In the days leading up to, and including, the Easter weekend, we helped our daughter move out of one apartment and into another.
It was hard work I can tell you.
As parents, we do these things for our children, and I am beginning to appreciate that this habit of supporting and guiding does not end at the point at which they enter adulthood, it continues unabated!.
The difference came though, in an unexpected surprise a couple of weeks later when my daughter called in to see us and invited us out for lunch on the following Saturday.
I was pleased that she had asked us, and in a strange way, I felt it was an appropriate gesture given the immense effort and time which her move had required from us over a holiday weekend.
However, when the time came to go for lunch, I had this strange feeling, which I can only describe as an uncomfortable state of mind because, in truth, I did not want her spending her money on us.
We went for lunch, and my daughter bought and paid for everything and she refused absolutely to let me contribute towards it.
A part of me wanted to say to her, “ok now, you have brought us out, I can see you have done the right thing, but now let me pay – I can afford it, money is more difficult for you at this stage of your life, than it is for us.”
But…………. I let her pay!
As I came out of the restaurant, I told her how lovely it was for us to be acknowledged by her and thanked in this way. It had been a nice treat.
I think I find it hard to be thanked for what I do.
I carry within me, remnants of feelings that I was a failure as a husband and a father, despite doing the best I could with the load which I carried in private in respect of my sexuality at a time when I found it totally alien to my way of life, and a threat to all I believe and hold dear.
I have come to realise that my liberation from self judgement, and my acceptance of all of me, and my love for all that is me, has enabled me to feel able to accept a treat from those who love me, when they want to say thank you for what I have done for them.
My next blog will be: Pulling on the Hand Brake