Held Upright by Water

On my recent holiday, the water in the shower came out at such a speed and force that if I directed the jets to my chest, I experienced a sensation of being physically held upright by the water.

It was quite a surprising and a wonderful sensation of support, quite intimate as I stood still and upright in my naked and vulnerable state.

The pressure of the water, holding me up, seemed to give my mind some space to be with itself as my body experienced an exhilaration of the sheer volume and intensity of the torrent.

I have long understood that physical support, such as eye contact or a hug or a voice of clarity, have provided my mind with an opportunity to develop and deepen its capacity to think more rationally and calmly about the mental challenges I face living as a gay man in a heterosexual life.

So often, I have experienced feelings of isolation, frustration and emotional pain and distress, and at these times my mind has not had the capacity or strength to rescue me from the inner turmoil of my soul.

The inner critic has at these time acted like some kind of foe, rather than the gentle and loving and kind spirit which has held me by its own strength and resolve for all these years.

Turning off the water, whilst leaning in, I jerked forward and saved myself with my hand against the cubicle wall.

Saved from falling by the instruction from my brain, to my arm to hold me up as the outside support is cut off.

Knowing of course that I would not deliberately allow myself to fall, none of us would, but learning too that support is there in the wide world all the time as a continuous call to our existence, if only we can identify and utilize its all-giving power.

 William Defoe

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