Is it a Burden?

I have never had to live with the misfortune of loving someone whom I cannot have – I imagine that must be quite a burden to carry?

To love an individual for whom that love is unrequited, rejected, betrayed, lost, bereaved  – must be quite a burden?

I am aware of what I do carry, as a married man with a same sex attraction, who is fortunate to have a loving wife, whom I don’t want to lose.

I am aware of the weight of my feelings for my own sex, which is not specific to an individual – it is not that I love someone I cannot have, it is that I carry the attraction, a deep intensity which ebbs and flows but which is never far away and at times it feels very heavy.

The weight of these feelings were carried by me, in isolation, for many years as fear, judgement and rejection, but in recent years I have faced into my truth and accepted it and found a space to be open and loving to self with the help of my wife.

So, if I have accepted my situation, and my wife still loves me in full knowledge of my truth and I love her, what is this weight which I am carrying? – is it a burden?

I don’t think so!.

I think the intensity, the frustration, the longing is a cry from self to be heard, to be acknowledged, to be with these feelings calmly and courageously.

My body is weighed down to the pavement by gravity, and my same sex feelings are weighed down to my mind by the “gravity” of consciousness, freedom and truth which I am learning to understand are an essential element of my humanity.

My feelings are not a burden, they are components of self, which need my love, and also the love of those who know my truth and who love and support me on my way through life.

My next blog will be: Control Sense

William Defoe


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