I was walking towards Ambleside at Lake Windermere in the UK’s beautiful Lake District last Saturday, when I heard the melancholy lyrics “and Yesterday was all we had” ** being played inside a pub.
I thought about my brother, in fact I often think about him, and these words seemed to strike a chord to my heart because they seemed to sum up a sense of hopelessness which I carry with me about our fractured relationship.
There hasn’t been a fall out between us.
I see him quite often.
He does speak with me whenever we meet.
But, our relationship is not close and it hurts that I can’t find a way to make it so.
It’s as if “Yesterday was all we had” and some time, a long tome ago, something was broken between us which seems beyond repair.
The sad thing is, I don’t recall the time or the moment, its as if we just drifted into a state of acceptance that we would not be close.
It seems that the damage was done under the cover of time, a long time ago as we emerged from childhood.
Opportunities were missed to mark out the other for special recognition e.g. as best man at our respective weddings.
And time there was for many years, when I was not the slightest bit concerned about having his brotherly love and support in my life, but now, well now, I need it more that I can say, but it seems “Yesterday was all we had”
It was my brother to whom I first told of my anguished life of suppressing the truth about my gay sexuality, about five years ago.
He promised to help me, but he has not been able to do so. I understand why, and it has nothing to do with me, he has his own family and life difficulties to contend with.
He told me as much last year, and I assured him that I was fine and that I would wait for a more less stressful period to emerge in his life so that we could meet up more regularly as brothers.
I think I wanted him to help me carry the weight of my own inner conflict, which although it has lightened considerably in recent years, it remains a heavy load and at times I feel quite isolated.
I know that it is not fair to ask him to carry my load, and I have pondered on that fact very much over the last few months, so my expectations have changed, all I want is a friend – a brother-friend.
The lyrics in the song, seem to sum up the state of my relationship with him, but despite their resonance and their hopelessness, when applied to my need for a brother, they are words which I am not yet prepared to accept.
So perhaps, a day at some point in the future will help me to realise that “yesterday was ‘not’ all we had” because there is always tomorrow.
For this, I pray.
My next blog will be: L’Omosessuale
**Earth, Wind and Fire – “After The Love Has Gone” from their album “I am”