I have lived for most of my adult life with the knowledge of a reality of self which is different to the self hood which I share with the world in respect of my same sex attraction.
Even though in recent years, I have experienced the profound relief of sharing my truth with my wife, and some close acquaintances, there is a lingering sense within me of suppressed truth/frustration.
Sharing my feelings in this blog is a wonderful opportunity for me to experience a release from that continued sense of isolation.
I have been reflecting over the Christmas holiday on the Joy of Intimacy.
This is that openness in a relationship (marriage/partnership) , which is manifest through physical and emotional closeness and sexual fulfillment, but also something for me which is a bit more abstract in its effect on me.
By this I mean, those intimate messages and knowing glances across a room or opportunistic touches which would be wholly inappropriate in any other circumstance, with any other person in the world.
I have decided to share something here which I was going to hold back, but here I go:-
I sometimes on a morning as I get out of bed, drop my shorts and ask my wife – “does my bum look big in this?” before whipping them back up and exiting the room.
The Joy of Intimacy for me is the giggles I leave behind, reverberating around my mind with a huge smile on my face, or the swift slap on my posterior if she manages to get to me on time!
I think the Joy of Intimacy is close to being in the world in fullness of truth.
It is that deep openness of nothing being held back.
It is that deep joy of making someone laugh.
It is that deep gratitude of being loved.
My next blog will be: Carols at Christmas