I wanted to write further in respect of my previous post on L’Omosessuale.
The character of Carlo Piero Guercio refers to his imaginary conversations with a doctor.
He says “I know in advance that I will be called an invert, that I am in a strange way in love with myself, that I am sick and can be cured, that my mother is responsible………”
The concept of “being in love with myself” provoked within me a strong sense of confusion, uncertainty and disconcertion.
I often refer in my posts to having found a space in which I can love myself, to embrace all of what I am, and so I would say that before this time my suppressed feelings for my own sex were anything but being in love with myself.
Then there is the consideration that in some way, I am auto-sexual.
That is, I look in the mirror and I feel a physical attraction to myself, and that if it was possible I would want to sleep with me, if I met myself in a bar (etc).
I have often given consideration as to whether my appearance might be a source of attraction to other men, but I think I am being honest when I say that I am not attracted to a type that looks like me.
If anything, my interests in men are indeterminate and at a deeper level they are concerned with fulfilling a need for a feeling of security, safety, strength and compassion.
I have this underlying concern that my feelings for men are in some way a form of narcissism.
I refute this in my mind because having considered its implications, my love of self is contextualized in a very strong love and compassion and indeed sacrificial consideration for the needs and feelings of others when continuing to hold my truth to only a close circle.
Ultimately, Carlo Piero Guercio gives his life to protect a man he loves, that is not the actions of a man in love with himself, nor is my homosexuality an inverted narcissism which is concerned with self alone.
It is a reality into which I have constantly striven to be a source of strength and love for others, and it is perhaps the greatest source of the compassion and empathy which I bring to the world.
My next blog will be: Above the Clouds