At the very start of my Integral Coaching programme I was encouraged to read The Ugly Duckling by Hans Christian Anderson by my coach.

The reason my coach recommended this book to me was two fold:-

1. The story involves a creature which does not fit into it’s familial environment – a correlation with my own experience
2. The story ends with an understanding of self – an acceptance of self – my own aspiration

Both of these themes resonated deeply with my own experience:-

First of never feeling that I fitted in to my family and setting expectations of myself to conform to the expectations placed on me and;

Secondly, it was a clear aspiration for me at the start of my coached journey of self discovery to find self acceptance (note that this is different to the acceptance of others!)

As a child, I have early memories of somehow not fitting into male friendship groups. I do not remember having a male friend in class until about the age of nine. My interests were more feminine, my friends, particularly out on the street were girls.

As i entered an all male school environment at the age of 13, I had established male friends and I was a member of friendship groups but I sensed an exclusion from friendships with those boys who I secretly aspired to be like – the sporty types, the physically strong.

I was subjected to bullying by physical assaults at primary school and these turned into more verbal name calling up to about the age of 16 years, through three different Catholic Schools which caused immense damage to my self-esteem and to my capacity to mature both emotionally and sexually.

In sixth form I had a strong group of friends, most of whom I still see regularly, 30 years on, but at the same time as entering into a relationship with a girl, who later became my wife, I had already begun to be very difficult at home.

I had entered fully into the quite conservative Catholic upbringing and was in every sense of the word a strong believer – I had wondered whether the years of suffering that I endured at the hands of bullies, followed by the years of suffering I endured in carrying on with my marriage in the knowledge that I was in fact gay, would somehow dent my commitment to my faith – it has not.

In my late teens I suffered mood swings and I was very argumentative with my mother, particularly. I felt a deep resentment towards my siblings, closer to my sisters rather than my brothers, but over the years I even managed to alienate them by making them fear the lash of my tongue on any given perceived injustice that I deemed them to have caused.

My mother said that I had an out sized inferiority complex, but she was not capable of establishing with me the cause of my anger. My father (as related in an earlier post) steered me away from effeminate interests e.g. wearing jewelry, dancing etc. In short, I had conformed to my environment to the extent that like the baby swan I did not understand my own identity and in being verbally aggressive towards my family (who have always cared for me) I contributed to my own “imprisonment” of fear and resentment.

At the end of the story of The Ugly Duckling, the creature catches sight of itself in the water – the ugly cygnet that had looked out of place with its sibling ducklings and had suffered grievously had emerged into a beautiful white swan – for me this means in the context of my own suffering that the cygnet discovered it’s true identity.

I discovered my true identity in my late 20’s – the realization that I was in fact gay was not an instant revelation – it took me a long time to realise that all my anger and pain and confusion was in reaction to having never confronted within me the truth of my deep rooted sexual attraction to men.

My revelation was not like the lucky swan who began to be a swan and to be recognised as a swan – no, my understanding of self was suppressed once again into at least 20 years of deep isolation and pain because I could not face losing my wife (who I love deeply) and my children. My decision to suppress and conform to my situation could be viewed as a weakness by some – I recognise that – however, I wanted to be faithful to my responsibilities as a husband and a father and I did not want to destroy the happiness of my wife and children.

Those of you who have read my earlier posts will know that two years ago, after sustained periods of unhappiness and suicidal thoughts, I reached out and told my brother of my gay sexuality. This was followed almost immediately by a confession of the fact to my wife. There response was acceptance and concern and love.

I have spent the last two years, supported by that love and acceptance, searching for a place of self-acceptance. I have come a long way on that journey with the guidance of a remarkable coach  – I accept that I am gay – I no longer want to be rid of that element of my identity – however, it is sometimes hard to be calm, it is sometimes hard to be at peace, but I am learning the techniques to make the ripples in the pond smoother – after-all it was the smooth ripples in the pond, which revealed to the cygnet, that he was in fact a swan!.

My next blog will be: Sitting Practice

William Defoe

Another early exercise that I was encouraged to try was to categorize my thoughts into whether they related to the past; the present or the future.

It is about two years ago, very early in the integral coaching journey that I had started that this concept was introduced to me by my coach.

I found it very straightforward to classify my thoughts, and the feelings which they caused within me, into Past,; Present and Future by simply naming them as they came into my head albeit fleetingly or over a sustained period.

I also realised that it was possible to reflect back to earlier thoughts that occurred during the day in periods of reflection and to classify them at this time.

The technique is useful because I discovered that quite often my moods were being influenced by events that had happened in the past and their relevance was only useful to me insofar as I could do something in the present to either put a situation right, or accept things for as they are now in this present moment.

Alternatively, quite often my thoughts were about future fears and aspirations – over situations which had not actually happened and quite often in saying to myself “future” it reminded me that the events I feared had not occurred.

I could take a view in the present moment about what the risks of the issue I feared actually occurring and then think what I could start to do now to take steps for something to happen or not to happen insofar as I had the influence to control future events, which I have come to realise is limiting because an outcome often depends on the actions of others.

So, I am driving to work and I feel anxious – I ask myself what story is my mind wanting to communicate with me in this moment. I am reliving the horror of a situation in a previous role, with a previous employer, that caused me huge emotional turmoil at the time, and now many years later I am conscious that my confidence and need for recognition and approval are speaking strongly to me today.

My mind drifts into a future fear that this old story will at some point play itself out again in my life sometime in the future. It’s a living hell, until I say “Past” then “Future” for each category of thought.

It is in this moment – now in the present – that clarity is brought to my thinking. I tell myself that the past is history and I cannot change the past, I have to learn to manage my feelings of regret in the present by not allowing myself to be overwhelmed with fear about a future that has not yet happened.

I ask myself, what do I need to do today to change the narrative of the future.?

I ask myself, what do I have to do today to accommodate the past in such a way as to allow the story to inform the present ? – not from a place of regret and pain, but from a place of information and learning – so powerful!

I say to you – reflect in your mind constantly whether your thoughts are calling you back to the past or pushing you forward to a future yet to come and say the words “Past” or “Future” or “Present and make the thoughts powerful in enabling you to live in the moment with clarity of thought and decisiveness so that the choices you make are the best they can be for “now”

My next blog will be : The Ugly Duckling

William Defoe

One of the first of many literary aids that I was encouraged to study by my coach was the poem “See Paris First” by M Truman Cooper. which is written out in full below. Please read it and then re-read it after my observations below:-

See Paris First
by M. Truman Cooper

Suppose that what you fear
could be trapped,
and held in Paris.
Then you would have
the courage to go
everywhere in the world.
All the directions of the compass
open to you,
except the degrees east or west
of true north
that lead to Paris.
Still, you wouldn’t dare
put your toes
smack dab on the city limit line.
You’re not really willing
to stand on a mountainside
miles away
and watch the Paris lights
come up at night.
Just to be on the safe side
you decide to stay completely
out of France.
But then danger
seems too close
even to those boundaries,
and you feel
the timid part of you
covering the whole globe again.
You need the kind of friend
who learns your secret and says,
“See Paris first.”

As I have related in my earlier posts, I have spent most of my adult life rejecting my gay sexuality which I feared because to reveal it would most certainly have lead to the break up of my marriage and the potential loss of my children. I also felt that my attraction to men was in direct conflict with my deeply held values and Roman Catholic faith. I was pretty much wrong on all points.

My coach, in asking me to internalise this poem, was asking me to consider the possibility of acceptance of my sexuality and to do so within my marriage and within my faith if that was possible – it might not have been, but I was encouraged to look at the problem and dilemma that I had rejected and feared for over twenty years.

At this time I had told my wife of the anguish I had suffered through almost every year of our 25 years of marriage and she had accepted my pain with sincerity mostly as a result of the fact that I had struggled through and I had not had any extra-marital relationships.

I decided to look at the issue of my sexuality and face it head on. I had never had any contact with another man except in the daily torment of my feelings towards men and so I decided to look at pornographic material. I felt that to see the physical contact between two men would be facing what I most feared in the most direct way that I could imagine (short of getting out there to meet a man) .

In looking at this material, and with my wife’s knowledge and support (to a point), I had to overcome massive feelings of judgement – not about the act of homosexuality, but about how it had always been in conflict with my deeply held values and faith. In other words I had to overcome the judge – the inner critic – that was telling me that this was wrong.

I was not repulsed – I was aroused – and for a while I was quite hooked by this material until it had served it’s purpose along this part of my journey and I took steps to stop viewing it.

A second approach of “Seeing Paris First” was to look back at my own journey. How long had I been aware of being gay – certainly early on in my marriage, but my wife wanted to know if I had married her knowing that I was gay. I had not, however, in looking at the issue I know that in fact I was gay most likely from the start of my life – a biological reality and I was able to reflect on feelings that I had not understood or given sufficient space to understand whilst in my adolescent years.

I looked into my upbringing – the weight of expectation in terms of what I was expected to be – albeit from a position of kindness  and with my best interests at heart no doubt, but which turned out to be immensely damaging and the cause of the greatest pain I could imagine having to carry everyday of my life.

My new understanding translated into an acceptance that I had not matured either sexually or emotionally until I was married with two children – I was committed and we went on to have a third child. I don’t remember the day on which I knew I was gay but I felt it to be a long time ago.

So what is it like for me in Paris – I’ve been here metaphorically for two years – I am gay – I am married – I am a deeply committed Catholic – my sexuality is not a sin – if I have hurt those close to me through my deep frustrations, I am sorry, but I have done my penance – all I can do now is try to be open about my sexuality to myself and to those in my close circle who know my story.

I cannot assume that my acceptance of my gay sexuality will necessarily mean that my marriage will be sustainable – we have to take each day as it comes and journey together – some days are better than others – I have mood swings and feel anxious – but the best action I can take at these times is to face towards “Paris” and spend time in deep reflection and calm and prayer.

So, if like me you live in fear – go to Paris!

My next blog will be       –        Past; Present and Future Thoughts

William Defoe

Over the last two years of my journey to self -acceptance I have improved dramatically in noticing my own thoughts, interpreting the words and actions of those around me and recognising the space in which all of us exist.

This post is concerned with the improvements I have made in recognising the external environment and making my own connection with the world through observing my interaction with the environment through my senses.

One of the first exercises which my coach asked me to practice was in observing the world around me through all of my senses.

I tended to come at the world from a perspective of being at it’s centre and perhaps you are the same – you will have heard that expression, “He thinks the world revolves around him”

If you, like me are overwhelmed with anxieties about yourself, perhaps as result of illness or relationship breakdown or concern for close family and friends, it is useful to gain a perspective on this by expanding the reality in which we all exist in this world.

I started to do this, whilst driving the forty minute drive to work each day.  I would scan the sky and horizon to see what I noticed in the space immediately around me and into the distance as far as I could see. A routine journey, previously spent thinking about “my own stuff” became a journey of wider interest as I observed other cars who’s occupants were travelling in both directions – all of them have their own stories, worries and concerns no doubt.

The presence in the sky of clouds or cloud formations, beautiful and dramatic, or a glimpse of the sun through the trees on the horizon, the flock of swifts darting through the sky provided me with a sense of something bigger – perhaps spiritually at times, but also physically – in this larger environmental scale my own problems seemed to diminish over time.

I would wind down the window to hear the hum and buzz of the traffic, of horns of irate drivers, of the rustling trees. I would smell the fumes discharged by cars mingling with more palatable smells of the bakery and the hedges.

On parking the car, I felt the wooden fence, I felt the leaves on the trees and smelled a flower (after making sure I was not observed of course!). The connection with nature and all it’s beauty helped me to expand the capacity I had to allow conflicting issues in my own life to reside side by side in my consciousness but not exclusively, I had created a perspective around my problems so that I was not as overwhelmed by them.

These exercises are a constant companion to me especially when I feel hemmed in by anxiety about work issues or relationship issues.

There was a time, and occasionally there are still times when a dominant fear demands to have all the “mind-space” that I have. At these times, I look up to the sky or out onto the horizon and do everything I can to gain an external perspective by trying to see what is the furthest tree I can see, or the loudest noise I can hear or what is there around me to smell or touch.

A row with a loved one or fear about a deadline which bring on physical symptoms that we commonly call stress are given space to feel smaller within the expanded reality of the environment.

Try it …. often!

My next blog will be – See Paris First

William Defoe

Dance for me is  a metaphor for thriving in this world.

For most of my adult life I have been unable to truly thrive as a result of suppressing my sexuality and so two years ago when I reached out to my brother and my wife for support, I started to “dance”

With their support, and through the guidance and care of my wonderful coach, I to began my journey to discover my capacity to “Dance”

At the start of my journey I would have referred to this as a journey of recovery, as if from an illness, but more recently I prefer to think of it as a journey of discovery in which I take time to listen to who and what I am in this world and how I can bring my very best to everything that I hold to be true.

At the heart of my inner conflict has been my gay sexuality versus my marriage and my deep rooted Roman Catholic faith. How could I ever be able to Dance without having to choose a life course that put one set of values in conflict with those of another.

At the start of my journey, my coach wrote me a beautiful poem. I will share with you a line or two from it, but I am not ready to share it all because I am still working on its meaning within me and it is deeply personal to me.

“Take my hand and we’ll dance home together”

The poem is a gift to me – a special gift – and at the same time the poem addresses a fundamental yearning that I could not hope to realise in so many years of anguish and pain and that is the yearning to be true to the world, and whilst doing so, to experience love and acceptance from those around me, when for so many years I had feared that to reveal my truth would be to experience rejection.

When I was in my early teens I wanted to be a backing dancer on stage. I related in an earlier blog that my dad had said that “you don’t want to do that – it’s sissyish” – and I meekly acquiesced so that I would fit into what the world wanted me to be.

Although I only briefly had lessons in street dance with my wife many years ago, I have always had a natural rhythm, slowing down somewhat with age nowadays – I never danced like mi Dad as Peter Kay would say – I felt that I had a natural skill that was never exploited. Please don’t let that happen to you – always pursue you’re ambitions and bring your natural gifts to the world.

On holiday this year, as we sat at a restaurant at the edge of the town square, their was a group of people dancing. In the middle of the throng was an older man, perhaps in his late 50’s, and he was dancing with sheer abandonment. I was memorized by him  – not in a sexual way, but in his freedom of movement without inhibitions. I turned to my wife and I said to her – Inside I am that man over there, I want to dance with freedom like that, but I’ve never felt able to, there has always been an aspect of me that I held back.

A few nights later, a favourite song of mine by The Mavericks called “I just want to dance the night away” was being played in the square – my wife said to me – come on Will, now’s your chance and she lead me into the middle of the throng and we did a dance called “the slosh” with many of those around us joining in the formation. For those few moments I was free and once again I recognised that to be free is to be true to the world and to experience love and acceptance.

To much hilarity very recently, I was preparing for a day out with my wife and daughter and I felt excited and alive and I was dancing (prancing) around the kitchen whilst they looked on in mock disbelief – I didn’t care – we laughed – we were all close in the moment and I was free. 

My next blog will be – Noticing

William Defoe

My blogs so far, have been explaining to my readers the origins of my unhappiness, and my eventual courage to reach out to my brother and to my wife who have both offered me their support over the last two years, as I have tried to come to terms with my sexuality.

This blog is a link blog to help explain the professional coaching support that I have engaged with for the last two years and which I am certain will be a source of support to me for the rest of my life.

In January 2013, shortly after going to see my coach for the first time, she sent to me a programme which she had written to support me based on the  pre-meet questionnaire that I had completed in advance of our meeting, and then of course, the further topics which we discussed at our meeting.

I don’t think I understood at the time what Integral Coaching actually meant. I now know it to mean the following:-

It is a programme that looks at the whole complex matrix of issues which the client presents themselves with and these are all explored horizontally (across) and vertically (down) and links are made and understood between the issues.

In my case I had suppressed for many years the fact that I was gay.

I had  suffered a in silence because I did not want to lose my wife and children.

I came from a deeply conservative Roman Catholic heritage and I remain deeply committed to my faith.

I  was extremely anxious and uptight – scared of how I was perceived at work

I had not recovered from the circumstances surrounding a job loss several years ago – this continued to affect my confidence at work.

I felt a deep resentment towards my parents and siblings and at the same time I felt guilty for doing so

I was at times difficult and controlling within my marriage – I had expectations that I expected my wife to deliver and the children to fulfill.

I wanted to lose weight but struggled to motivate myself to diet and exercise

I was constantly worried about the responsibilities I had re my family’s financial situation.

I never really enjoyed holidays, particularly when my children entered the difficult teenage phases of their lives.

I craved for peace, rest. – I could not face the prospect of a further 20 years of life in this “mind trap”

At times I felt suicidal.

I wanted to laugh again, dance and be happy.

So:-

Integral Coaching is about searching for long-term excellence by which i mean enabling a person to bring their greatest virtues to the world.

Integral Coaching is about developing an ability to self-correct by taking time to self observe ones own’s thoughts and actions and by seeing clearly what is going on find the strength to take action in such a way that brings your truth to the world.

Integral coaching is about self-generating which means having the ability to use the tools that you have developed through coaching and then be able to apply them in your life without the constant need for support but recognising when perhaps further guidance is required.

I had intended to list my programme in this post, but I think that would have had limited impact, it is therefore, my intention to share the learning from my programme in pretty much all my future blogs.

I am in a far better place mentally and physically than I was two years ago, but I continue to receive face to face support from my coach, however, this is because I want to explore the deeper aspects of the matrix that I explained above so that I can be the best I can be, which by the way will never be perfect, but it will be something that reflects the best I can be in the world.

My next blog will be  – Dance

William Defoe

As I waited to hear from my coach with her programme for me to help me find a place of self-acceptance after many years of isolation and fear, I pondered over the origins of my sexuality.

My coach had said to me that I had to accept my sexuality and when I spoke in terms of a cure she said I was not looking for a cure to an illness I was entering a life-long journey of self acceptance. The change in emphasis in my thinking that I accepted in that moment was important, but I wanted to understand what were the origins of my sexuality and why had I been unable to accept it.

I am told that as a baby I was tetchy and difficult – I had been born a full term but was underweight. During the fourth month of my mothers pregnancy she had fallen on the ice and in the seventh month her father had died. At birth I was underweight (the placenta had been badly damaged and I had been starved in the womb) and I was taken from her for two weeks and placed in an incubator. I had an unsettled stomach.

In the years of my childhood and adolescence when my relationship with my mother became steadily more argumentative and she would despair at the difference in her relationship with me compared to my four siblings and she would relate to me her belief that it was as a result of her fall, her fathers death and our separation (that she had hated) when I was born.

So, was this all the cause of my gay sexuality? Was I born gay? – answer – yes probably but I still don’t know, but in any event it is not my sexuality that is the problem, it is that fact that during my formative years I was programmed into a very deep conservative way of  thinking and I struggled to consider my own “programming” in the midst of what I perceived I was expected to be.

A secondary concern I have about the origins of my sexuality is to do with the bullying i experienced as a child at primary school and subsequently at an all boys grammar school.

As a young child I was scared and shy and I felt more comfortable playing with girls than boys. I wasn’t interested in sport. I was often chased and cornered and hit in the playground and worst of all for no apparent reason an older boy at a different school used to hit me everyday on my way home from school at lunchtime until my mother happened to witness it and took steps to protect me. I never said anything but the inner turmoil and the anxiousness it caused was damaging both to my self-esteem and my education.

At grammar school the name calling “Defoe you puff” etc was a constant feature of my experience until sixth form. The worst attack came from a young  male teacher who ridiculed me in front of the class saying among other things that he kept a photograph of me at the side of his bed. This gave legitimacy of the boys who saw me as different to continue their verbal abuse. The response within me was a deeply entrenched anger and resentment which I have directed over the years at my family.

I recently came across an article in the BBC News Health section which alleged that child bullying victims are still suffering at the age of 50. I include here a link to the article.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-27063715 

In my case, I performed poorly at school and effectively I had to educate myself after I left school and I have managed to attain a level of seniority in my profession despite these setbacks.

The bullying had the effect on me of causing a deep and constant anxiety which made relationships and friendships with men quite difficult. I still find it difficult to converse with typical sport ridden men  – men I deeply aspired to be like, but I just never fit into that culture, even among the men in my family which has grown following the marriages of my sisters etc

The bullying also prevented the proper development of my emotional and sexual self. I conformed to what the world around me expected me to be and constantly fought to give the narrative that I was no different to anybody else.

The focus on my catholic faith and church teaching on sex and family were and still are deeply entrenched within me.

At that time (into my late teens) and going steady with the girl who became my wife, i did not know I was gay – I had not developed that emotional maturity to recognise how I felt so I blindly went ahead into a marriage and family responsibilities which ultimately resulted in many years of inner conflict and isolation.

My next blog will be: Integral Coaching – My Programme

William Defoe

When I first told my brother in November 2012 that I had suffered grievously as a result of suppressing my same sex attraction, our conversation lead on to what my family knew about my suffering,

As I related in an earlier post he told me that our older brother had once said “when will William accept that he is gay”  – I felt angry at hearing this and my brother urged me not to be resentful towards the family whom, he said, had felt helpless to get involved because I was capable of lashing out at them with aggressive statements.

My coach said to me “Resentment is like taking a draught of poison yourself and hoping somebody else will die” – this is a sentence I have repeated over and over to myself over the last two years and it speaks to me deeply of finding new ways to think.

As I drove home from my first visit to see my coach in January 2013, full of hope that my future had the potential to be happier, the four hours of driving to reach my home was a good time for me to start to reflect on what I must do to reach a place of self acceptance. Two particular themes came into my mind:-

• What are the origins of my sexuality (my next blog); and
• Had I somehow been let down by my family in my childhood and adolescence.

On getting home I was very emotional and it was difficult for me to explain to my wife what was going on within me. I had been stirred up that was for sure and now I needed to find some answers to the life of fear and isolation that I had lived and discover what would make me happy in the years of my life that I might still reasonably expect to live. One thing was for sure, I had to find a place of calm within me and reduce drastically my feelings of anger and wanting to control everything in my life and of those close to me.

The following day I spoke to my brother on the phone and I explained I had decided that I had confidence enough in the my coach to support me with my inner conflict with respect to my sexuality. He felt I would have been better seeing a male catholic counselor  who would understand my situation from a position of faith – I stepped up and said I’ve got the faith  – the church has no counselors in my neck of the woods to help me, and in any case I don’t want to come at all this from a narrow view of understanding, I want the integrated coaching approach that my coach is offering me.

We then started to talk about our Dad  – I told my brother that he had let me down and that in the years when he had the opportunity to help me, he had not done so, Mr brother said, “please Will, don’t go down that route of blaming Dad”  – he was fearful that I was going to confront him over my years of isolation and pain, but I said that at the current time I had no intention of doing so, however, I was determined to examine closely what had gone wrong in my relationship with him. The call ended angrily.

The following day he called me to say that he was sorry that he had been defensive. He said that he had been tired last night and that he thought I was doing great. He offered to pay for my coaching sessions which was kind of him but I assured him that there was no need, I had it covered.

I said to him, “I have begun a journey to help me understand and accept the nature of my place in the world – to understand why I am hurting so much and to move towards acceptance – you brother have been a great help already and I need you to be there for me i the future”.

I told him, “I am not blaming Dad for anything – he did for me what he thought was best and I won’t be confronting him on how I feel in respect that I was hurt by his approach and I just need to face it, understand it and move on”.

My brother said to me ” I think Dad failed you, I hate to say so, but I do, however, I don’t think he had any idea how to succeed with you”

[The issue being discussed here is my recollection that my Dad did nothing for me in my late teens when I showed signs of stress to discuss my problems with me]

My brother said to me “Dad did what he could to distract you from the areas in life that he thought would not be good for you, or put it another way that areas that you might chose that he could not cope with”

So what were these areas that might bring shame on the family:-

• I had want to be a dancer – my Dad said that was sissy-ish and I accepted the discouragement  – I lacked maturity to stand up for what I wanted to do with my life and I conformed to what was expected from me.
• I wore a bracelet and rings – my Dad said boys don’t wear bracelets so i stopped wearing it – I customised my leanings to what was expected from me
• I was highly strung – my Dad would challenge me but i responded by being verbally aggressive and challenging and he backed down so what he might have wanted to say to me was never said.

In future blogs I will related the journey of healing that has taken place within myself in respect of feelings towards my Dad and the rest of my family and how I continue to manage feelings of disappointment about the past, but from a place of calm and acceptance.

I will conclude my blog today by saying that I know deep in my heart that my parents and siblings love me and did not go out of their way to hurt me – we somehow allowed the relationship between us to be polite on the surface with anxieties being allowed to reside under the surface for many years.

My net blog will be – Origins of my sexuality

William Defoe