Agitated Feelings

Earlier this week I watched a beautiful film “The Fundamentals of Caring” which touched me deeply within my soul.

I was affected by the wounds which the care giver and the care recipient were trying to manage throughout their humorous and compassionate journey to see the worlds deepest pit.

I have noticed that when something beautiful touches my emotional state, my own wounds of the soul seem to ache all the more and the joy of this film, washed back over me in a second wave of the deepest agitation and pain.

It has been so bad, that my awareness of the physical manifestations of the anxiety which I have experienced has felt dangerous and intolerable.

Last night, sat in a relaxed state with a glass of beer in my hand, I was acutely aware that beneath the exterior appearance of calm, my inner emotions were out of control within me. I randomly announced to my wife that I needed to see a doctor for some medication to see me through this difficult period of severe agitation.

It lead to a conversation in wnich some issues were explored, peripheral issues in respect of financial, work and family worries, which compound the deepest wounds of my suppressed sexaulity which although acknowledged, these were not dealt with.

I hold back, to save my wife any further pain or worry. My choice to remain married is solid, but it comes at a price which sometimes feels too hard to bear.

Layered into the physical, emotional and mental pain, is the imagined pain of suspicion, perhaps even bordering on paranoia that I am being tracked in my movements or talked about by acquaintances who percieve my truth.

A toxic cocktail of anxiousness and fear is contributing to my current agitated state which I know will pass, just as the tide which ebbs ond flows on the shore sometimes arrives with the tumultuous crashing of waves on the sand, until subdued in calmer weather, it creeps in and out, bringing with it the gentlest breeze.

William Defoe

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