I seem to have been in a continual state of flux this last few weeks.

I have this gnawing, aching sensation that I am craving for change in my life and I feel desolate and empty inside.

It is a kind of depressing disillusionment with the  present, together with a hopeless feeling of futility of prospects for happiness in the future.

All this untamed visceral want, pre-Christmas, has somehow knocked the lustre out of the season of goodwill to all men.

I have learned to be patient with myself when I feel like this – I’ve been here before – It is an unpleasant means to an end, which ultimately adds value in my life – something constructive will emerge from it, I am sure.

The strangeness of my demeanor makes it a difficult time to actually initiate any change, so I already know, that while I am in this semi-depressed state, it would be truly foolish to try to react to it.

• Am I really going to leave my wife, leave my job, travel to Europe’s southern coasts in search of love and casual work and casual sex and then come back and re-train as a teacher?
• Am I really going to live off the state and wander the canals of Britain?
• Am I really going to  walk the Camino on my own and flop to my knees in a penitential act of sorrow for my past mistakes and appeal through St James for clemency?
• Am I going to find a little nook and paint the landscapes and sell my wares in the markets of Europe?
• Am I really going to buy a cottage on the edge of a remote Scottish loch and live a life of solitude working the land?
• Am I really going to invest more of my life in serving Christ and the community as a church minister, tending to the needs of my fellow parishioners?
• Am I really going to jet off to California and become a coach to the those whom will be inspired by story?

No wonder, it is not a time at present, during this period of craving for change that I should make a decision!

But words have emerged into my consciousness and left an indelible imprint – teacher; canals; camino; painting; solitude; minister; coaching which may form a fuller part in my future life when I become more lucid and calm.

I know that gradually the gnawing, clawing, fawning craving for change will subside, and hopefully out of the myriad of want, something useful, something constructive will take shape, which I can embrace as part of my future life.

My next blog will be: Beard

William Defoe