Overwrought

I have honed some skills in recent years which I am drawing on a lot at this time of crisis of heart, to sustain and support my emotional life.

I am overwrought, and this feeling of anxiousness is compounded by each receptor in my brain which cannot cope with what seems to be a wave of uncertainty, unwelcome news and ongoing alertness to suffering.

Be still, be quiet, listen, listen and listen …. but don’t react, let it weave in and out of consciousness so that its potency is disarmed by being noticed, being heard, being acknowledged.

I have been courageous this week, in facing into the headwind of emotions which in recent weeks have overwhelmed me. I have been taking delight in flowers, and in trees and in birds and in the warmer air which caresses my face and ruffles my hair.

I have been running, and allowing the phyisical effort to take hold of the weight of my heart and to give it reassurance that it is being cared for.

I can’t be happy, unless I resolve to be so. This resolution is not a magic wand, it does not wave away the pain and anguish of my conflicted soul, but it helps channel my emotional life into a path of hope, a path of decisiveness, a path of construction.

I don’t seem to be able to pray. I’m not sure I ever could. And despite being a man of faith, I have felt absent from feeling comfort from spirtitual thoughts, but I have perservered with being content to be distant from feeling the love of God, and I have attributed the kindness of others as coming from Him in an indirect route.

I have been overwrought, but I have turned in to face the storm , I have turned in to listen to the call of my heart and find some place to be calm.

William Defoe

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