Last week, following my morning run, I suffered a severe episode of heart palpitations and dizziness.
After abandoning my run for the third time in recent weeks, following the same problem, I got changed and went to my desk to start my day of work.
This time, I continued to feel unwell and being brought to the attention of a colleague, I was “removed” and taken by ambulance to hospital where I underwent tests on my heart for a few days.
The problems of my heart, which have hitherto being emotional, have now taken on an aspect of physicality, namely an atrial tachycardia which is an arrhythmia – an irregular heartbeat with a rapid beat.
These problems of my heart can be managed by medication, but the underlying strain under which I live my emotional life are less easily resolved.
Those who have witnessed the events of my life over the last few days have been quick to diagnose for me an over burdened heart deriving from the pressure of work and family responsibilities.
I have not corrected their error, perhaps my workload has played a part, but for me the truth is crystal clear, my heart is torn, my heart is longing for truth, my heart is full and now the time has come for me to find rest.
I am acutely aware that the underlying strain on my heart, is the continued suppression of my identity, and yet to succumb to the demands of my heart, would I fear, create within my life a fissure, from which my heart would be at an even greater risk.
Time, I think for me to learn to manage my intense feelings by directing my energies and passions into something creative or academic whilst finding time each day to be at rest, to be still, to be at peace.