It is strange to me how sometimes there are moments of normality in the midst of turmoil.
Days will be spent in periods of silence following an explosion between us of anger and frustration.
We will avoid physical or sexual contact between us and yet, share information calmly about the lives of family members as they emerge on social media.
These moments are interspersed with occasional hand-holding or an act of generosity or kindness.
It is as if neither of us really wants to ultimately make a decision to end our marriage.
It is clear to me that the social distancing and isolation has thrown into sharp relief the ongoing power struggle between us which is destructive and painful and profoundly damaging to our health and well-being.
Both of us have been unwell, and feel unwell and know that this battle to control or to resist being controlled is wearing out our hearts.
If only the normal moments in the midst if this turmoil could be sustained.
If only we could declare our love for each other once again.
If only we could learn to forgive each other.
If only the trust could be restored once more.
These longings occasionally win through into periods of normality, but for these to be sustained, we both of us will need to reach back into our stored treasures of intimacy and life, if we are ever going to feel safe and secure and loved by each other again.