Exploring Integrity

I am in the midst of difficulty. I usually am, however, the difference is that now I have this counter-balance on the pendulum of my life, which is a desire to act with integrity.

I have rebelled, and will continue to do so, of being controlled by my wife in respect of my gay sexuality, but what I will do, is tell her the truth.

I wanted to tell her yesterday about the difficulty which I am currently experiencing, and how I am watching gay romantic films to connect to my sexuality.

These types of dsclosures, are not asking for permission, they are keeping her informed, and providing me with a sense of integrity so that I am not burying deeper into my psyche, a deeper pit of isolation than that which I already experience each day.

This disclosure caused her pain because it opened up a discussion about past hurts, which for her are difficult to overcome, but neverthless she acknowledged my honesty and candour.

I explained to her, that her choice to stay with me is not without its emotional cost to her, just like my choice to stay is not without its emotional cost to me. She is not a victim, she is an active participant in a choice to live her life with a gay man, a gay man who struggles every day to manage his feelings and longings.

After our talk, and her tears, and my comforting arm around her, we went on a long walk in the spring sunshine. Each in our own thoughts about the nature of our difficult life, our choices made and our choices still to be made in the future.

In exploring integrity, we experienced a connection, a deeper understanding of the dilemma which we are trying to resolve. For me, as I walked along, I did not feel guilty for speaking, I felt liberated from the shackles of silence, the shackles of fear, and the shackles of isolation by explaining to her my truth.

William Defoe

The Smile Behind The Mask

This morning, whilst out for my run, I noticed an elderly woman sat alone in a bus shelter, waiting for a bus (I guess!).

She caught my eye and she smiled at me. I reacted with a broad smile, called out hello and waved my hand above my head.

Fortunately, my running pace is quite moderate, so I had time to see her face light up and smile at me from behind her mask. My reaction had thrilled her, and I could see that it had caused her a moment of joy at the unexpected warmth of our momentary connection.

As I ran on, I reflected on our little encounter. It touched my heart and I wondered why. I think her smile behind the mask, which I could not see, was obvious to me in her bright shining eyes. It was a magical moment, a moment of joy, a moment of respect, a moment of connection.

The physical mask which we are all currently wearing will hopefully become an unnecessary appendage very soon, but the mask I wear has the feel and appearance of permanence about it in my life thus far.

I wear a mask every day of my life to suppresses my truth, to suppress my capacity to convey myself in the world with honesty about the reality of my gay sexuality.

When the masks come off, we will once again see the smile around the mouth and cheeks and its impact will be restored to a full expression of the joy this facial response to happiness conveys.

The mask I wear slips only with the few people who know the truth of the dilemma I experience in my life each day.

For those, who see behind the mask I wear, I owe the deepest gratitude, the type of gratitude which conveys the joy which the little elderly lady conveyed to me in her smile, because in the connection between us, we were united in truth.

William Defoe

A Leak of Water

In the early hours of Saturday morning, I woke up to the sound of fast running water and splashing.

My head was sleepy, and I arose from my bed feeling disorinentated and confused.

I stood at the top of the stairs and listened, discounting reasonable explanaions for the fast flowing gush of water eminating from below; it was not the washing machine, nor was it the dishwasher, it did not sound like rain.

I went downstairs and opened the door to the downstairs closet. I was greeted by a rush of water and the floor was flooded. I cried out for help and I was quickly joined by my wife.

A cable to a tap which had been tightened earlier in the week, had caused a breach in the connecting pipework which had suddenly given way.

I turned off the water supply, and we mopped up the water which had collected on a tiled floor.

The water, had seeped under the wall of the little closet into our living space and soddened wet through a carpet in a circular formation across a wide area of the floor.

I scrubbed on my hands and knees with numerous towels to soak up the excess water, before retiring back to bed with plans to make arrangements for a repair in the morning.

The incident was unsettling and at some level upsetting, but the damage could have been far worse, if I had not woken unexpectedly in the middle of the night, or if we had been away from home when the leak had occurred.

The aftermath on my emotional state, was one of reflection as I tried to think how the leakage of water under the wall onto the carpet was akin to the aftermath of one of my many crises. These crises seem to come and go with such frequency, but each time, they take time to “dry out” much like the damp carpet after each emotional episode.

My emotional state, is flimsy, and at times, unmanaged, and lacks reslience, which despite my efforts, I cannot seem to build and sustain.

I am flooded with a feeling of being overwhelmed, trapped, immovable, as if the water has seeped into my brain and left it there to float in a state of dizziness and uncertainty and anxiety until the levels gradually subside and withdraw.

This leak of water, showed to me in a metaphorical sense, that I need to try again to build in some control to my emotions, not to suppress them but to steer them to channels of positivity and constructivity and contentment, rather than being vulnerable to the sogginess, and dampness and quelchiness of a flood.

William Defoe

Daffodil Head

The daffodil bulbs which I planted in neat little patches around my garden last autumn, are beginning to bloom.

Their little heads are a joy to behold in the prevailing melancholy of my heart.

Something deep within me is stirred by them all, their little heads of yellow, so delicate, so intricate, so utterly charming and beautiful.

One of the little daffodil heads draws my particular attention and illicits from me a deep heartfelt respect and longing which I find hard to contain in my fragile heart.

It is perfectly formed, its yellow is the brightest yellow, and its head is connected to its slender green stem robustly and as proud as all of the other daffodils in the garden.

I am drawn to it, because its head, unlike the others is on the ground. Its lovely little head is touching the soil which is nourishing it, but this daffodil is not destined to stand tall and flourish as do all of its brothers.

I inwardly grieve for its loss, despite its beauty, this daffodil head will never stand tall because the stem which sustains it, has not the capacity to lift it from the soil, because this stem is broken, but not severed.

I look again, and I see that despite its predicament, this daffodil is radiating its beauty and stands out from all the others because its line of sight to my eye is lower than all of its sisters.

Your life, dear daffodil, has touched me.

Your pain and disappointment mirror that of my own life. I too am a thing of beauty whose head has not been able to rise and stand tall with its peers.

Despite this, dear daffodil, we radiate beauty, we are formed by perfection into perfection until ultimately we decline and return to the soil from which we sprung after those few flowering days of our lives.

Dear daffodil, I tenderly kiss your head of beauty, I call to you, through my tears, that you have been seen and loved.

I thank you for sharing your beauty despite the ordeal of being grown on a broken stem; despite the ordeal of your head touching the soil; despite the ordeal, I imagine, of knowing full well that you were not destined to thrive in the fulness of your truth.

William Defoe

Odd Sock

In recent days, there has been an odd sock in the front of the drawer which holds my socks.

My sock drawer is situtated in a cabinet, which holds my underwear above it and a tin box and cotton square hankerchieves below it.

Today, home alone recovering from illness, I felt well enough to change the bedsheets and whilst doing so, I notice in the corner of my eye a pile of ironed clothes ready to be placed in the closets which adorn the room to hold them.

I find, that the pile is not organised, as it might have been if I had been ironing (a task incidentally which I never do, but I imagine that is how it would be if I was to do so!).

The ironing had been done in a random order, socks, underwear, socks, nightwear, jeans, shirt, socks, blouse, jeans, shirt, socks, underwear, etc etc.

I sort through the load, bringing my organisational skills to a serious disorder of the clothes.

I arrange bespoke piles on the clean bedding of socks for her, underwear for me, blouse for her, shirt for me, jeans… jeans again both mine, a little damp, so I hang them over the radiator to air them off.

Phew, I have avoided putting, at a later time, a dry toned, hairy leg, some might call it beautiful, into a damp denim tube. I am satisfied that order is being restored.

I keep going through the pile, I find an odd sock,and looking around on the bed I see nothing with which it can be paired, its’s purpose is suspended in perilous animation.

I suddenly recall the odd sock in my sock drawer, is it a match I wonder? or is it a duplication of a potentially worthless item?. Phew, again!, it is a match. I join them together and place them in my pile of socks.

I have finished sorting, so I quickly open drawers and drop my things into their correct place, and slide doors open to find the hangers, do the hanging and slide them closed.

The socks which have been separated have been reunited and are lost in and amongst the other garments with the same purpose into my middle drawer.

Somehow, coming off my feet a few days ago, they were separated in the process of washing and drying them. Their usefulness held by a thread, held by a willingness to give some time to the hope that they would eventually find each other, without any attempt to actually go look and support their cause.

Their finding of each other, is as random as the the act of losing each other, unplanned, unintended, unlucky.

Their reunicifaction secures for them a purpose and a future, a life of service, a life of care, a life for me in the service of my feet, a life for me in the service of my conflicted heart.

William Defoe

When the Body Asserts Itself Over The Mind

In recent weeks, I have felt under enormous mental pressure and overwhelmed with the demands of my work responsibilities which I work long hours to fulfil.

In the undercurrent of my life is an emotional torrent, a fast flowing river of anguish over the my choice to suppress my gay sexual identity.

I expect my body to carry the load and I encourage it to alleviate my mental and emotional strife by pushing it to run as a means balancing physically the trauma of my life each day.

This week, I sensed that all was out of control and unmanageable. I made some decisons to work at the weekend, regardless of the consequesnces so that I could be alone with my thoughts, uninterrupted to get on top of the issues which are unresolved in my head.

By mid-week my throat began to hurt. It is my weak spot and an inflammation in my mouth imposed on me the rest that I would not take.

The rush of infection in my mouth brought me low and forced me to stop, forced me to rest, forced me to recognise that my body had had enough.

The severest of pains in the tender fleshy parts of my mouth, constricting my swallowing action with the added discomfort of pain being felt in my ear and on my tongue.

I have taken note of this moment when my body physical has asserted itself over my mind, and over my worrying, and over my plans to keep going.

I have sensed that I would be sensible to take note of my body’s power to take control of me, to bring me low to a point where I have had to succumb to rest.

The body is the temple of the mind, and of the soul, and at it’s centre is my heart which yearns to be seen and loved. I am in awe of its power to protect me from harm, receiving into its biology the medication which will heal and repair the fleshy wounds, soon restored, rested and ready to be more careful with the demands I place upon the physical frame which holds my life.

William Defoe

A Feeling of Anxiousness

I am experiencing a lived feeling of anxiousness.

It’s physical effects, which I am honed into, is of a fluttering in my chest, as if there is a little bird flapping frantically in an attempt to escape it’s captivity in my heart.

It’s mental effects, are a deep fear and foreboding that something is wrong, something is off the tracks, something is happening or will happen over which I have no control.

It’s emotional effects are a constant effort to put on a face to the world, in which I hide my pain, in which I suppress my deepest longings, in which I tell myself that these feelings rise and fall like the swell of the sea which I must just ride out.

It’s cognitive effects are frightening because I fear that I will not be able to sustain my working capacity in a role which demands so much of my cognitive skills to be competent, confident and concise.

These feelings of anxiousness are an unwelcome companion on my journey through life, but they are not unknown, nor are they my enemy, they are thoughts and feelings from deep within my soul calling for me to be safe.

I try my best to attach these feelings to something tangible, something that I can relate to, an event that has happened, or an event which is happening or an event which I fear will happen in the future which I can overcome if only I can understand what its basis is for being present.

These feelings ebb and flow and connect themselves to multipe strands of life, which are in most cases the simple run of the mill experiences that come with being alive.

I am busy trying to be a good husband and father, a son and a brother, and yet my feelings of anxiousness, warn me of impending loss, punch me with feelings of doubt and regret, tease me with hopes and longings that I can never realistically expect to fulfil.

My response is to attack these feelings of anxiousness with physical activity, running, sex, long walks and attack them also with quietness, a space to think, a space to find balance, a space to sleep, and attack them with creativity in reading, writing and painting.

My experience of being integrally coached has taught me to welcome all my feelings, they are all part of a bigger picture of the canvas of my life and that if I welcome them all, I will have a lived hope of respite from the dark days and emerge once more into light, peace and calm.

Eventually the fluttering bird trapped near my heart, will be free once more to fly and soar in the vastness of the sky.

William Defoe

Agitated Feelings

Earlier this week I watched a beautiful film “The Fundamentals of Caring” which touched me deeply within my soul.

I was affected by the wounds which the care giver and the care recipient were trying to manage throughout their humorous and compassionate journey to see the worlds deepest pit.

I have noticed that when something beautiful touches my emotional state, my own wounds of the soul seem to ache all the more and the joy of this film, washed back over me in a second wave of the deepest agitation and pain.

It has been so bad, that my awareness of the physical manifestations of the anxiety which I have experienced has felt dangerous and intolerable.

Last night, sat in a relaxed state with a glass of beer in my hand, I was acutely aware that beneath the exterior appearance of calm, my inner emotions were out of control within me. I randomly announced to my wife that I needed to see a doctor for some medication to see me through this difficult period of severe agitation.

It lead to a conversation in wnich some issues were explored, peripheral issues in respect of financial, work and family worries, which compound the deepest wounds of my suppressed sexaulity which although acknowledged, these were not dealt with.

I hold back, to save my wife any further pain or worry. My choice to remain married is solid, but it comes at a price which sometimes feels too hard to bear.

Layered into the physical, emotional and mental pain, is the imagined pain of suspicion, perhaps even bordering on paranoia that I am being tracked in my movements or talked about by acquaintances who percieve my truth.

A toxic cocktail of anxiousness and fear is contributing to my current agitated state which I know will pass, just as the tide which ebbs ond flows on the shore sometimes arrives with the tumultuous crashing of waves on the sand, until subdued in calmer weather, it creeps in and out, bringing with it the gentlest breeze.

William Defoe

January’s End

I have tried to remain positive in the cold, dark month of January because it has been a time for me in many past years of unhappiness, anxiety and inertia.

I have tried to keep active, ignoring the cold, or more particularly ignoring the perception of the cold which my mind wants to protect me from, and I have gone out early in the morning to run in the cold and dark streets before sunrise.

I have tried to sleep for longer, ignoring a perception in my mind that the cold and dark are my enemies, keeping me a prisoner within the walls of my home.

My sleep has not been due to a feeling of malaise, but rather it has been an active and positive attempt to rest, to notice the benefit of being rested, and to nurture a sense of gratitude that I am relaxed and calm enough to endure it.

I have tried to walk, particularly on sunny bright Sunday afternoons, feeling the cold on my face, but being wrapped up in winter clothes, overcoat, gloves and scarf to generate an internal furnace of warm blood to stir my sense of good health and wellbeing despite the elements.

My favourite walk, was on one evening in deep fresh fallen snow, as I circled my home on the roads which surround it, taking in with joy the solitude, the eeirness, the lights and shadows and the sound underfoot of fresh crushed snow.

I have tried to read, sat with tired eyes, after a long day at work, in front of the fire with a book and a cup of tea, trying to lose myself in the other worldliness of a novel, thinking how historic references to social and economic hardships have changed or adapted in the present day.

I have built a jigsaw and a picture emerged from the assembled pieces of a famous English city which I have never visited, its steeples and towers on the skyline and academic and scientific excellence calling on me to make a pilgrmage to it later in the year.

The imagined streets in my minds eye, unseen in the pieces of the jigsaw, where all the birds and people are fixed in inanimated suspension like the images on the Grecian Urn*.

I have immersed myself in deepening my commitment to my own development. I have taken time to understand the origins of my nervous system and I have discussed with my coach the events and circumstances in my life which trigger movement of my responses to threat and fear on the autonomic ladder.

So, January is at an end, there is hope of better weather and warmer temperatures and a growth in daylight as the days and weeks emerge into a Spring of new born lambs and daffodils.

This is mirrored by a strength and resilience nurtured with me on these January days to appreciate and to take notice of what is important to me in the life I am living.

William Defoe

*John Keats, Ode to a Grecian Urn

Uprooted Tree

I am an English Catholic, a supporter of the benefits of a United Kingdom, but deeply respectful of the hopes and aspirations of my fellow citizens in Wales, Scotland and Northern Ireland who crave for independence.

I have been drawn recently to the Queen’s visit to Ireland in 2011 and how that visit sought to draw a line under the hurt caused by passed centuries of not treating our neighbours as our freinds.

My catholicism, held strongly in my consciousness, originates in my Irish ancestry, but I am English, I am a unionist, I am gay.

I have been drawn this week to the tragic early death of the Archbishop of Glasgow, Philip Tartaglia at the age of 70. It has been a shock for the cathoilic commnity in Scotland as his death had not been anticpated by ill health or age.

I have been drawn to his funeral rites, the words of his brother Fr Gerard Tartaglia at the vigil Mass, expressing his disbelief that his brother had died, and at the words of Bishop Hugh Gilbert at the funeral Mass in which he compared the loss of the archbishop to the uprooting of a strong and solid tree in a storm.

This uprooting of strength, this uprooting of goodness causes pain and as with an oak felled in a storm, the roots once torn up from the earth cannot be replanted, but in the shadow of the felled branches, the earth stirs with saplings and new growth which lie in the fertile ground of the previous incumbent of that space.

I have struggled to keep my roots in the ground, they have been at risk in recent years of tearing themselves up with the vain hope of being replanted into another space.

I have learned that whatever I have been, whatever I am, whatever I aspire to be in the future is already to be found in the roots from which my life is sprung.

The catholic roots within me from beautiful Ireland, the unionist roots within me from remarkable England, the gay roots within me from the biological genes I carry are intertwined in the solid ground under my feet, and it is from there that the foliage grows and makes me into the complex being that I have become.

William Defoe