Recently, I have entered into an arrangement to meet a gay couple who are known to a mutual friend, but not to me.

I have struggled to connect with the gay community because I have lived my life as a heterosexual man and I am married to my wife of thirty years, whom I very much love and care for.

I have been faithful to the vows I made to her all them years ago.

In recent years, and especially since telling my wife of my gay sexuality, I have tried to connect more fully with the person of self which encompasses my desire to remain in my marriage, but also to be gay.

My friend suggested that I might benefit from making a connection with her friends as a way of enabling me to feel “seen”.

To be in the presence of these two gay men and to be acknowledged as gay will be a very important moment in my journey to accept self.

It matters to me profoundly to be able to witness to my truth in this way, without compromising  my integrity.

Once the arrangements were made, I held within me a sense of dilemma – should I tell my wife about the arrangements I had made?.

My options : –

• Don’t tell her – she won’t understand – she does not need to know – it might worry her – but then, she might find out and that would look bad!
• Tell her, but then she might not understand, she might get cross with me – best then to wait until nearer the time to minimize the period of discourse between us.
• Leave her the clues for her to find – an email trail of clues and invite the question from her.

I chose the latter option, but the trail lead to the question sooner than I had hoped it would.

I wasn’t spared the discourse and for her it presented itself as a matter of trust.

I have not always felt supported by her on my journey to know and understand my self more fully, without judgement, without apology, without regret, without hope, but I am worthy of her trust.

I have made it clear, that my procrastination in respect of this issue was not a matter of trust, but a matter of time, a matter of fear; a matter of isolation.

I am looking forward to meeting these men, who have for no other reason than to help me, have kindly offered to give up their evening and connect with me in my need to be seen.

My next blog will be: Settling Scores

William Defoe