorrows of this passing life, so that we may one day be united together in heaven for all Eternity.

Amen.

I mention this because having explained in my first few blogs the background to my inner conflict and my eventual liberation from it – I want to write in my next blog, about my Roman Catholic heritage and my attempts to seek help from the church in the months leading up to November 2012 and St Theresa of Lisieux inspired me, I believe, to tell my wife.

My next blog: Catholic and Gay – Inner Conflict

William Defoe

In my previous blogs I have related how I came to the point after many years that I could no longer live a life of inner turmoil and anger and isolation.

In November 2012 after what I would describe as a “meltdown” – stressed, worried about work, family relationships and voluntary commitments underpinned about my secret same sex attraction, I drove over to see my brother 60 miles away to tell him I needed his help  – I did what I consider to be the bravest action of my whole life by trusting him with my secret.

I related in my previous blog how he was very supportive and calm and confident that my fear and anxiety could be overcome. His advice to me was that I should work towards telling my wife what I had told him and he offered to help me get ready for that conversation.

What neither of us had appreciated was that the very following day my wife would confront me and demand answers – the subject of today’s blog.

I woke up the day after confiding in my brother and I was extremely emotional. I cried as I told my wife that I needed to make changes in my life and I was going to make an immediate start by giving up some of the voluntary services that I carried in in the community in line with what I regarded as my catholic duty to others. I also told her that I needed to let go of some of the issues that had caused family relationship problems particularly around how I expected my daughters to pursue their futures.

I struggled to concentrate when I got to work – I felt emotional and angry – angry with my family (parents and siblings) for not helping me with this problem and how they had allowed it to blight my life  – a feeling that they were aware of my internal conflict but they had chosen to ignore it’s effect on me.

I did not regret having discussed the issue with my brother last night which was a surprise to me because whenever in the past I had built myself up to risk speaking about it I had always imagined that the moment of relief would be overshadowed by bitter regret – regret because I had lost control over an aspect of my character which I was deeply ashamed of because my sexuality did not fit in with what I perceived to be the values on which I had been conditioned to be in the world.

True to my word at a meeting of the voluntary committee on which I served that evening I did notify the chair that it was my intention to step down after many years of service at the end of the year and that a replacement would have to be found. 

Unbelievably, whilst watching ITV I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here that very evening Brian Conley made a jokey remark that despite being a married man he fancied David Haye – I felt very uncomfortable and embarrassed and my wife sensed it but did not say anything.

On getting into bed that evening, my wife confronted me in the dark and told me in not so many words that she wanted to know what my problem was  – she demanded to know what I had gone to speak to my brother about last night. I begged her to give me more time to prepare myself for the conversation but she simply said that was not good enough and she would not wait.

I said I could not tell her in the dark so we got out of bed and went downstairs into the lounge and whilst sitting on opposite ends of the sofa I took a deep breath and told her that I had an attraction to my own sex  – that I did not define myself as gay – that I had never had any sexual relations with anyone else but her ever in my whole life. 

She said calmly “the marriage is a lie.”

I said that the marriage was not a lie and that our sex was heterosexual – that I was attracted to her – I always have been and that as a young woman at the time we got married I was besotted with her and deeply attracted to her and in love with her and I still am.

She simply said, I feel sick, I am going to bed and off she went. I remained where I was totally shocked that the conversation had taken place – convinced I was about to lose her and preparing myself for being asked to leave perhaps as early as tomorrow – to be honest I felt lucky to be still sat where I was. I went to bed.

My next blog will be – Love through tears 

William Defoe

In my last blog I related how in an effort to end my feelings of isolation over my hidden sexuality I had asked to see my younger brother for his help and advice.

As soon as we were seated in the pub with a pint he said “so what is all this about?”

I did the bravest thing I have ever done in my life – I made no answer except to slide over an extract of the introduction of Joseph Nicolosi’s book “Reparative Therapy of Male Homosexuality – A New Clinical Approach” which I had brought with me which said:-

“There are homosexual men who reject the label “gay” along with all the implications that label would bestow upon them. Although “homosexual” may name an undeniable aspect of their psychology, “gay” describes a life-style and values they do not claim. These men experience conflict between their values and their sexual orientation”

he read the passage in silence and when I sensed that he had finished I turned to him and said – this pretty much sums up the dilemma I have experienced in my life for a very long time and I cannot continue to live like this any longer. I was very emotional but because I was in a pub I had to suppress it.

He was calm, not judgmental – he wanted to know if my wife was aware of this issue – when I said she was not, his immediate advice was that I should begin to work towards telling her.

He was confident from the start, that the outcome that I dreaded of losing my marriage, losing my wife and daughters and being humiliated by gossip about the reasons for the break up, were not necessarily the outcome I would get if I told her the truth.

He asked me if I had ever entered into a relationship with a man and I explained that I had not but that I was tormented daily in my attraction to men that could not be suppressed or denied. 

I asked him whether he had ever suspected the truth about my sexuality and he said he had not. I said that I found that hard to believe and that for many years I had not felt comfortable in conversations with the male members of my family whom I felt sure had made comments about me. I explained that this had made it difficult for me to have meaningful friendships with my brothers, my brothers’in-law and my nephews and this had had a damaging impact on my relationships with them.

He said that on one occasion, and only once, our older brother on witnessing me having an emotional outburst at a family event had turned to him and said “When will our William accept that he is gay?”

This comment was to haunt me and although my brother urged me not to seek to blame others I felt from this moment that I had to explore the origins of my homosexuality  – was I born this way? – or had my emotional development lead to my developing in this way? – where has my Dad been through all this?  – can he be blamed? 

My brother assured me that the family were aware of my pain but they had felt powerless to deal with it as I had a tendency to turn on them with my anger so over the years they had backed away from me but they most certainly did not know that my anguish had been caused by a conflict over my sexuality.

He said that he wanted to help me get the support I needed to confront the issue and in time find the courage to tell my wife about it. He asked me as I prepared to drive home if he could discuss this with his wife – I said to him I am 48 years old and I have carried this secret with me for at least 20 years and you want to unburden yourself in less than two hours by sharing it with your wife – I said no he could not tell his wife.

As I drove home I felt an immense sense of relief that I had actually told him – almost euphoric  – but at the same time very vulnerable to the fact that I could not take back this conversation back – I had trusted him and in doing so I had made myself vulnerable to his care. 

My brother features in my story as it will unfold in future blogs – he has suffered for his trouble as he has been on the receiving end of my anger and frustration but I am where I am today because of his acceptance of me and his willingness to help me financially and emotionally over the last two years.

A key lesson for me has to been to learn to challenge my belief in what I think an outcome will be before it has actually happened, and also, to learn to trust in others. When I write blogs in future in respect of my magnificent coach I will explain these observations in greater detail.

My next blog will be  – My wife confronts me

William Defoe

The lead up to the decision to tell my wife of my same sex attraction came after many years of living with the conflict within myself.

I could not reconcile within me the reality of my deepest feelings about what I was in the world with the everyday reality of my life

I will explain in later blog posts the longer history of my feelings and explain how I came to be married and gay, but in this blog today I will explain the circumstances that were apparent in late 2012 which made me feel that I had no choice but to reveal my secret.

I was stressed, anxious, difficult to live with and over stretched with work and family and voluntary commitments that I had entered into for the service of others. I felt a tendency to suicidal thoughts mainly because I could not accept that I could break away from the way I was living my life and embrace a gay lifestyle.

I felt that If I chose to live a gay life I would simply be putting my life into further conflict because I would be substituting one aspect of my character with that of another and I risked losing everything – my wife and my daughters and possibly my friends.

However, in early November 2012 I was away for a long weekend in Cumbria when a combination of fatigue and trying to help my daughter with her A Level homework tipped me over into anger and resentment. I became verbally aggressive to my wife, went off to sulk, refused to drive home and as part of the exchange between us my wife said to me these words:-

“In your anger you come across as a man who is gay”

I feigned even more anger  – how dare she refer to me in those words – like a school bully  – but at the same time I knew that I could not go on in denial for much longer.

I came home and started to think again how I could seek out help. I was nervous of typing anything gay related into a search engine because I was always concerned that my wife would find my interest in the subject in my online history. I decided to risk it, so I did search for “married and gay” and I came across a book by Joseph Nicolosi PhD called:-

“Reparative Therapy of Male Homosexuality – A new Clinical Approach”

In the introduction to this book are the following words:-

“There are homosexual men who reject the label of “gay” along with all of the implications that label would bestow on them. Although “homosexual” may name an undeniable aspect of their psychology, “gay” describes a life-style and values they do not claim. These men experience conflict between their values and sexual orientation”

At the time of reading these words and not having read the book, which I did read and rejected subsequently, I felt that these words helped to explain my internal conflict and dilemma for which I remain grateful. I picked up the phone and asked my younger brother if I could see him about an urgent and private matter on which I needed his help – he offered to see me the following evening at a local pub near his home which is 60 miles away from where I live.

I also sent an e-mail to a coach from whom I had received intense professional development seven years earlier to ask for her services relating to work related concerns that I was experiencing.

My journey to self acceptance had started  – I was emotionally exhausted and could go no further in isolation – I had put in place the two key people who would lead me to confronting my lovely wife with the truth.

My next blog will be – My Brother’s Support

William Defoe

In November 2012, after 25 years of marriage I told my wife that I had been aware for many years that I had an attraction to my own sex – that I was gay.

I did not want to lose her, but I had come to the point in my life where the private feelings that I agonised over could not be hidden from her or contained in isolation within myself any longer.I fully expected that in revealing this to her my marriage would end – so far, it has not!

This blog is about my journey to that momentous day in November 2012 and how in the months that have followed I have learned with my wife’s love and support and with the guidance of a truly amazing coach I have come to accept within me something that I had for years felt was incompatible with who I was meant to be.

I have undergone a huge process of examining my past, my feelings about the future and most enlightening of all learning how to live not just for today, but in the moment.

I want to share the wonderful integrated coaching practices that have accompanied me on my journey, my  highs and lows and my emerging understanding that I will always have to live in moments of light and shadow and that all these feelings have something to contribute to my journey through life and are valid.

I am on a journey – I have not reached the end of it.

It is my hope that in sharing my story I may be able to support any person who rejects within themselves an aspect of their being  – an aspect of what contributes to their wholeness – and which causes conflict within themselves and impacts on all those around them, particularly those people who love us and yet do not know the source of our hidden pain.

I hope that my story will inspire others to free themselves from a mindset which restricts their ability to be calm, to be happy, to be accepting of themselves and to be surprised by the generosity of others.

My next blog will be – Living in conflict with myself

William Defoe