My inner life as a gay man is in conflict with my outer life as a married man on a daily basis.
In the years before I told my wife about my inner life, my experience of true self was experienced by feelings of intense anxiety, fear and shame.
In recent years, I have cultivated ways to be content with being me.
The most important step forward has been for me to find an acceptance for the emotion I feel inside towards my sexuality.
It might have been made easier, if I had succumbed totally to my intense desires by choosing to live apart from my wife, but I did not want to pursue that path, I have been faithful to her and it is my intention to remain so after thirty years of marriage.
My life therefore consists of this dichotomy of conducting myself in the world as straight whilst experiencing the world as gay, for which I am no longer ashamed.
In the absence of being able to succumb to a gay relationship, I try to find time each day to be me.
The quiet times when I am alone, allow me to experience in my mind what it is to be gay and to feel joyful about this aspect of my truth.
The meanderings of my mind in areas which excite my understanding and interest and curiosity in being gay are precious moments indeed.
I have found that the best time each day to be me is when I am on my daily run.
The physical rhythm of bodily exertion, frees up my mind to be very acutely alert to what the depth of my feelings are for my own sex.
The experience is one of clarity, and appreciation, and at times an inner joy to have been liberated from my former fear of self, but more too, to be actively in pursuit mentally of a feeling of joy and freedom in knowing who I am.
My next blog will be: Individualism