I have been unable to imagine a life between myself and another man.

This lack of imagination has kept me fixed in what seems to be a permanent state of despair, at my inability to express myself authetically in the world.

It is a source of constant pain, constant anxiety, and constant frustration.

I went through a period of thinking that my inaction to move into my full potential, was out of loyalty to my wife, to my family and to my faith, but in recent times, I recognise that I am the one who is responsible for this feeling of being trapped due to a lack of imagination.

I think, my age is against me, perhaps even my health, added to which is the morbid reality of a sexual decline in libido and strength.

I am reasonably handsome, I suppose, professional and intelligent, but I can never seem to imagine that these are qualities enough to attract a reliable man.

I am convinced that to be authentic, is to be an outcast, to be alone, to be isolated and full of bitter regrets for choosing a path which hurt everyone, and did not even have the benefit of meeting my need to be held and loved.

There are good reasons to be faithful, to remain in my marriage, I am aware of these, but an honest review of my motivations brings me to the unhappy conclusion that I am in fact, trapped by my lack of imagination.

William Defoe