Finding Courage in Endurance

I think that I have developed a deeper sense of how courageous I have been in the midst of a life lived in the shadows of my true identity.

I have endured in complete silence and without any support from any other living soul, my open life as a family man, a man of faith, a man of deep integrity and strong values.

For shame!

I have endured alone, my deep longings to be whole, my deep longings to be seen, my deep longings to be acknowledged in my truth as a gay man.

In these more recent years, I have been liberated from the silent grief of my heart by acknowledging my truth to a close knit circle, including my wife, my brother and my coach.

My coach, I reflect is saving my life by refusing to collude with me in the act of suppression, and willing me through my own endeavours into a space in which I can live and feel and be who I was born to be.

I sense in these most recent of days, my courage, rather than what I have percieved as weakness in living my life in the shadows. To attempt to hold on to the aspects of my life which I love and value is an act of courage, an act of self-giving, and an act of love.

My truth finds its expression in no longer being fearful of being found out, my courage finds its expression in accepting and welcoming all of me in my own moments of reverie about the mystery of my humanity.

I am very much loved and respected by those who share my life, be it in fulness or in the shadows of my branches.

The fruit I bear, the fruit I share and the fruit which falls unseen to the ground under the weight of its density and the weakness of the stem, is calling out to all who see me, to look, to notice and to acknowledge the courage I have shown in endurance throughout my life.

William Defoe

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