Yuk

Yuk is defined in the English Oxford Dictionary as a word used to express strong distaste or disgust.

For many months now I have lived in a question of how far I should go to reveal the truth about my sexuality to the world.

Last week, whilst travelling with my mother, our conversation drifted to the issue of gay marriage in connection to a mutual acquaintance of ours who happens to be a lesbian and living in a very long term relationship with another woman.

My mother, as she referred to this relationship, described their situation as “Yuk”

This strong judgement, on a couple whom neither of us know very well, made me think again about the reason I find it difficult to be open with her, and others, about the truth of my same sex attraction.

At first, on reflection it made me metaphorically curl up like a hedgehog into a ball of spines – ready to repel any risk of hurt or judgement that might befall me if I was to make my truth more widely known.

At the heart of my dilemma is a growing and deepening acceptance and love of self as to who I am,  which is offset by an anxiety, that if I was more open, I would lay myself wide open to judgement, hurt and rejection.

On further reflection, these words of judgement have stiffened my resolve to be ready for some losses – but not my mother.

This effectively means, that I will put to rest any hope that I have of being open with my mother, which is a lost opportunity for us both.

It seems to me that if we are quick to judge others, we open up to the risk of denying ourselves the opportunity to live fully present in the truth of the world.

We deny ourselves the opportunity to be a source of help and support to those whom we love.

It is my strong assertion, that as we grow in our love of self, in all aspects of our truth, we become more and more open to the truth of all those in the world, in all the wonderful contradictions and diversity, which this world has to offer.

My next blog will be: Fate and Destiny

William Defoe

 

 

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