One of the ways that I am working hard to resolve the conflicts within my family life has been by making connections.
After years of carrying the truth about my same sex attraction alone and in isolation, I recognised that during that very long period, I had effectively isolated myself from those whom, given the right circumstances, may have been able to help me.
As my acceptance of self has developed at an amazing pace, I sought to make connections among my siblings, whom I had held at arms length, for many years.
I had to break down those barriers, because I had erected them piece by piece, and ask them to meet with me over a coffee or a beer or for a walk etc.
I was grateful for the ease with which they readily agreed to help me, and initially I had quite regular meetings with my brothers and my sisters on a 1:1 basis.
In recent months the frequency of our meetings has dropped of in some cases, and I went through a period of feeling resentful, but I have moved on from that negative feeling.
I have come to terms with the fact that it is not all about me. The world of my siblings does not revolve around me, and if I need them, I need to say so and they will come, they will come running.
The connection is not lost, just because we don’t meet as often, but it would be sensible for me to keep the connection alive by way of phone calls and occasional contact.
In recent weeks, I have moved my focus to making connections with my adult children. The outward focus of my development in recent months has enlightened my understanding that I had in the past pushed them away too.
I was conscious that I had not transitioned myself well between the role of a father of adoring and adorable children, and my role as a father of adults with independent minds, hearts and spirits.
I have been meeting each of my adult children alone for coffees and beers and walks, and I have noticed that all my old fears that they had forgotten how to love me, was misguided and wrong.
I had failed to let them in to my life of suffering, I had failed to let them show me their compassion and love, and I had failed to show them, that my love was unconditional now and forever.
These new connections, particularly with one of my adult children, for whom I thought that our relationship was irreparably damaged goes from strength to strength.
By making connections, I have let the light into the dark spaces of the past and illuminated the happy memories which had been buried too, and opened up a joyous hope of a much happier existence in the present.
[For this, I thank my wonderful Integral Coaching coach, for it is with her help, that the capacity of my mind for expansive thought, has been opened and transformed]
My next blog will be: Shall I Stay In Bed?