During my journey to know and love self, which I have been undertaking these last four years, I have made a conscious choice not to think of my journey as a religious journey.
I have felt a strong need to keep the spiritual dimension to my life fairly separate from the coaching experience, and the reason for this is because I need to experience a faith in self, rather than expressing my journey as a faith in God.
I already have a faith in God, a strong faith but I find myself increasingly asking the question – Where is God?
This question – “Where is God?” is a surprise to me, because until recently, I would have felt a deep sense of guilt, if not shame, for posing the question to myself, but I am firmly of the view that it is a mature question for me to consider?
Sometimes I shock myself by saying – there is no God.
This creates new space for me to explore my beliefs which is liberating and energising for my body and mind.
It is shocking, in a sense for me, because it goes against my deeply held inherent faith and the profound beliefs which I hold at the core of my being, at the heart of my life; at the root of all things.
I have come to realise, that I find it much easier to believe in Christ and that He is the second person on the one and indivisible Holy Trinity – but where is God?
I recently heard, through an acquaintance, that her friend follows all the rituals of his Jewish faith but does not believe in God – am I essentially the same as him? – a man faithful to the traditions and rituals and devotions of my Catholic faith and yet unable to believe in God?
Am I simply attracted to the community and the friendships which come with belonging to a faith community?
St Mother Theresa of Calcutta said before her death that she had experienced years of not being able to sense the presence of God and yet she kept her faith and attended to the needs of the poor with her fellow sisters.
I have a strong vocation to help others and yet I still have this feeling that I am in search of God.
Am I looking for proof of God’s existence? – when good things happen I am conditioned to thank God, and when bad things happen to turn towards God for comfort – I relate strongly to these patterns of behaviour – I have had moments of extreme comfort in His presence and yet the feeling is fleeting – transient – insufficient to put the doubts to rest.
I feel that I am actually nearer to finding God by questioning His existence.
In asking the questions and challenging my beliefs, I am doing the serious work of searching for God
I hope my search does not end before I die – I hope that my faith in Christ will see me through the challenges of having a belief/doubt in the existence of God, because ultimately I have come to realise that it is my faith, not evidential proof which will lead me to Him.
My next blog will be: Dry Cleaners