Despite coming out as being a gay man to my wife five years ago, I still struggle to be seen.
This is my problem, not hers.
I have endeavored since making my dramatic announcement, to connect more fully with my sexuality, whilst being faithful to the vows I have made to my wife, which I have kept and which I intend to keep.
This intention does not preclude me from two important aspects of self-hood:-
- The first is my willingness to accept that I am gay.
This means that I do not work on my development from a place of being a victim – I know longer pray to be rid of these feelings as I did for many years.
- The second is a deepening need to be seen.
It is only in recent months that I have begun to construct a voice, to an inner narrative which says, that despite choosing to remain faithful in my heterosexual marriage, because I love my wife, this does not mean that I cannot explore non-sexual aspects of my sexuality on a social, emotional, academic, intellectual or physical* level.
I have lived my life, hidden from the view of the community which I would like to claim as my own.
Now, I want to be seen.
I want to be seen with people who express the same desires as I do, but for whom there is no obvious restriction to that expression.
I want to be seen, because I want to gain a sense of community so that my feelings are not operating in a vacuum, but are joined to like-thinking people at a social, emotional and intellectual level, which is in no way disrespectful of the vows I have taken which I choose to honour.
My journey to a fuller understanding of self, has been a journey which has grown in capacity to include contradiction, to include other dimensions, to include the universe so that restrictive thoughts; restrictive dialogue; restrictive practices are opened up and enlightened.
I want to be seen, because I want to thrive.
[I want to thank those people who have helped to facilitate my understanding, and those whom have offered to enlighten my understanding by sharing aspects of their lives with me.]
My next blog will be: Five Years On
- hugs / eye-contact / hand shake