I’m currently in the midst of a storm of all the old stuff.
It is a destructive cycle of old feelings of rejection and hurt, which I have worked hard in recent years, with the support of my coach, to overcome.
It should feel like a failure then, to experience these old worn out emotions and a sign that my development has not worked, but in fact it feels the opposite.
It feels wonderful, in an abstract kind of way.
It feels good because although I am experiencing these old feelings, I don’t believe them, and because I don’t believe them , I am less likely to act upon them in the moment.
It’s as if my destructive thoughts are encased in an inner energy which resists without suppressing the emotions which I am currently experiencing.
The hard bit is getting through the pain, which feels intense and raw:
- Feelings of frustration with the suppression of my sexuality;
- Feelings of failure in respect of my role as a husband and father;
- Feelings of disappointment in aspects of my upbringing;
- Feelings of jealousy and anger towards my siblings;
- Feelings of wanting to be alone – to run away and be left to live in peace
- Feelings that my job is too much for me to manage;
- Feelings that I am unloved and misunderstood;
- Feelings of physical inadequacy as a man.
My solution to all this in the past was to let rip in almost a rage to make damned sure that those around me felt their share of my pain too.
My solution this time around has been to run, to walk, to sleep, to be quiet (that is the bit I find hard); just being with it, waiting for it to drain away from my head space so that all the positive aspects of my journey to know and love self can once more occupy my mindset.
I haven’t cried, but perhaps if I had it would release the tension within me.
I am grateful that I have developed a capacity to be in the midst of a storm of all the old stuff, without delivering all the old actions which I used to display wreaking havoc in its wake.
This means that the old rituals of having to go back over the destructive ground to repair damaged relationships, and retract words said in anger, asking for understanding and forgiveness are no longer required.
My next blog will be: Wearing a Handkerchief on Her Head