Five Years On

In November 2012, I told my wife, the mother of my children, that I was gay.

It was a watershed moment in my life from which there has been no turning back.

At the moment of telling her of my truth I expected our marriage to end, but her decision to accept me in the full knowledge of my sexuality was at the time euphoric.

Five years on, the euphoria has given way to reality.

I have developed a much stronger sense of self over the last five years so that I no longer, feel ashamed of being gay, I feel the opposite – my acceptance of being gay has been a journey of acceptance, a journey of finding truth; a journey of curiosity; a journey of finding self.

This growing feeling of acceptance has been a source of conflict in the marriage because although I accept that I must be faithful to my vows, I have developed a strong need to connect fully with my identify.

I have been able to do this by reading widely, finding self in quiet moments and physical activity (running) and in talking therapy.

My ability to be attracted to those of my own sex is no longer accompanied with a sense of guilt; a sense of dread; a sense of shame as it used to be.

This openness to my reality, is not an easy reality for my wife to bear.

It has had the potential to destabilize our relationship and in the presence of anger and the absence of dialogue, real tensions have at different times emerged between us.

I will not couch my reality to her in anything but the truth of how I am affected by it.

To do anything other than this would be to subjugate me to a denial of self; a perversion of my truth which my wife must either accept or choose not to accept and determine for herself a future which is different to the one we hoped to have 30 years ago and renewed between us 5 years ago.

I still think that we have the opportunity to do something remarkable; something which defies logic and something which honours our love for each other.

Five years on, I don’t think that either of us are searching for euphoria, we are searching for trust; searching for happiness; searching for intimacy.

Five years on, the route to this place of calm, will I feel only be achieved through love.

My wife, I love you!

My next blog will be: From The Same Womb

William Defoe

 

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