Holding onto the Enormity of Being Me

A few weeks ago, near the start of the coronavirus lock down, here in the UK, I suffered some kind of mental trauma which resulted in me calling out for support, to those,whom I have in a small circle to help me.

In the depth of my feelings of isolation and despair and longing, I experienced a level of despair and real fear that I cannot ever recall experiencing in all the years I have held the truth of my gay sexuality alone.

In recent weeks, I have been generally calm and I have become very conscious of how I have managed to hold onto the enormity of being me, quite alone for this period of time.

I am not some kind of special case, but like others who are vulnerable and live a hidden life, the heavy load can feel overwhelming at times, and when it emerges into a space of anguish and fear, it touches on making life almost too hard to bear living.

Our complex minds are capable of so much, but I know that my own mind, depends on the rhythm of my physical body, to keep itself aligned and safe. When the two are out of sync, the body revolts and in my case, I suffer a rash or itchiness and fatigue which calls out for the soothing balm of pure water and oils to refresh and cleanse.

So it is no surprise that the mind too calls out for the soothing balm of sleep, of peace and beauty as seen in the natural world around us and in the elements, particularly its reaction to the warm sun on my skin.

I know that I am, like you, gifted and precious and that my life would ultimately be meaningless if I did not learn to love all aspects of holding onto the enormity of being me. 

William Defoe

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