Safety versus Freedom

Benjamin Franklin once said “those who surrender freedom for security will not have, nor do they deserve, either one.” 

“Piece by piece individual freedoms are chipped away and replaced by false promises and agreements.”

I have lived my life trying to accommodate my innate truth as a gay man, within the confines of my marriage.

This approach has brought me many blessings, a lovely wife, three beautiful children and in my everyday act of embracing security, I have been able to be a father through the crucial years of their lives.

I have been able to experience their love and gratitude for the material benefits which  my work has been able to provide for them,  and through my kindness and love I have been able to provide for their stability and growth and create opportunities for them to thrive.

It is hard to regret my choice to stay in the marriage and do my best, but now in my mid-fifties living in an empty nest, the pull from within to be known for who I am is intense and overwhelming.

Only the greatest love and care at this difficult period of my life will enable me to continue to live my life in the walled-courtyard in which I live my life.

It is difficult to experience that love and care, when my truth continues to be hidden from those whom I need the most to support me, and those who do know my truth either want to contain it and keep it unexpressed, or who try to link my continued anguish to a resolution to be found in prayer and faith.

If my freedom ever does come, it will come at a heavy price because I so wanted to be able to love and cherish my wife, for the whole of my life and I had so much hoped that she would allow me to continue to love her, honour her and care for her until my last breath.

I fear that in losing her. I will lose my freedom to love whilst gaining my freedom to be.

To be or not to be?…………. that is the question. The answer I know not what.

William Defoe 

 

 

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